My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

 Seems we're always meeting in the snow ... I'm thinking while looking at the picture from almost four years ago. How did that even happen? How does any of this really happen? Just when I take a screenshot of the old me in the snow storm, my mind is trying to remember details. He's a traveler, photographer - a good one. I love the pictures. Now he's in Berlin.   I'm having a photo shooting she will say a few minutes later as if my own thoughts have again been manifesting outside of me. Like my thoughts have been wandering in strange directions. A yoga clothing brands. A universal one. Produced in Rajasthan. I see who is making them. It needs branding with the zodiacs. Pictures. A few days back I see his story. He moved to Berlin. Random. We text. I have the feeling he must be near. Somehow. I don't even know him. I hardly remember at all. It's Friday. It surely has been another week of random manifestations. I feel like things are just happening for me. Inv...

Do you feel lonely sometimes? Do you know that feeling of no belonging?  I’m crying, she’s crying, he’s trying to soothe my breaking heart that keeps on breaking throughout my journey between the worlds. Breaking and constantly filling up with more and more love each and every moment. It doesn’t seem to end. From waking up in tears the last morning, sitting on my balcony trying to realize what’s been happening, trying to conserve the love, the compassion, the selfless care, the spirit of this magical place. It seems my words are taking from the experience when I try to make it last, to feel deeper, it’s only really doing the opposite. No words can describe the love I’m feeling. The missing pieces, the ache from missing all these wonderful people, from understanding more about myself than I thought I could. From having to leave a place that was and is a catalyst in my personal evolution. That brings together all of me. Holding me in space and time with all that I am. The energy it’s...

When I wake up the next morning our trip to the caves is canceled. My friend is sick. I actually don’t mind at all. I could very well use this last day to enjoy everything that I love so much about that place. Have the last hours to soak it all in for the last time. Digest. I do as I wish and use the early hours again to start my round by going down to Ganga. But first Chai stop at Most famous Mo. A typical overly funny morning scene is taking place making me laugh a lot before I make my way down to my favorite spot at Maa Ganga.  Exactly where I got to know the French man a week before, handing me the flowers, I set the flower flame that today I accepted from the flower lady on the water once more and watch the little boat following the stream of the river. My heart knows what it’s wishing for.  Looking at the Gangs in all its Peace, I’m reminded of the story of the King who wanted to become immortal that J tells when he’s doing my tattoo to distract me from the pain. How he ...

  Day three. Of the last. Slowly it’s becoming real. The reality of having to leave again. It’s becoming harder to hold my tears back… I’m becoming restless. Wanna make the most of my time. Soak everything in as much as I can. Little sleep, a continuous level of exhaustion and yet I’m fully here. Waking up today it’s hard for me to stay in bed for long. Maa Ganga is calling. I need to be outside to walk.  First stop Chai. Moktan. A must. Haven’t been in some time. The kindest man in Tapovan. The most popular and loved tiny cafe. It’s still quiet. He even starts talking to me which is rare when he’s working. He’s so calm. Asking me about my two years before when I used to come with my friend all the time. And while my Chai is ready to go and I’m joking around about why he has cameras in his tiny shop, I’m so much in my own mind that I leave without paying. Some moments later down the alley I realize and while I feel ashamed despite my rational mind knowing that it’s no big deal...

 … Christmas Eve take one. Walking up to my place after my two mulled wines figuring that after all it will be an early night, I am proven wrong just in the same moment when my coffee friend is standing in the entrance of his place smiling at me, seeing me walking up towards him. Merry Christmas. You’re not going to any party for Christmas? Come join me and my friends. I smile asking if it was involved drinking. Surely is. Already got the bottles. Well it seems after all it is my calling again. His kind eyes look at me. You know the Universe is always listening. I know. Oh I know so well in this place. I know I know I know. So well. It is. Very obviously Magic is not even the right term. Life in its purest essence. The most realest reality that I’ve known. I walk back, get changed and return to join him a few minutes later. Slowly a bit stagnant the evening is starting. Snack dishes are slowly covering the table and with the drinks being served the mood is becoming lighter with t...