My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

  You're a thief . It's the morning after he had me fired. We're in the kitchen. Even after everything he had done to me I thought he must feel guilty about this. Having someone fired in his name for no reason. He doesn't He's cold as a rock. Cruel. He looks at me in disgust. Telling me that I deserved it. That this was all my fault. That he had no nothing to feel bad about. A cold hearted stone. I cannot believe what's happening. What's been happening over all these weeks since he had started using me as his tool and I was stupid and sensitive, considerate enough to doubt myself and asking myself what I've been doing wrong and what my part was in all of this while he kept pulling through with his master plan. When I now finally thought this had all found a terrible ending, when he had been more scrupulous and cold hearted than I could have ever expected or imagined the real terror had only just begun.  He had convinced his girl with soothing smoothing w...

 Defensive, Deflecting, Delulu ❤️ It's been a ride. Such a ride. A ride of ups and downs and back and forth. A roller coaster that won't end, pushing me to my emotional limits. My nervous system slowly crumbling. My heart fading.  It all had started so beautifully. I want this to be beautiful I thought, I wrote, I felt when he already had started to play his games with me. I could not see. Again my naivity and idealism blinded me, I wanted to believe the best. Wanted to believe that someone wants my best. That someone cares, someone acknowledges, someone comes to see me. Someone is interested in my well being, my being at all. I was wrong. I was blindsided, I was fooled. Fooled by a boy who keeps living his moods, serving his ego with no intention of learning, growing or getting to know himself but only serve his own needs, totally identified with his ego with no capability to step out of his tunnel. His poisoned view, his self idealized world where he believes what he thinks...

  The Universe has a plan for the two of us. I know. And we'll find out what it is. I feel it , she says as I take a bite of my cream cheese bread looking down at the village. The village that had me for three months now. Three months of a rollercoaster ride. I reply to her that I’m walking up the cross just as in Mestia. How we used to. The same path in a parallel setting, in the same Universe. Memories come back. That path that we've walked, that I've walked and still it seems I get lost on in. I lost my path. Again. How is it even possible when I have done the hike two times before and it’s well marked? I look around, I look down. Can I not read signs? After some minutes I look at the house, it’s not the same. I pull out a picture from three months back. How is it possible? That's not the path. The Universe asking for my close attention now, becoming aware. I see another hiker down just on the way. The right way. I cannot understand how I’ve forgotten the way and ov...

  Es ist kein Weltuntergang sagst du auf verbaler Ebene, dein Verhalten spiegelt, dass es einer ist. Mixed messages. Bestrafung. Eine Diskrepanz in deinem Handeln und deinen Worten. Im Zweifelsfalle spiegelt die Handlung die Wahrheit wider, nicht die Worte und das ist das, was ich seit einigen Wochen jetzt von dir gelernt habe. Deine Worte entsprechen nicht deinem Verhalten. Sie spiegeln nicht wider, was du tust. Keine Integritaet. Nichts, worauf man sich verlassen kann. Ich habe deine Barista Hafermilch getrunken. Ich hab sogar daran gedacht, ob das schlimm waere und offenbar konnte ich dem Moment in meiner Welt nichts Schlimmes daran fuehlen. Du hingegen sehr. Ich verstehe auf rationaler Ebene sehr wohl, warum du dich vielleicht darueber aergern koenntest. Nicht jedoch zwischenmenschlich und auf die Art und Weise auf die du es tust. Ich habe das Gefuehl ein schlimmes Verbrechen begangen zu haben, ich zerbreche eh seit Tagen und ich kann einfach nichts mehr auffangen. Ich scheine...

 ... What a sentence to remember for my obsessive behavior. For my tendency of not letting go or hold on to what I wanted to believe in. What I was hoping for to come. When I see it, when I hear it, when I'm being promised. It all doesn't matter. The moment the door is being slammed in my face I shall remember rejection is protection. From the Universe. Because me personally I seem to be unable at times. Wishing so much for finally receiving what I've been waiting for so long, longing for, my heart aching. It doesn't matter. Rejection is protection. That shall be my new mantra. As a reminder. A way of living when once again I'm being rejected without seeing it coming. As much as I hope for these times to be over as much as I'm still full of hope for words carrying integrity I understand better especially these days. These days where I have been again rising like a phoenix from the ashes without support from the person who blindsided me. Within my own home. Where...

