Trimurti of Love

I don′t know why

We need to break so hard

I don't know why we break so hard

But if we′re strong enough to let it in

We're strong enough to let it go

Who says truth is beauty after all?

And who says love should break us when we fall?

“I’m staying in Trimurti” she says when I’m trying to understand her pain. A reminder also for me, when the next morning I run into him, he’s showing me a new way. Through Trimurti. There it is again. I giggle in the morning sun. The universe has its ways. India does. The magic it’s surrounding me with, I can sometimes barely grasp. My heart does. And my sunshine does. As one of our circle only two days ago ignites the fire of love inside my heart, bringing humility for their trust to be part of my life, remaining there, the further our journey goes, our paths growing closer together, enhancing the energy to the rest of the circle. “I love you so much. As the universe does, as all the other people I’ve seen around you. I cannot wait to see you again. I’m so grateful for you.”  Reaching towards the sparkling sun, my sweet. 

“The way India is compared to anywhere else is just totally totally different. Everyone is so kind. India is such a special place. It’s like being in a matrix. The real world is in India and the fake kind of sleeping world is outside, everywhere else”. That’s what she says and that’s how I feel. She puts it into the right words. India is so special, you learn so much about yourself in the energy of the loving kindness of the Indian people. The Ghee. Listening to her understanding supportive words, brings everything all together, rounding what I’ve been speaking about for so many hours with my friends the day before. 

“You really love him”. She says. I love him. How simple. This is good. I feel love. How lucky. “You sound so different from the last time I heard you. When you say even after all he’s done to you, if he came to  see you again you would just hug and kiss him, shows how much you’ve grown and even after all this your love is unconditional”. She’s saying the same thing to me like my love yesterday. “I admire how much love you have. I could not find empathy and compassion for my ex, especially after everything he’s done”.

Only when you find a way to distance yourself from your own emotions will you truly be able to feel the other person’s heart. Is this love then?

The waves changing so much, slowly climbing back to the summit, understanding what made me fall down. 

My own hurt, the same disappointment I’ve had to feel over so many weeks. Approaching him from the depth of my heart, feeling nothing but empathy for him, at the risk of being rejected, he’s welcoming me back with warmth. No rejection. I opened his door to take another risk for love, for friendship and companionship in hope for connection. He let me enter. 

When sharing their story they gave me the insight of their possible hurt, as I’ve done the same, only blinding when we can’t see the other person as our own mirror. Now I could only feel understanding, as his pain is mine. Feeling truly blissful and full of love I came to find common ground as he took me back in, embracing me, giving me his smile, hiding his head in my neck. I felt the truth, the trust and the hurt at the same time, feeling heard. A good night hug, calming my soul, the morning sun, bringing out the same energy. This time he’s opening his door for me. Someone has to start. 

Courage for connection, for something bigger than our own trauma, pushing us into the same dark hole that we came from, having to relive the same disappointment over and over again. Only when we find new ways to overcome our own shadow, step out of it in bravery for what we truly desire, will we be rewarded with the gift we’ve always been searching for. 

I like to believe that he didn’t leave me for he doesn’t love me. He didn’t leave me for I wasn’t enough or too much. For that he didn’t leave me behind for me but for himself to protect for all he knew he had to protect. Yet living the same unfulfilled dream. Maybe I was only one of them. One to think back about, not to be taken to reality. 

He went hiding into his safe space. Their silence. Their hiding place from hurt, from fear, from feeling rejected. From not being seen and heard, even understood. 

Not from me as I haven’t rejected them but from deeply buried past loves that couldn’t be lived. People who should have stayed, should have protected, understood and seen them. But they haven’t. As I have also remained in a dark corner, unnoticed, unheard. 

Having the same pain, being so hurt by being abandoned without a word, having the door shut in my face uncountable times, in my most vulnerable stages of giving love, I wasn’t ready to understand they’re feeling the same. Conscious or unconscious as we all do. Finding compassion as the Dalai Lama suggests, opening new doors of empathy, stepping on to the other side is all I know to do, no matter how little I will be seen, no matter if I remain in the darkness, no matter if it will cause me the same pain and rejection a million times more for love is all I know I’m here for.

Finding my love so strongly encouraged, enhanced by their words of pure loyalty for my being, gives me all the strength I ever knew. Accumulating in such light that I can’t deny it, no matter how deep my pain, it’s not truth. I am being loved from all sides. I’m being held, I’m being understood, heard and seen, lifted up high into the skies of courageous determination to fly, than hide into the fight, strong and graceful. Letting our guard down to find our oneness, our essence. For us. For our heart. For our happiness. For our dreams. For love. 

The universe says it’s no love, the sunshine says it’s real love, everything is silent. I guess feelings just are what they are. 

And still there is a chance I just wasn’t the one. That he just couldn’t love me even though he wanted to. 

My longing for a goodbye was strong. For a goodbye in peace for what we had, in honor of sharing a part of our journey together, in giving each other space and trying. Maybe that wasn’t something he could provide for me, something he wanted to have. Yet he remains everything. 

Yet the question remains. Do we look for a challenge to outgrow our old selves, rise above what we’ve ever known or do we want stay imprisoned in our self made cave that once saved our life, remaining our safe space, yet also shielding us from all the beauty we never knew existed?

Creating love, the female energy maintaining the love, fighting for it, making it thrive when you take her out of her struggle for survival as she cannot prevent destruction from the other side being abandoned in her fight.