From one Bubble to the next

 

„Maybe you’re my third love“. That’s what he had said. Or maybe not. 

We’re all sitting together. New people have arrived. „I will miss you“ he says, looking at me. We’re smiling, laughing. I said the same thing. My German friend is leaving. We’ll meet again. „Maybe I come visit you in Berlin or do martial arts with you in Thailand“. I like the thought. „I’ll be the one writing you a prescription“. To retire, only to do yoga in the Himalayas. We’ve clicked from day one. I love his style. „You’re doing tough yoga, I like it. I like your style, the positions you do and the music you’re playing“. Today is the day of compliments for my skills. I feel people can see what I’m living, what I’ve been working for many years. Yoga. Each day. I see more. I want more. I want improvement when I see the flaws. When I see the missing self awareness in the teachings and the difficulties arising. My whole purpose is arising around it. Whoever entering the place, recognizing my abilities, I feel more confident about it, identifying the same errors and qualities that I see. 

Becoming closer to who I am, I confront my „third love“ with the issues I see, the disconnection I feel when he’s smiling over everything, not reflecting what it means for me. Living my emotions purposefully and consciously while he decides for indifference towards what is. This is not a part of me, wanting to live wholly, truly and fully. Feeling all of the feelings passionately without judging them. I want to cry when I’m sad, laugh when I’m happy, scream when I’m angry and complain when I’m frustrated instead of categorizing difficult emotions away for something less than they are. I want them as part of me and I want to be taken for me, who I am. We sit down. I explain to him how I feel, how I see things. My open projection field has caught yet another person, finding what they want in me but not all I am. I explain that I do not want people around me anymore who don’t choose to be with all of me and that he only needs me as his projection space for what he wants, how he sees the world and his needs and that I will have to detach myself from him if this is all it is for him. He doesn’t want that. It’s what I thought. At the same time I do not want to take the position of the mother, fixing situations or teach people to love me for who I am. I want people to freely take me with my all, recognizing my beauty, that I am a gift to their life, not their own desires in my mirror. 

Does a thought that was never thought exist? How to understand something that didn’t exist before? How to break through a belief system if this is intrinsically your only truth? How to understand an open mind when it’s closed and fixed on your world, believing this is an open mind understanding the world? The questions repeating themselves, coming back from the last weeks. I have jumped from one bubble into the next one without noticing. From the Muslim bubble into the yogi bubble. Only difference: the value system. The first system clashing completely with my own values and identity, the yogi bubble interconnecting more with my values but remaining closed to the rest of the world. Another projection world. No reflection, no openness to new learnings, no understanding for other identities, all the same in another collectivism. 

The pain remains. The hurt caused by their inability that feels like a free choice to not break free of their own thinking and belief system for me, to step over to my side or ask themselves if what they think and believe is the truth, causes me the same old familiar pain. Not being capable to step over to my world because the concepts of projection and reflection are widely unknown as no one has ever opened the door to such psychological ideas, patterns and constructs. 

This leading back to the original question: Can someone see or understand an idea or concept when there’s never been a path in their mind suggesting such or similar? And then if so going into an empty space wouldn’t there be the capacity to learn about it if the curiosity, the interest and passion was strong enough? If the passion and longing to explore what life truly holds for us was enough motivation to open up our world, thoughts and views on what there is or what there could be? To expand, grow above whatever we knew before? 

Going into all these different relationships with people from different backgrounds in the same country, my longing at no point being fulfilled when I wanted to be seen. Is it truly my biggest wish to have people next to me who are wanting to break open their perspective on life for me. For me as a person, as myself. My desire to be the reason, the motivation for someone to grow, to want more in life if it’s only to understand part of who I am and how I feel. Making the effort myself to break open my own belief system, my own patterns, learnings and ideas about life to gain new perspective, to understand my opposite part, the person I have in front of me. To understand their world and who they truly are, to share our hearts and build a connection, causing me all my disappointment, frustration and hurt, giving my all, to see people, not being returned the same energy, love and attention that I put in because people are happy and content in staying where they are. Stagnant in their belief and what they learned about the world, creating their own, projecting it every day to the outside. It feels like there’s no care left for me. 

Wishing every time it can’t touch me when I know it does as my heart is fragile and sensitive - which is also how I choose to live, what life is for me. Feeling. Learning. Connecting. Understanding. Growing. 

Being able to share my feelings and my disappointment with my sunshines, my friends who do know me and who have the heart and motivation to see and understand me, brings more clarity but I cannot deny that my heart is always taking some pain with it. And still I rather feel this sadness, the anger and frustration about feeling left alone and unseen in the dark by men who protect themselves from exactly that feeling than closing up and build a wall as they do, to not feel that at all. It’s my way of choosing all of life, not only the parts I wish to recognize but the light and the shadow to evolve and transform instead of staying in a small room with a limited view on the world, seeing the same every day believing this is life. 

Oblivious. She said. „I don’t think he will come talk to you as he doesn’t understand what’s happening no matter what you say“. I know she’s right. Oblivious. Indifferent. „Smoking helps“ he said some days ago. I should have listened to that. Smoking causing indifference to life. Maybe even love. 

„He looks very sad today“ she says. I cannot play these games with these boys behaving like children anymore. I need a man who stands up for what he feels and be able to speak up and care for what he feels and speak to me. 

The intellectual understanding of that unfortunately cannot completely cure my emotional reaction to his ignorance and ignoring me for 24 hours after I made myself vulnerable to him, speaking from my heart, crying, asking him exactly not to do that. 

My words as so many times before, having no weight, no impact on the other person, leaving me behind as I came. Unheard, ignored, not understood. „You cannot have an unemotional connection“ she says righteously so as I claim that I was only looking for a physical one. I cannot. I care. I care about hearts, about people and I love. And I want to keep loving no matter how much challenges this love will bring. 

Putting this out into the universe our girls circle is forming. The four of us completely evolving in our topic about men, sexuality, protection, reflection, growth, being the mother having to take initiative to solve situations while men behave like children not knowing what to do or growing their ego, escaping the situation telling themselves, they know it all, having it figured out, how life works, staying imprisoned by their egoic  mind. The collective pain body of women, finding salvation in our open, vulnerable exchange about our experiences, sharing our minds. Four women from four countries going through the same struggles. We’re all connected in our hearts, in our emotions. If we let them. If we acknowledge them for what they are and embrace them to teach us the lessons we need to learn as life is a never ending journey of learnings. It keeps us alive, evolving in evolution to become something else than we are today.