The Complexity of Simplicity
Tulsi. Circles. Yoga. Rishikesh. The little things. Sunkiss. Unkiss. Transition. Between my two favorite places in the Himalayas. It's time. I'm becoming sentimental. Firstly when I receive a message from my old and new neighbor looking forward to seeing me to have quality conversations. All on a sudden I remember the little things. What a great connection we had, our conversations, how he went berserk over my eyes the day before I left. How I chilled in his room when I felt sick. How I felt a little sad not having more time together and yet I knew I would come back, leaving some things with him. Sunkiss. As he refers to himself in the message, it makes me smile, bringing back more detailed memories. Of course he’ll be happy to have me back, being curious to know about my experiences away in the mountains and eager to practice some yoga with me. It makes me smile.
Going to my beloved Oh so beloved Torture Master to open my body, practice the balance, I become similarly emotional. A new girl is coming. I told her about him in the afternoon when I met her. In Tulsi. I knew this was for her. Seeing new people taking the same torture pleasure out of his classes is making my heart happy. He deserves it more than anyone I can think of. So much. While drilling us, the sweat dripping on the mat so much that it becomes an evidence of our heart's work, a river of dedicated yoginis, stressing through the hard workout, to a point where my arms can't hold me anymore, dropping exhausted on the mat over and over again while he manages to keep everyone on their tippy toes literally and as a byproduct balancing us at our highest spirits. Crying laughing between pain and pleasure while he's giving instructions counting slowly and determined. What you doing? Where you going? Look your toes!!! Not my toes!!! Why you're dancing. Stand. No moving. What he says sounds strict but he it's comical in the moment when we all are pressing hard to find into the balance of our handstands. He's respected for his teachings and for making them NOT enjoyable. You’re enjoying your Asana?? No one should enjoy their asana. Change. He's laughing. We're falling off the wall. This would be my campaign slogan if I ever have one. Promoting my teachings.
This place has become a home for me. A family. Especially with the ones who are here similarly as long as I am. We are just looking at each other smiling, knowing exactly how it feels inside and outside. Joking along with him. What you doin?? Don't let me fall. Noooo. Hold me. You're breaking me. Touching the windows with our feet practicing handstands, some are open, he's joking about us falling out and how he couldn't then help us anymore. I will miss it. All of it. Every little moment. Every detail. Sentimental. I become. Today the energy was special. Or maybe I just felt that way in my own delulu bubble. Even finally jumping against the wall made me feel like the queen of the world. Feeling eternally grateful... Full. To all of it. For all of it. The teachings that will always stay with me and that no one else could have done the same way. I feel like I don't wanna leave the hall. I wanna stay some more in the energy. It makes me sad to leave this behind. A happy sad. A grateful lucky kind of sad. Just like the day before when I was eating at my favorite little café in the afternoon and Torture Master and Student A came a few minutes later to do the same as me. We were talking, joking and I realized like the times before what a funny, kind, authentic, caring, sweet person this man is. How real and grounded. A genuineness I've hardly encountered in any other teacher around here. And she. Sharing similar backgrounds and our fear of the wall even when we may not ever have had a deep conversation, for what we had we could connect without many words but merely through looks and our journey.
Just the two of them feel like family to me. Safe, calm, stable. The sadness that overcomes me when I leave the class shows me how deeply I feel about the connection when I may not exactly have been aware of just how much I have been feeling welcomed in this space. How much his personality and teachings are giving me, teaching me, enriching me. Not much less the kindness and care of his friend he arranged me the room with. Treating me like a friend. He comes to my room to handle the payments, he is asking me if I wanna go to dinner with him. German dinner time was over. We're joking, he is following my moves, mocking me about only hanging out at the Ganga and in yoga classes like so many have before him. I feel much joy in being recognized for the things I love and asked for advice accordingly.
