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The Path

  The Universe has a plan for the two of us. I know. And we'll find out what it is. I feel it , she says as I take a bite of my cream cheese bread looking down at the village. The village that had me for three months now. Three months of a rollercoaster ride. I reply to her that I’m walking up the cross just as in Mestia. How we used to. The same path in a parallel setting, in the same Universe. Memories come back. That path that we've walked, that I've walked and still it seems I get lost on in. I lost my path. Again. How is it even possible when I have done the hike two times before and it’s well marked? I look around, I look down. Can I not read signs? After some minutes I look at the house, it’s not the same. I pull out a picture from three months back. How is it possible? That's not the path. The Universe asking for my close attention now, becoming aware. I see another hiker down just on the way. The right way. I cannot understand how I’ve forgotten the way and ov...
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I want this to be Beautiful

 Finally it's all coming out. Last night I was still fighting with all my emotions by myself. A subtle not so subtle curtain of fear, uncertainty and loneliness hanging over me, covering my heart. Shielding it. A shadow. A shadow from the past, from all that had happened that night - confusing, unclear, undissolved in what it meant. What it means now and for our time together. Past hurt arising inside of me. Past hurt expanding across my heart mixed with something good from now. If it can be good. Something beautiful that had happened. A connection. A connection entangled with emotions I haven't felt in a while and ought not to be lived freely now. That wasn't the heaviness. I don't need them to be lived. I needed them to be real. I needed the night to have been real. Admittedly. Not just for myself. I needed to hear it. From him. I needed to hear that I wasn't a place holder. That it wasn't 'the alcohol'.  I needed recognition of the realness of the thi...
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Flames

HER - Sia Flames O ne foot in front of the other, babe One breath leads to another, yeah Just keep moving, oh Look within for the strength today Listen out for the voice to say Just keep moving, oh Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, but don't stop moving Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, you can do this So my love, keep on running You gotta get through the day, yeah There my love, keep on running Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh Oh, my love, don't stop burning Gotta send them up in flames In flames Don't stop, tomorrow's another day Don't stop, tomorrow you'll feel no pain Just keep moving, oh Don't stop the past'll trip you up You know, right now's gotta be enough Just keep moving This used to move me to tears. Today I take a bath in it like in all her songs. So close to myself. Whisperer A million voices screamed in my head And I felt sure that I would give in So why couldn't I now? Why couldn't I now? Your voice was louder Bu...
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The Waves of the Heart

  The waves seem to have crashed against the shore, becoming smaller... In these short pauses tiny waves of bitterness or anger arise in me. It’s been taking up my whole focus. Burned out for love, my urgent longing for BElonging answered in glimpses of moments. Not in really but in my heart. From the other side I just look like a side attraction beside that someone that really matters. Your thoughts about me disappear when I’m not around while mine are still floating around in free space desperately wanting to be answered, searching for connection. Notions, thoughts, feelings, perspective, emotions that want to be shared all around. From me. One sided. But you're not alone. You can't feel my urge. It's not the same. Unless I can separate myself, find some distance, some freedom, detach from all that wants to be through me and can't be. Shouldn't be.  In some ways it wants to grow so deeply, it wants to come out. And then it wwants to be put on hold. As it should. A...
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This is Personal

Hopefully it's personal. There it reappears. My personal life topic . Personal personal. What can hurt me most is impersonal. If that night had nothing to do with me it would hurt the most. If it wasn't about me that would break me the most. Like it has before. Innumerable times. Not that it is separable anyways. You. Me. Personal reasons, personal for the other side due to their characteristics, their incapabilities, their personality lived through me without a reference connecting to me.  People keep saying it's nothing personal as if this was freeing as if this was making things better when for me this is worst interpretation possible. The worst feeling of them all. If this had nothing to do with me. If this would have happened with anyone, if this was not about me then why would I even care. If someone just lives their identity through me... Like I've experienced it throughout all my life. In so many different facets. To me this is a burden, an insult, an abuse, a w...
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Midnight Decisions

 The beginning of summer. It's hot. It's been like this for days now. The blistering unexpected heat of the high summer. Today is the day. A few reminders have been sent my way the past few days. Reminders of what I've been through. Two years ago exactly today. My biggest heartbreak. Or one of them anyway. One that stuck with me. His kindness, his love, his care. His attentiveness, sensitivity and strength. His dedication. His dedication to care for me in the most beautiful way possible, a way that I have never known of, before he disappeared into the endless time and space of the universe. Leaving me behind at the beginning of summer. Today. Two years ago. In the place I love and miss so much. Today I'm looking at the mountains. I'm sitting on the balcony. Our balcony. Already tipsy of a few glasses of wine. Like there like here. We come back. I almost reach my low of energy, my eyes desperately wanting to shut with every minute that passes more. But I can't go...
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My Universal Star - A Ghost from the Past

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 Seems we're always meeting in the snow ... I'm thinking while looking at the picture from almost four years ago. How did that even happen? How does any of this really happen? Just when I take a screenshot of the old me in the snow storm, my mind is trying to remember details. He's a traveler, photographer - a good one. I love the pictures. Now he's in Berlin.   I'm having a photo shooting she will say a few minutes later as if my own thoughts have again been manifesting outside of me. Like my thoughts have been wandering in strange directions. A yoga clothing brands. A universal one. Produced in Rajasthan. I see who is making them. It needs branding with the zodiacs. Pictures. A few days back I see his story. He moved to Berlin. Random. We text. I have the feeling he must be near. Somehow. I don't even know him. I hardly remember at all. It's Friday. It surely has been another week of random manifestations. I feel like things are just happening for me. Inv...
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