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Collateral Damage

 My eyelids are heavy. The sun is shining. It's a new day. Not my day. Tears keep rising up my eyes uncontrollably running down hot my cheeks as they have been since 3 am in the morning. Finally moving to the living room into the exact spot where he told me all these things I needed to hear the other night that he doesn't want me to feel alone, be there for me, wants me to feel safe to open up.  Holding on to me tightly pretending he wanted to be there for me, know me, care about me. O nly then to again leave me behind on my own. In the same darkness I've known for so many years.  It takes him only days to treat me like a stranger, like anyone. This is nothing personal. I told him my biggest pain. Ignored. My messages unanswered for over a week - my writings because that's how I communicate these days because I have no say over when or if we even get to communicate. That's his choice. And he's been choosing silence for the past week. He chose himself. He chose t...
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Flames

HER - Sia Flames O ne foot in front of the other, babe One breath leads to another, yeah Just keep moving, oh Look within for the strength today Listen out for the voice to say Just keep moving, oh Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, but don't stop moving Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, you can do this So my love, keep on running You gotta get through the day, yeah There my love, keep on running Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh Oh, my love, don't stop burning Gotta send them up in flames In flames Don't stop, tomorrow's another day Don't stop, tomorrow you'll feel no pain Just keep moving, oh Don't stop the past'll trip you up You know, right now's gotta be enough Just keep moving This used to move me to tears. Today I take a bath in it like in all her songs. So close to myself. Whisperer A million voices screamed in my head And I felt sure that I would give in So why couldn't I now? Why couldn't I now? Your voice was louder Bu...
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As it was.

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  Convenience. When I’m there it’s good. If not also good.  Neglection.  Out of sight out of mind. I know it too well. You don't always have to feel neglected I still hear my father's voice in my mind when I was a little child. It goes way back. It's not coming out of nowhere. How to find the balance when I've been undersupplied with care, attention, attentiveness, love for so many years since my mind had the first clear conception to remember. Our positions are not comparable. While I'm depending on your attention, your way of communication towards me in the time you give me at the end I'm remaining the third wheel. No matter what. I'm the outsider, the intruder outside of a relationship.  Outside, alone, exposed to my emotions in depending on our interaction at any point. An  uncomfortable position to be in. Weak, without control. Exposed to what's happening. Not an option.  You got the all popular access to all areas at all times pass that I never got...
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The Waves of the Heart

  The waves seem to have crashed against the shore, becoming smaller... In these short pauses tiny waves of bitterness or anger arise in me. It’s been taking up my whole focus. Burned out for love, my urgent longing for BElonging answered in glimpses of moments. Not in really but in my heart. From the other side I just look like a side attraction beside that someone that really matters. Your thoughts about me disappear when I’m not around while mine are still floating around in free space desperately wanting to be answered, searching for connection. Notions, thoughts, feelings, perspective, emotions that want to be shared all around. From me. One sided. But you're not alone. You can't feel my urge. It's not the same. Unless I can separate myself, find some distance, some freedom, detach from all that wants to be through me and can't be. Shouldn't be.  In some ways it wants to grow so deeply, it wants to come out. And then it wwants to be put on hold. As it should. A...
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This is Personal

Hopefully it's personal. There it reappears. My personal life topic . Personal personal. What can hurt me most is impersonal. If that night had nothing to do with me it would hurt the most. If it wasn't about me that would break me the most. Like it has before. Innumerable times. Not that it is separable anyways. You. Me. Personal reasons, personal for the other side due to their characteristics, their incapabilities, their personality lived through me without a reference connecting to me.  People keep saying it's nothing personal as if this was freeing as if this was making things better when for me this is worst interpretation possible. The worst feeling of them all. If this had nothing to do with me. If this would have happened with anyone, if this was not about me then why would I even care. If someone just lives their identity through me... Like I've experienced it throughout all my life. In so many different facets. To me this is a burden, an insult, an abuse, a w...
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My Universal Star - A Ghost from the Past

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 Seems we're always meeting in the snow ... I'm thinking while looking at the picture from almost four years ago. How did that even happen? How does any of this really happen? Just when I take a screenshot of the old me in the snow storm, my mind is trying to remember details. He's a traveler, photographer - a good one. I love the pictures. Now he's in Berlin.   I'm having a photo shooting she will say a few minutes later as if my own thoughts have again been manifesting outside of me. Like my thoughts have been wandering in strange directions. A yoga clothing brands. A universal one. Produced in Rajasthan. I see who is making them. It needs branding with the zodiacs. Pictures. A few days back I see his story. He moved to Berlin. Random. We text. I have the feeling he must be near. Somehow. I don't even know him. I hardly remember at all. It's Friday. It surely has been another week of random manifestations. I feel like things are just happening for me. Inv...
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