From Babytrek through SnowPass reaching the Top

Sitting in a local car, on the way back from our babytrek. Hopping into the first car before even having passed through the whole village.

Reaching our final destination, after four hours of going through the desert, winds, sun and mountains, a man enthusiastically  waving at us, opening a gate, all the family sitting above in front of the house, having a prayer celebration, inviting us exuberantly excited for chai, snacks and home made wine. Wine. I haven’t seen alcohol since I got to Ladakh. I’ve dreamed about it the night before. We need it. We deserve it. We’re hungry and tired. We’re laughing, taking pictures, the family is so hospitable we can’t believe our luck. Happily we pursue the last meters before the first car leaving the village, picks us up to our final destination. It’s still early. Everything is running smoothly. I told her, my connection is strong that day. Has she expressed all sorts of concerns about money, hitching and rain during the hike, have I mildly smiled at her and referred to the universe until we sit in the car that I stopped even before we have reached the end of the village. 

Five days together. My new western girlfriend and my sweetheart and me, exploring a part of the Himalayas. Exploring the breathtaking nature of Ladakh for the first time, I am struggling with my mind, feeling unseen and unheard again. Upset about fitting into my all to well known role of the mother, caretaker, fixer. 

Walking my way alone, getting lost in the vast rock environment, taking a quick bath in the tiny river, I feel refreshed. The days will be full of ups and downs. I can’t help it, I’ve chosen another child next to me and I have to deal with it. With him, looking at me with his ignorant eyes, thinking he understands, completely disconnected from my world. I want a happy good bye. I get it. Our little honeymoon day where there’s nothing to worry, away from reality, just living our physical connection and attraction. I’m happy to have that time with him and I’m happy he’s leaving because I’m drained. 

One week later I find myself again in another car, taking me to a new place. This time with seven other people, for the night four others. It’s 5.30 am, -5 degrees, we didn’t sleep, stuck in the middle of a snow storm before the pass, unable to cross. 

I wake up again under a tarp wrapped into two blankets with groups of others, my transition friend next to me. I need to pee. I go outside. The mountains covered in snow. I climb behind some rocks. It’s freezing. Nothing to do out here, stranded in Winter Wonderland in the beginning of summer. Five days I’ve been trying to find my way out of Ladakh to move on. It was time.

After all this back and forth with the guys, all the heartache I was caused, having to let them all go, even my lovely one that we’ve spent these light carefree hours in our teenage bubble. But what’s lost is lost. It was too much. So much time has passed putting myself out there, trying to adapt the best I knew how to but I couldn’t bring our cultures and mindsets together. When I dropped my friend who I thought was my sweet love a week ago, I told him that I make strange places my home places, that I own time. I guess this is what the universe is showing me again and again. To just be. Wherever I am. With whoever. 

A freezing night in the car, next to a new guy showing up just that day when my sweet all on a sudden showed a side of him that I could not accept anymore. 

Taking me on his bike, going to a monastery, eating, even trying to find me a ride but my mind was somewhere else. I didn’t see him. Overwhelmed, full of tears, disappointment and resentment. The weather turned cold and after finishing our ice coffee and the Nutella pancake I decided to go back. We didn’t have this initial spark but he’s given me the attention I needed.

That night would be full of cold shivers and heat waves, my body processing all this unexpected emotions in attempt of making sense of it. My body and mind in feverish dreams. Whirling up and down my spine inside my gut to get finally out. 

In the end sitting together with transition friend who was the one finding us a ride. Sitting next to him after trying to clean the shit of the last weeks out of my body I notice how attentive he is. From when we first met. No effort. Naturally. Aware. Caring about my needs without having to change who he is. Picking up my plastic bottle while I’m on the phone, buying water for the two of us, offering me a piece of everything that he’s eating or drinking. Tears rise up my eyes. This is all I wanted wasn’t it? And I wasn’t even aware of his presence at all. Too much in my head. I feel extremely grateful. I think that maybe if I cleared my mind, I could see something in him. Get to know him. The Universe is a catalyst. Maybe my thoughts were too loud in the longing for attention and interest in my person. There we are in the darkest night trying to arrange each other together to somehow find a position that is not completely uncomfortable. Starting by leaning on each other, our bodies close, I can feel he wants us to be here. „You can put your head on my shoulder“. Sometime later hugging each other tightly to fit on the seat together he kisses me just a bit too quickly. Sudden. Too sudden? There it is. Just like that. How? I’m asking myself. Few hours ago I didn’t even look at him closely enough to recognize his features or anything about his presence and now…he’s holding me, checking again and over and over again if I’m feeling comfortable, touching me. I guess from his side he wasn’t completely blind for it. Or it overcame him suddenly, the untamables. A whole chapter itself. A chapter that’s started two months ago and seems not to be wanting to end. 

And so finally after dark hours in the coldness, we make it on the pass in the glittering morning sun, surrounded by the snow mountains, we’re sitting in the car, holding hands. The sun so bright I can barely open my eyes. Or maybe it’s the two hours of sleep. Probably both. 

Five days later. Waking up to the morning sun, it’s a quiet peaceful morning in this paradise surrounded by Apple trees, the colorful flags waving in the wind, after 24 hours of nausea with stomach cramps and aching muscles, switching between bed and washroom throughout the entire day, falling asleep again and again. Exhausted. 

Much has happened in the last days, let alone weeks, a new chapter has begun. My last month in India has broken. So many ups and downs, so many cultural differences, heartbreaks, disappointments and struggles, including my last transition friend. So much understanding, love and support on the other hand from people I barely know. Random people taking care of me, speaking words of love and support in times when I couldn’t hold myself anymore. Reaching out a hand for me to hold on to when I was about to tremble. 

Let it be my lovely young Ladakh group inviting me one night to stroll around with them, seeing me sitting in the office. Taking me on a late night road trip into the sunset, playing music, drinking whiskey and wine, singing, laughing and joking out of nowhere, creating a wonderful unexpected night for me when still some leftover connection from Kashmir had nothing better to do than to bother me, pulling my nerves for weeks and weeks. Welcoming distractions like my transition friend, pulling me of my nightmare conversation with my sweet, becoming the next person trying to take away my voice, pushing me into the arms of wonderful people, lifesavers in the right moment, all come together to give each other a helping hand, understanding and compassion when needed the most, the circle closes again as so many times before. 

Now here I am after trying out to get along with different Indian mentalities, giving my all, turning out to have the same hurt inner child issue, living after their own truth, disrespecting others by their inability to listen or to care for other’s feelings. 

I’m happy and grateful for the learnings, I’m happy for my pain and broken heart at times seeing my limits, understanding that I need to care for myself when no one else will. Understanding to follow my intuition as it always guides me into the right direction, not give up for myself and be as kind and understanding with myself as I’m trying to be with others. 

I’m ready for my last month in this country to be the most beautiful one. With less struggles, more love and people sharing the experience. Let this place be the starting point, my body cleaned, having gone through weeks of sickness of breathing problems, coughing, running nose, fever, shivering, sweating, unregulated heart beat and stomach cramps. I’ll leave it all behind start fresh into to mountains of Himachal Pradesh. Good MORNING.