This One‘s for YOU ♥️
That's when I realize he is nothing special. In her tears, through her tears. In the mirror of her heartbreaking existential pain, I find my own. We cannot reach them she says. And so she is right. Go to the mountain and scream it out but don’t talk to him. Nothing you say will ever reach him. I wish you never waste a single drop of energy on him again. I hope this was the last encounter with him in your life. Mirrors mirrors mirrors all the same. My own messages returned to me by them.
Like when I told her a month ago that I saw so many similarities to my story and that I am afraid that this really is only an illusion as I had to learn it the hard way myself. Not once. Not twice... Here we are today. Trice. In the expected situation. Only hers is acute and mine is old and dormant. Dead. Disappearing. Ghosting. All he knows how to do. Please don’t disappear again he says before I am leaving. Only a shadow. A Projection. A mirror of his own shadow. I was never the one disappearing. At least this time I didn't come for him. I came for myself. The only thing that could change my mind if he said he really wanted this and he would fight for me and the relationship. At least I know now he is honest with me and not just giving me answers that he thinks I want to hear. It is so hard for me to hear her thoughts which are my own. Which are the same conversations I had. And the biggest pain of all that we get to encounter. The pain of not being valued and appreciated enough for that person to even fight for us. As a human being. A feeling being. As if nothing mattered. As if all our energy, our love, compassion, our understanding, openness and vulnerability was worth nothing. Kicked out like an old piece of furniture. As if we were exchangeable. This pain is cutting deep. And yet we were the ones showing our true self, displaying our heart, our love and affection. And there is nothing more beautiful in this world. In this life.
Everlasting love and shared pain they are soothing my heart. Healing it right here right now. We have to let them go. Not give them any space in our life.
Feeling her pain is like the toughest mirror of all. Seeing her go through this, minimizes my own anger and bewilderment about this boy that I falsely opened up to one too many times even after knowing exactly that he would have not changed a bit. Had I even written it black on white the weeks before meeting him. I had to show myself that there was no hope. That he was a lost case. I had to swallow my own bitter pill as I didn't listen to my own advice. I needed her as well. I just try to sleep so I don't have to think and feel and exist I guess... I guess it's ok. All this hurt breaking my heart, putting my little throw back into perspective. This little useless and unnecessary excursion into my past, a mere slip from my side. My old pain from back then coming alive again through her. He never loved me. For me, my true me and I think he never gave me a chance to show myself to him. Because he had his idea in front of his eyes of what he wanted. An illusion so he couldn't see me. I can see you are a great woman but I think you were never for me. Insults after insults after insults. No shame.
This endless pain I wish no one had to ever feel. Especially not her. My sweet soul. My kind, my smart, my beautiful soft angel. The kindest of all. Her hurt as mine when only a year ago I tried to explain my emotions to her and today she has to go through them actively herself. The same existential pain that no one deserves to feel. I worked so hard. I had so much hope. I have done so much for the relationship but it doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't change anything because he has a fixed mindset and I cannot do anything about it. I just want someone to see me. To be with me for who I am. I came to realize he doesn’t love me but I love him.
My Love my sweet. I came to realize that A doesn’t even like me. And all it causes me is laughter. It’s ironic when he was the one knowing in the beginning, telling me what I am telling you today. There is no person with a heart who can feel love, who would not love you. There is nothing not to love about you. The reason they cannot love us is because they cannot feel love. Not because they do not love US. Because they don’t love themselves. They do not know what love is. And for that we can feel endless sympathy and empathy and yet we can be grateful that we are the ones feeling. Not knowing love must be horrific and so we were brave and kind enough to face their incapacity of feeling themselves, protecting them, learning that we cannot. As long as they choose protection and fear over love they will have to suffer in loneliness. Alone. Without us.
The irony is that we all want to be seen for who we really are and yet we are trying to hide our fears, covering up who we are deep inside with all our doubts, insecurities, feelings of guilt, shame and fear. And so we end up in a spiral where no one can really reach us, connect to us and who we deeply are inside. Quote of the day for all the lost boys running around in this world breaking hearts because of their own deficiencies. Breaking people's hearts and spirits who are kind and understanding enough to let them in when the only thing we should do is to stop finding understanding, set our boundaries and let them go. Let them leave. The hardest part is to let go of what we were hoping for the future. Someone taking our life away just like that within the blink of an eye. Ruthlessly. Unscrupulous. As if there was not a spark of human emotions inside of them.
Bewilderment. Shock. It’s like the Universe put us together in this at the same time to hold each other.
No words can ever reach them. Because words are not enough for feeling what we feel. What they cannot. And probably never will. Our weapon. Time. Their weapon. No time. They have exposed us and nothing can help that. They have come to protect themselves, willingly paying the price of harming us and nothing can change that. We have exposed our hearts to the wrong ones and yet...
We are still breathing. We are alive. More than ever. Because we know what Love is. Because we have each other. Because we are our own best cheerleaders. Because we love each other, hold each other, share our feelings and know there is nothing we can do to scare the other person away because we love each other for everything we are. Mostly for our courage to be vulnerable. Real. Authentic. Us. I LOVE YOU MY LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART.
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