The Wake up Call

Our combined female energy creating such a force that we could feel the guys literally disappearing. The frequency of coherency opening up the space for healing so widely that all the reconciliation vibrations from our hearts build a reconnection. 

After having talked all our emotions through, dedicating our hearts to growth and learning, I go to the hut to settle down for the night. I receive a message:

Hii Lina, I don't know what is happening you have been angry with me all the time and I have no words to express how sorry I am. This should not be done you have been very nice to me all the time but I couldn't make things right. Also would love to see you happy again 😊

I read the message. It touches me deeply. That’s all I needed. His initiative. I feel the same way. He’s moved to the balcony thinking that I don’t want him near me. I tell him that I am not angry that he can talk to me but that I will be upset if he doesn’t. He replies: 

I am not away babe, it's just I don't know how to make you happy. I’m coming over. 

Babe. A few minutes later he comes climbing up the attic to me. He’s sitting across me kneeling. I missed looking into his eyes. I hug him. He’s holding me tightly in his arms. I can feel his heart. Clearly for the first time. His longing for me. He’s looking at me and starts talking. Openly. Making himself vulnerable. Telling me that he didn’t know what to do that all this is new to him and that he wants to learn from me. He wants to know how to deal with things, how to get in touch with his emotions. „Yes the smoking is making me numb. I’ve been hiding my emotions because I’m scared. Can you tell me how to feel them?“. We’re talking about all kinds of things, to be humble, to be open to change, to grow to reflect on one’s own behavior and feelings, about the yoga practice, about roles and women’s  collective pain body and how to acknowledge it. He repeatedly asks me to teach him about perspectives, practices and my way of life. For the first time he is clearly expressing his feelings. „Please just don’t run from me again, you can talk to me any time“ I say to him. „I will not run but you will go away from me“. He’s right. We talk about love. „Maybe I never loved. Do you think the nature of love changes?“. I tell him that I believe that with our pains, experiences, growth and learnings we change or definition of love and look for something else than what we’ve defined as love before. 

I feel so close to him for the first time really, I can feel our connection now. „Can I ask you a last question?“. My heart is melting. He’s there completely with me, bringing us closer with his interest, his care, showing me his heart, no shame, opening up his wounds to me to learn about them and heal them. With me. 

„I feel so light after talking to you“ he says before we’re closing our eyes falling into sleep in each other’s arms. I feel the vibration. I’m so grateful for his gift, for his openness, to not push me away, walk away but to face the situation and build a connection. The last question about us being physical. It was too early. The connection was missing, that’s all. Now I feel safe, happy and close to him in his arms. Intimacy that wasn’t there before. 

He wakes me up early. My sunshine love is leaving, tears in our eyes. We all miss her already. This day feels so different from the day before. The vibe is connecting, everyone around. I’m suggested to give some instructions today and I do. I want to learn and I’m happy to be encouraged by my fellow student teachers as we all are both, motivated to grow and learn together. It’s a beautiful feeling. They are following me, I feel save and happy. 

Going to the kitchen afterwards preparing porridge and a lot of fruits with Sandy he tells me how much he’s also missing my friend, our sunshine, as we all do, seeing her go in tears. Such a pure angel heart. She’s thanking me for the safe space. I feel many dots connecting today, forming once again a whole picture. I provided her safe space and so did she. We all have created a safe space for us to be and evolve. To feel and learn and be who we truly are even when it’s difficult at times, to face our shadows and be held in the darkness. 

Musical day. When we’re preparing the breakfast he asks me: „Mam I see you like to sing and dance. Music is my passion. Maybe you can teach me something. I saw you dancing, I think you have nice dance moves“. Only an hour later a bright young face shows up next to the balcony. „Are you smoking? Are you singing? Are you dancing?“. He’s joining the group, a new face. Putting out his ukulele as if the universe has been sending us a replacement for our sunshine ukulele player, the rain is pouring down heavy today. Our lost yoga teacher returning, giving us a wonderful, challenging, encouraging yoga lesson, all completely fulfilled and strong afterwards, the rainy day slowly coming to an end. A cozy day, wrapped in blankets, lying together on the floor, cuddling, talking, holding hands. He’s not hiding anymore. It’s peaceful. The mood from yesterday completely shifted with the weather, people and the rotation of time. 

Diving into the night extremely tired, I build my bed on the balcony like a magnet having only minutes later my two girls next to me, all of us falling asleep together. Feeling our yogi throwing another blanket over us, turning off the light I know we’re sleeping together. I miss him. I wanna sleep next to him and so I crawl under his blanket at 1 am, snuggling up to him. We kiss, we hug, we grow close. I feel so near to him, holding my head, laying on his chest in his hands, I have a warm feeling of protection in my heart. Still not understanding where to stop we fall asleep about two hours later in a similar situation as a few nights before. A few hours of sleep later he wakes me up as I’m the same tired, getting grumpy for the same reasons as only 48 hours before. I get the uncomfortable feeling that this may as as so many times before go in circles. 

Sitting in front of my breakfast, not feeling hungry after the yoga class, starring at the apple trees, he comes up to me with his plate. He says nothing. I’m not surprised and inside my frustration and sadness is growing as his silence confirms my failure in communication between us. I stare into nothingness. I feel sad. He asks me something going right into my trigger field. I reply upset, explaining myself and my feelings again about him not communicating with me. He’s calm. He interrupts me: „Look Lina. I’m trying. I ask stupid things because I didn’t learn anything different. I want to learn from you but I see you sad and I am sad and this is a happy place. I don’t want to lose you since you’re such a lovely friend but I couldn’t sleep the last nights from all the things you were saying because I care. You’re right I was detached before but now slowly I’m getting attached I think but I don’t know still how to make you happy, it’s a process. You’re a beautiful woman but I don’t want to see you or me sad“. 

He got it. Once again. I have nothing more to say. He caught me. Right there where I needed to be caught. With his openness, his courage, his vulnerability, his reflection about his own feelings and behavior and his willingness to change. I feel humbled by him. „Thank you so much. You’re teaching me right now“. I say. „You have such a big gift of learning immediately, I have rarely seen before“. „I want to because you teach me and I want to change. Thank you for showing me“. „I believe I came to wake you up as a wake up call“ I say. He’s nodding. „Yes. The universe sent you, this is why I want to change“. 

Some tears are running down my face. He doesn’t like seeing them. I do. We hug, I kiss him. The world is ok again. Together with my Spanish friend we’re going to all refresh in the waterfall and walk to the village for a coffee. 

„I saw how he was looking at you at dinner and today for breakfast. I’ve seen people looking like this when they really like someone“. Slowly I start feeling it’s true. His quiet, kind but confident manner humbling me in my judgmental, impatient mood swings. Balancing me back to reality. I couldn’t be more grateful for this life school, this kind teacher guiding me through these rainy days. I want to know it all, feel it all. Be it all.