Dynamics
Going through the process of digesting another failed love I have come to more and more insights and understandings over the past two weeks. Each day offering new learnings that slowly start forming a complete picture.
Over the days I first started looking at myself. My feelings, my triggers, pains, coping mechanisms and strategies that I’ve been already aware of for quite some time.
Analyzing my inner child over and over again in the attempt to see how all this pain of not feeling seen and heard, not receiving the care I wish for, the attention and recognition for who I am, being sincerely cherished and appreciated without feeling unwanted, inadequate or full of flaws, manifests itself when unanswered.
My deep belief formed in my early childhood that I’m not enough, that it’s not important how I feel and that I’m wrong inside and out, remaining until today. Repeatedly bringing out the feeling that I’m not worthy of love.
Thinking I had learned over the last 20 years how to apply strategies and channel these feelings in a healthy way instead of projecting them on to another person, I was even more shocked when I saw myself acting in the ugliest version of myself as I have already 10 years ago in past relationships.
Not only did it surprise me how I have lost my temper every day, feeling out of control, shouting, humiliating, hurting myself and the person I love but did it also leave me helpless and paralyzed of how to control this anger.
This deep anger and frustration as a reaction of feeling unwanted, unloved and of no importance to the person I loved, leaving me broken and perplex.
After leaving the person I was hoping to spend a big share of my life with, I fought a lot with myself, blaming myself for how much harm and pain I had caused the one I loved, bringing him nightmares, draining him, leaving him without understanding of what he had troubled in me. Never had he experienced such rage, such intensity and loudness „against“ him when he’s rarely raising his voice ever. Did I leave him with a lot of questions about himself, me, life, love and what had gone wrong between the two of us.
Other than the years before, I was determined that this time I would not step into my old, all too well known patterns that I knew too well, no matter he had already served them, causing me the same pain by using his words thoughtlessly promising me the world every day when this was only wishful thinking, leaving me in high hopes, great expectations and in the end deeply disappointed, angry and full of resentment for I wanted to trust them; being thrown down the dumphole again by complete ignorance of the other side.
Knowing all of it too well, I have communicated it to him from the beginning how fragile I am, told him all about my past, my downfall, believing in words that are nowhere to become true because the unreflective person believes in his own ghosts and self created wishes without realizing them. Still. He did the same. Headspace.
Despite all my understandings, feeling all kinds of opposing emotions after going away. Every day changing from blaming, feeling deep shame for how I have treated him, especially in the context of knowing that he has no understanding of the „whys“ as he’s never been confronted with the concept of the inner child, looking at his thoughts, feelings, actions, where his pain is coming from, WHY he acts in which way, what are the wishes behind his actions, what he wants to achieve by using all his words in such a powerful way, not ever focussing on their truth and so on and so forth; I could not completely let go of my own disappointment.
Completely missing the awareness for his own thoughts, not stepping out of himself or the situation, putting himself into the role of the observer, objectifying the situation to see more clearly what really is going on, challengingly every day.
By including me into his life, making me his princess Angel I became something much different from that; confronting him for the first time in his life with his shadows, inner daemons, coping mechanisms, trauma defense strategies, from the very beginning that he carries such burdens on his shoulders.
My intellectual understanding of basic behaviors in human nature, couldn’t avoid the struggles that were about to come. Throughout our fights continuously growing more intense each day, I could start seeing myself in him. My own child, craving for attention and recognition so much. This longing so strong to be loved for who we truly are, fighting for attention in a quite different way. Two beggars coming with empty pockets in the search for unconditional love.
But how did we get here from the beginning when I thought this time someone came to really get to know me, bringing his attention fully to me, interested to get to know me?
Displaying strong confidence, fearlessness, pretending not to be afraid of anything, having no questions about life, the world we live in or himself, my alarm was ringing. Words. Words to cover up for what’s truly inside. Dangerous as a mindset, closing our all capacities and capabilities to learn, grow and extend. Protection.
Not unaware of his weapon I confronted him before coming together in person. Over a week we managed to be in constant exchange, discussing many personal issues, thoughts, sharing stories and our hearts in mutual respect and interest. When I brought attention to his love bombing, confronting him with his way of idealizing me, using words carelessly to make me a fictional picture perfect princess, pointing out the danger in it as I was looking for authentic love and a sincere interest in my person; he reacted in a way that brought me nothing less but admiration and humbleness for him.