These days are calm. Peaceful. Slow. Even when I haven't socialized much over the last days, the socializing that has taken place was always of some quality for me. Of bringing out some sort of emotions, making me feel connected in space. A familiarity for this place I started falling in love with over a year earlier. For all the challenges, for mirroring me and my processes, for supporting my being, for teaching me, for encouraging me to push my limits, to overcome my fears, to trust, to let go, to surrender in the end to what is. For introducing new teachers and friends to me. Some who stayed for even over this year and some they left for even only this time. For discovering my boundaries, for distinguishing between what I want and what I don't want. For understanding what I deserve and what I don't deserve. For helping me cut a connection off when it's not serving me, when I am not being treasured for my existence, for my care, for my friendship and all that I give. To let go when people clearly don't have the same intentions as me. When people don't invest even half of what I am investing, when people think they're just going with the flow but what they are really doing is not putting any effort into the relationship to make it easier for themselves and protect their hearts. To stay in control and keep their own distance on their own terms on their own agenda, not meeting me on eye level to stay in power.
I learn to let go without taking it to my soft heart as much as I used to knowing this is not my battle to fight. People choose how they want to treat you. And when they do, observe it. Listen to your heart and intuition, hear your mind out, get in touch with your feelings and evaluate how it makes you feel when someone doesn't care how you feel. Understanding that someone else's behavior has nothing to do with you. With me. It reflects where they are standing, reflecting their values, not yours or mine. Process. So many things I feel transcending through me these weeks like an electric current. With people in my demographic group around me and my closest beloved friends and family back home. With strangers and familiar people. With people I know well or not at all. I learn something from each and every one of them.
Has my mom unknowingly transcended an early childhood experience together with me through time and space. My early infant imprint of being left to my dad in my first year in this world. Implanting this deep and ever present feeling of being alone, not being loved, not being worthy of love, screaming and crying half my life. For years working through it continuously. The deepest of all pains. My own transition taking me on a journey of tears and shivering, gasping for air, sobbing, envisioning my infant self all these years ago crying for her mom. She is calling me a few days later telling me about a strange dream she never had before taking care of my infant me as I was crying and she was worried something was wrong with me. Tears start coming out of my eyes when I realize what she is telling me, reflecting my exact journey back to me. Goosebumps spreading all over my body. She is just as much in shock as me when she realizes that we have been synchronized, connected throughout matter and energies, healing what had happened over 35 years in the past.
With the realization also once again the thought of returning occurs to me. Reoccurs and will reoccur and does reoccur, connecting me to the ones I love and left behind. My heart missing them, wanting to finally hug them again, feeling them physically on my skin, in my arms.
Now here I seem to receive the acknowledgement for who I am through random messages from people who are not really present in my life but who have crossed my path before. People who I am not really connected to on a deeper level, who by chance express their admiration or just respect and encouragement for my being and lifestyle towards me. Reminders of being a strong woman, of just simple appreciation for who I am or notifying me that they enjoy communicating with me. It's me. It's who I am becoming. Miss Lina. Hey Miss Georgia … she can do it. Yes she can do many things only she don’t want to 😂 as Mister Torture Master would say. It's those little details. Someone who doesn't know him wouldn't understand why it's these small things that touch me in particular. Only because I know how he only rarely remembers names or calls anybody by a name or where they are from. Not out of disrespect but out of habit. This is about me.
Maybe it is exactly these days that each and every one of them who is addressing me is addressing me specifically where I can see it is about me as a person. Where I see a reflection of what I've been working on and processing for years but most of all over the last months and weeks. To just be with me, for me without looking so much on the outside as to what anyone should think of me or what and who I am is pleasing anyone no matter if physically, spiritually or mentally. No matter what I do, how I do it, how I look, dress, behave, think or feel. I long to transcend into being authentically me as much as I can connecting to myself, serving what's good for me instead of pleasing others or live to their expectations. It's paying off as only the ones who are real to themselves and who have sincere and honest interest in me for who I am stay as others absorb themselves out of my life. Outcentering themselves, centering around themselves.
No more space for self absorbed interests in my presence anymore as I am trying to claim mine as well. To exist in the same manner as others do. Physics. The more I claim myself the more people who take up more space push themselves out of mine because they require much more for themselves than they grant me. And so they exit. Natural selection I guess is what automatically happens and is tough at times as it hurts and yet it leaves us with exactly the people we belong with. Every time and all the time. No exception. One simple rule: The people who don't add to your life can be subtracted from it. Simple math. Natural science. Like everything in life. The same complex as it is simple.
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