Time to Receive

 

I’m laughing, we’re walking out the restaurant, completely satisfied, filled on all levels, he’s paid once again. „You need to stop doing that, you’re too good to me.“, I pull on him, holding his arm, while he’s paving the way for me. “I’m trying not to be too good to you”. I keep giggling asking him for explanation. He keeps his face, completely collected, he’s just being himself in his true nature. I don’t stop. “I just mean, I can be much better than that. I try not to push anything”. This is why I feel so comfortable around him. I can just be near him however I come. 

Picking some groceries, he grabs the bag and my notebook so I can eat my ice cream and sip my soda. 

This has again been such a smooth fulfilling day. 

Returning from class after I’ve jumped on his back in the morning to collect my…

No one have ever done this for me….ever.. even I’ve never expected this from anyone but after reading this I felt loved.

I see how he’s cleaned, doing yoga with him, as he’s adapting to my schedule. At five finally making it out to eat, having gone lost in the exercise, he’s expressing to me how grateful he is for the things he’s learning from me. I feel this mutual exchange of energy, nourishing us naturally, unexpectedly. He’s taking on habits of mine gratefully, stepping in to my daily routine. “Tell me more when you’re back. […] you’re really leaving an imprint on my life”. I look at him. I wanna cry. I’ve heard these words before from and about everything, only this time it’s actions, completed. How has all this beauty found its way to me once again ?!

Having the most delicious meal in front of me, giggling from excitement, I hear a girl on the phone, about the Dalai Lama, asking the person on the other end if they’re still interested. I’m laughing. He’s heard her too, looking at me. We’re smiling at each other. “No of course we’re not interested in meeting the Dalai Lama. Now please give us a time too. How about 4.30?!” I suggest and keep giggling. Two seconds later we hear her. 6 am. He looks at me. “Who’s the queen of manifestation?” my eyes smiling. “Should I be scared now?” He asks. The Dalai Lama calls for an early next morning. 

Returning home I listen to my love, the universe. He brings warmth and clarity of love to me. Love that knows no doubt, has not from the beginning. “You’re the purest love I know. Everyone loves you because you are love. I’ve watched you now these weeks and I saw that you are in love with that guy but he is not in love with you. Not what I think is love. I don’t want to judge but he is doing what he does and you’re suffering again and he does the same thing again. He could do differently. You deserve better. I have all the love for you in my heart always. I cannot change that. I learn so much from you. After many years you came and I felt love.”

Coming from another heart I may have felt offended by him telling me that the person I cry for, doesn’t love me. With him, I don’t. He’s right. My heart feels save, truth. I miss him. Both I miss. I feel sorry. 

He loved me from the first day and at no point moved away from it. Holding space for me at all times. I feel the deep purity of what love is with the guy sitting only a few meters across me and the man who never left me once he saw me. Never did he ever drop a word of such meaning but living it in the truest matter. 

No questions arising, only loving kindness. Love. My heart filled, my body and mind at total ease, without questions. Ease and comfort, trust and clarity. No unsettling feeling, no irritation or confusion. I got distracted by the beauty of words and my own dreams. Taken away by everything that’s distracted me, only though that the love of the universe could softly show me to the top before leaving this country. 

It’s only a little over a week when I first saw him, almost without notice, in my disturbed, troubled heart. Now I feel like we’ve been companions, friends and space holders to nourish one another, hold each, enjoy our lives as students in the same space we chose for as long as that may be. 

I’m tired and bl(i)essed. Excited for everything ahead of me. 

It’s dark, early morning. Getting ready for the Dalai Lama. This is how natural we’ve come together, though I still need to adapt, my energy is all over the place, my emotions still not in control. I don’t want to put my anger, my pain and sorrow on his soul. “You don’t deserve this” I say to him laying crying on the bed. 

I had yelled at him, got angry for a bad joke, after just having stepped out the holiest place. Having shed tears in the early morning for the head of holiness, the Dalai Lama himself. Moved in my heart, still my emotions flowing out of me, all over to him, against him when he has done nothing but good for me. Fragility in my system, the need to recover. The sun on my face, making it easier; floating through time and space with my overwhelming heart. 

My heart is still involved with everything. I love him. 

Finding together I once again have to feel my shame about my uncontrolled rage. It seems to sit so deeply or maybe it has slowly started crawling through my bones since I came into this country, feeling unseen and unheard in every possible way, having to aggressively fight through each day for many weeks. Not being able to express myself in kindness and happiness but to push people off, to stay alive and sane. Changing the trust and beauty in my heart to fight or flight. As I wasn’t going to fly, I started fighting. 

Seeing myself overwhelmed with emotions for weeks, not having me smile for some time, I seek remedy. Only I don’t know where, what, who or how. Hoping home will be salvation as I do not want to hurt anyone else I love anymore. 

Doing yoga together, going for dinner, we come closer together, yet very aware and still…. I feel grateful for him, yet scared to be overwhelmed again, taking it out on him. 

The crow. The symbol that she had seen in my energy, surrounded by them, coming back to me. Had I only hours later seen a crow at the top. The crow. A sign for death and rebirth. A sign sent from the gods not to be ignored. Leave the past behind. It’s time not to follow your heart anymore but to disrupt the flow and use your brain. As my love’s exact words yesterday. Encountering a big shift in life. A symbol of change and transition. If the crow could talk she would say: “this too shall pass”. Resisting change is like living in a state of denial. The crow spirit reminds you to be flexible instead of rigid. Be open to new experiences, inviting new people into your life. Sometimes change that you fear or dread can turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to you.

I feel like overlooking more signs of the universe when people literally are handing them to me every day would be exactly that. Denial. As everything. 

The question if I have really loved him has become irrelevant as he said yesterday „I know you are in love with that guy but he does not love you. When you told me how good he was with words, I already thought…you know in general people who are good with words..“, I know. Don’t follow your heart, use your intellect, your mind. 

I guess it’s time. Time to not be scared anymore to not receive the love I deserve. 

Waking up in the morning, preparing myself, the sun is shining strong and warm, I open my door to leave, he’s leaning on the railing, smiling as bright as the sun, hugging me so tightly that I can barely breathe. I’m warm, my heart feels loved. „You’re coming back at half 2 right?!“ Walking down the stairs, entering the garden, approaching the gate, I hear his whisper from the balcony: „bye see you later“. I’m smiling. My heart is light. 

Arriving at class she’s asking me how I am. Like yesterday. I talk about my mind, my anger. She’s nodding understanding. „You should have a consultation with doctor. He can help. You should get it out“.  

Going home, the sun in my heart, he comes out of his room as he hears me entering. Smiling he hugs me, asking for my day. Overly excited I inform him about all the things I’ve learned, taking out my study books, about to do more work. „I’ll leave you studying. If you need anything, I’m two meters away.“ I love this. Finishing work, cooking, still connecting in between for breaks, I enjoy the ease and routine of learning and growing with love. 

Including the female pain body. Our collective trauma, the anger, channel it into love. Sitting by his side makes me feel ok. I can heal, in love and energies like his. Standing on the balcony did I think it was with someone else. Someone who I loved. Someone who I still love.