Introspecting on my opinion, reflecting on my thoughts and suggestions, he thanked me from the bottom of his heart, reflecting courageously, admitting that it was his coping mechanisms that he’s been developing over the years,conveying his gratitude towards me for spending my time and energy to reflect it back to him, sensing that it meant I care for him. I did. I still do. Forewarned is forearmed I thought. Danger eliminated. I was far off the reality.
He was clear, aware and dedicated to take a closer look at himself. This was all I needed from him to take a leap of faith to go into a deeper relationship with him. His openness, his will and motivation to learn about himself to build a healthy communication made me trust him, maybe muting my own intuition.
Seeing a glimpse of awareness from his side for who he truly is, the reflection and openness to learn about it, presenting me his large potential in growing, encouraged my hope that this would be a connection of mutual support and understanding. However this awareness as it turned out only days later, would not be lasting for long. Inconsistency. Throughout our time together, naturally occurring as a symptom of process.
These moments of understanding and reflection as mere glimpses of light, an insight at a particular moment in time, coming as fast as they’re disappearing again into the darkness of the unconscious mind.
When we’re completely new in the field of self-reflection, inner healing, personal development, trauma defense mechanisms, protection strategies and inner child work, we can’t expect continuity, steadiness and stability in the process of learning, as we’re still ignorant of our own pains and how they affect us in every day life; in every thought we think, every emotion arising in us, how we perceive the world and ourselves and what we subconsciously do to shield us from that pain to receive the love we deserve.
It makes it almost impossible to find an authentic way of communication, creating mutual understanding for our trauma and pains but instead puts us on a rollercoaster ride that will create quite the opposite dynamics as we tend to fall back into unconsciousness, unawareness, identifying with our mind, feelings and habits, going blindly back into our patterns that we’ve developed somewhen along the way to protect ourselves from the pain we at some point weren’t able to face; using strategies to manipulate life and people into providing the love we have been craving all our lives.
IDENTIFICATION. The key to all our unconscious behavior, bringing out emotions we don’t feel belong to us. Because they do not. Over many years in darkness we will be deeply identified with our thoughts and feelings. Taking on what another person is projecting on us, reacting to it instead of staying in our balance, connected to ourselves.
In order to heal we need an open heart, genuine dedication, strong courage to face our shadows and go through the pain. We need the will to be vulnerable, the strength for continuity, willpower, discipline and motivation to change, grow and work on our subliminal limitations, keeping us from what we truly need. A life in happiness and love.
As I half-consciously overlooked the aspect of time and ever evolving dynamics in a healing process (years, until the end of our lives), it broke our necks in the end. Rather sooner than later our mechanisms would throw us into an endless spiral of hardship, fights and hurt feelings; impossible to escape the dynamics of action causes reaction circle, we became more and more blind, deeply hurt, the connection slowly breaking from hopelessness into resignation.
Blinded by his words that would turn out as merely wishes in his mind, not holding up in reality, unintentionally used by him to get the love and attention he needed from me, creating a world that I wanted to believe in, bringing out all my deepest longings of being loved the way he would display it to me, a love that I wanted to live with Him, was shattered the same. For when all delusions could not be denied anymore it all bursted into flames, breaking my heart. And his.
Trying to connect all the dots of my findings in the days after leaving, I go to the beginning of our journey together until now to see how the patterns and dynamics could evolve and develop over time unnoticed. Quietly. Where they came from and how they have become such an unconscious powerful force, slowly drawing us apart from one another.
Picturing the first days I remember how every now and then I I would get upset because I felt he wasn’t listening to me. Many moments he would get distracted, cutting me off after only a few sentences or was absent minded all along. „Hey you interrupted me“, I recall myself saying to him, not only once, trying to get his attention back. Sharing a story or my feelings with him, my way of building a connection, I remained more often than not unheard. I started feeling like listening to me was no more than a necessary obligation for this relationship to exist but not a sincere wish and frank interest in me, who I am, how I felt or what I had on my mind. It felt like it was a burden for him listening to my thoughts and so slowly and unconsciously my patterns were activated for reaction; my inner child starting to feel hurt and neglected.
On the other side I could see how he would only let me talk for a few minutes, doing the exact same thing on his side, like a mirror, trying to listen for a short time, I couldn’t deny the notion that it felt like he was only waiting for his turn to talk.
Another child in need to be listened to, heard, recognized and understood. One in total unconsciousness, the other one partly aware but holding on to his words in the deepest wish that this time, despite her contrary intuition, they will become true. She will finally become the princess for someone, so important like nothing else but her mattered more for him, receiving the love, care and recognition she deserves. Largely mistaken as I took on his projections, making them mine. Taking his escape world, his trauma coping mechanism on, identifying with it, making myself part of a game that could only leave both parties lost and losing. No winner in this.
