My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Wasn't it gonna be fun and wasn't it gonna be new? Wasn't it gonna be different and wasn't it gonna be true? Didn't you say that? Didn't you say that? Weren't you gonna be sorry and weren't you gonna be pure? Weren't we gonna be honest and weren't we gonna be more? Didn't you say that? Is this real or was this just Fantasy or is there a Ghost in my Home... When the lines become blurry, reality unclear. Bubbles become clouds, foggy moving through the mind. Turmoil, desperation, frustration, pain, hurt, agony, anxiety, fear, aggression, rage, anger, sensitivity, disappointment, shame, guilt... Everything running through the system, shifting from one to the other uncontrollably depending on each moment that I'm exposed to his existence or our interactions.  Confusion becomes the new normal. Confusion and pain. Alternating with rage and aggression. Everything just becomes messy, unbearable inside of me. The more time that's passing the ha...

 My eyelids are heavy. The sun is shining. It's a new day. Not my day. Tears keep rising up my eyes uncontrollably running down hot my cheeks as they have been since 3 am in the morning. Finally moving to the living room into the exact spot where he told me all these things I needed to hear the other night that he doesn't want me to feel alone, be there for me, wants me to feel safe to open up.  Holding on to me tightly pretending he wanted to be there for me, know me, care about me. O nly then to again leave me behind on my own. In the same darkness I've known for so many years.  It takes him only days to treat me like a stranger, like anyone. This is nothing personal. I told him my biggest pain. Ignored. My messages unanswered for over a week - my writings because that's how I communicate these days because I have no say over when or if we even get to communicate. That's his choice. And he's been choosing silence for the past week. He chose himself. He chose t...

HER - Sia Flames O ne foot in front of the other, babe One breath leads to another, yeah Just keep moving, oh Look within for the strength today Listen out for the voice to say Just keep moving, oh Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, but don't stop moving Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, you can do this So my love, keep on running You gotta get through the day, yeah There my love, keep on running Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh Oh, my love, don't stop burning Gotta send them up in flames In flames Don't stop, tomorrow's another day Don't stop, tomorrow you'll feel no pain Just keep moving, oh Don't stop the past'll trip you up You know, right now's gotta be enough Just keep moving This used to move me to tears. Today I take a bath in it like in all her songs. So close to myself. Whisperer A million voices screamed in my head And I felt sure that I would give in So why couldn't I now? Why couldn't I now? Your voice was louder Bu...

  Convenience. When I’m there it’s good. If not also good.  Neglection.  Out of sight out of mind. I know it too well. You don't always have to feel neglected I still hear my father's voice in my mind when I was a little child. It goes way back. It's not coming out of nowhere. How to find the balance when I've been undersupplied with care, attention, attentiveness, love for so many years since my mind had the first clear conception to remember. Our positions are not comparable. While I'm depending on your attention, your way of communication towards me in the time you give me at the end I'm remaining the third wheel. No matter what. I'm the outsider, the intruder outside of a relationship.  Outside, alone, exposed to my emotions in depending on our interaction at any point. An  uncomfortable position to be in. Weak, without control. Exposed to what's happening. Not an option.  You got the all popular access to all areas at all times pass that I never got...