 Danger is coming, danger is coming uh uh uh uh... No the supervisor is coming and wanted to tell me something. How is it that I'm so fragile to when people come to me to talk to me about things, I always feel like something is wrong. With me. When at the same time I know cognitively, rationally it's fine, you're good, you're doing a great job. Communication. I learn here on a whole different level. And it evokes fear in my. Hurt. I'm hurt, I'm scared. There's always something at most when I don't now what to expect, what to deal with. I wonder how some people are so carefree when every little thing gets to me even when I've learned not to let it show. At least to deal with it for myself. When I know something is coming I get this tightness in my chest. This heat rising up, my throat tightening as if I was going to die. Someone will stab me, hurt me. I try mentally prepare myself, calming myself, put the bigger picture but in this situation where I f...

 cherry picking convenience ego driven nur care wenn du etwas davon hast euphemistisches selbstbild, Identitaet, mit Worten ich bin da, der du sein willst aber nicht bist, TATEN DU BIST NICHT WIE DU SEIN WILLST, WIE DU UEBER DICH SELBST DENKST, DU BIST WIE DU HANDELST - ULIMATIVER MASSSTAB: REALITAET: FEIGE, MANIPULATIV, LUEGEN - WORTE SCHALL UND RAUCH, habe gelernt dir genau nicht so glauben, was du sagst: betrogen, verarscht, ignoriert, zugesehen wie ich zerbrochen bin mit Bewusstsein woran und warum - hast nicht deinen Mann gestanden: Welchen? SELBSTKENNTNIS: AUFRICHTIGKEIT, ANSTAND ENTWICKELN, AUFRICHTIGES INTERESSE AM LERNEN, SICH SELBST IM SPIEGEL ANSCHAUEN, KEINE EGO-TRIPS: flattering yourself in a strange way... Twisting it, I couldn't eat, sleep - DID YOU FALL IN LOVE????? That is your concern????????????? WHY?????? asking the tough questions to yourself, To make yourself feel better, VALIDATION, ATTENTION, LOVE - still finding the angle that suits you, that makes you feel...

 Lalalalala... Widdewidde wie sie mir gefaellt... Oh well... Finally all my understandings from the last weeks coming into being. I now can experience what I have understood over the last weeks. Only thing is, I have to come to terms with my long old friend bare minimum and zero effort policy that I've struggled with for so many years in guys. But hey here it is again. Our zero effort convenience policy. I only stand up to my words when it's comfortable for me. Not when it's actually about you. I told you I have other things to do. Why do I care how you feel? Why do I care what you need in that moment? I am here for myself and what I wanna do. I guess the convenience part was a real breakthrough for me. Luckily I've been doing the work over the last weeks and have gotten my percspective confirmed from the inside herself as well. Most likely I just had to see it myself with my own eyes to make sure my reality check was the real deal. And so that's what I did.  His op...

  https://www.instagram.com/reel/DabU9hCvTgl/?igsh=MWpmZ3FkMmxqMWdzYw== Wow! And that sums it up 🤣

 Finally it's all coming out. Last night I was still fighting with all my emotions by myself. A subtle not so subtle curtain of fear, uncertainty and loneliness hanging over me, covering my heart. Shielding it. A shadow. A shadow from the past, from all that had happened that night - confusing, unclear, undissolved in what it meant. What it means now and for our time together. Past hurt arising inside of me. Past hurt expanding across my heart mixed with something good from now. If it can be good. Something beautiful that had happened. A connection. A connection entangled with emotions I haven't felt in a while and ought not to be lived freely now. That wasn't the heaviness. I don't need them to be lived. I needed them to be real. I needed the night to have been real. Admittedly. Not just for myself. I needed to hear it. From him. I needed to hear that I wasn't a place holder. That it wasn't 'the alcohol'.  I needed recognition of the realness of the thi...