Over time all my triggered feelings building up by the day, my deepest pains, coming to the surface, causing a full circle of the uncontrollable inner child.
FIGHT VS. FLIGHT
The Fighter. Anger, outbursts, controlling the inner daemon, exploding, judging, throwing things, slamming doors, harming myself.
Him on the other side a mix of Fawn and Freeze. Overwhelmed by emotions, pleasing people, lacking identity, codependent, feeling dissociated, isolation, numb, shut down, shut off, exhaustion, indecisive, sleeping a lot.
In these opposing strategies of coping with our past and the present pain, my fighter mode, having endless energies for discussions, trying to solve problems, growing strong in my pain, growing beyond myself to open new doors, the need to communicate, never ending capacity for arguments, confronting him with every little detail that would leave me unsettled, any uncomfortable feeling inside me, with the intention of finding solutions, I directly provoked his unconscious mechanism of shutting down. Withdrawing himself more and more the lower his energy became with each confrontation.
A perfect duo creating a spiral of distance, not understanding the other person. The more I pull, the more he’s closing up, still trying to please me as he’s lacking his own identity as I’ve told him so many times, feeling like he’s dissociated from himself and therefore still in the turmoil of his self created dream, causing me on the other side, to become more and more agitated, not facing reality, not knowing who he is or what he wants and for that not having the capacity to see me or my pain. A picture perfect vicious circle, finding its end only when I finally pack my things and leave the situation. Us.
I feel compassion and understanding for him, maybe more than he himself.
Nevertheless I’m feeling betrayed, hurt and disappointed.
Causing the same pain inside of me, not wanting to hear my truth, disappearing from my life as if I’ve never truly existed.
A deep sadness and grief for what could have been, losing my love, again is making its way through to the surface as well. The feeling of missing something. Missing him. Missing his touch, laying in his arms, having him singing songs to me, reading poems to me, doing my hair, my nails, massaging me. Taking care. Of me. He did take care of me. At times, when I meant something to him.
Looking into his eyes, seeing his pure intentions, his bliss reflecting into my eyes. Feeling his truth, wanting more of what could not have been.
I feel like he came into my life to show me what I really want and need in a committed relationship. Bringing back my values into focus. Honesty, reliability, mature communication, care, dedication, stability, responsibility, accountability, attentiveness, sensitivity, empathy, integrity, compassion, understanding, courage, vulnerability, sincerity…
His imaginary dream of me becoming a mother, getting married to him, resonating so deeply inside of me that it almost scared me. The expectations I have in a partnership that he was trying to convey to me in words but not actions. The stability of a partner who will care for me no matter what, who will be reliable, caring and understanding. A partner who will actively listen because listening is loving and he understands that. It feels like meeting him was a necessity, a testing field from the universe for me to recognize my own dreams and visions for when the right person comes I will have clarity of that he’s the one when words finally don’t matter anymore because this person will show me how love is being lived, bringing it into reality, acting up on it every day.
Fortunate for him his coping mechanism draws him away from me as seemingly his feelings for me have vanished with my physical leaving. Like a ghost, from when my body left the freeze completely kicked in. I feel disconnected like I’ve never existed in his world. Sadness comes along. The most intense. Someone else not caring about me. Confirmation for my child. Communication. It screams. Why are you not talking to me??? Acceptance. Emotional maturity. No communication. Yet I’m glad he’s taking his space as he cannot communicate to me now.
He feels numb he says. Closure. Indeed. I meant something to him at some point. For what it seems that meaning didn’t last long. His feelings connected to his words, he may have also fooled himself into believing that he loved me. My biggest fear that none of it was real. From the start.
No matter how often being confronted with the same truth of not being loved for who I am from the beginning in my attempt to specifically avoid that feeling, I still cannot feel angry about him.
I still don’t want to let go of my belief that there’s a person out there who will love me unconditionally with all I am, will keep his promises, will stay with me, fight for me, see deep inside of me and understand who I am and love me for exactly that. Nothing more, nothing less.
I remain with the understanding that no matter how much I understand about the human mind, trauma, its cause and effects, it will not take away the pain completely and it will not make love unreal, however we try to create it. Feelings remain, as our heart remains our heart and I refuse to give any of my emotions away to my coping mechanisms. It’s only a way to soothe the mind and help finding back to light without getting lost in the turmoil of suffering.
With the words of WOODKID:
~ Let it all go ~
A little voice whispering inside of me.
https://ngoeke.medium.com/relationships-are-like-trains-6def3d947653
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