REALationships vs. Multipartnership
Same topic, different angle. What's with all the autonomy talk within relationships? All these "new modern alternative concepts" for relationships. Polygamy, open relationships, relationships with multiple partners claiming: This really works when you trust your partner(s). We are not made for monogamy. It's not natural blabla and we can love multiple people at the same time. When we all have an open communication these concepts can work.
I understand the idea behind all kinds of arguments concerning these new types of relationships that claim the basis is a healthy confidence and being at peace with yourself, liking yourself, loving yourself, knowing your worth. If you had a healthy confidence there would be no problem trusting yourself and therefore your partner so much that you wouldn’t mind them being in another romantic or intimitate relationship outside of yours.
However, I see the whole trend more from another point where people are less and less ready to commit to a person. Truly commit in dedication, constantly, not only temporarily and partially but fully and completely. Many people want more and more, never satisfied with what they have, everything at the same time. I think this is where the misery starts. One partner is the ideal sexual match, the other one is the perfect listener and the third is most fun to hang out with. Another popular argument: One person cannot give you everything. Yes very correct and why would I NEED everything? Why am I not ready to be with one person and accept and love them with ALL they are instead of finding other people who fill the spaces so whenever I feel bored, uncomfortable or unhappy about something with my partner I just escape and go to another one? Why do I want to escape the uncomfortable feelings? And if I am in a relationship that's stagnant then should I not be brave enough to face the situation and maybe end it instead of being too scared to be alone? And if it is not the case and I love my partner and the relationship is fulfilled then why again do I need to "open" it for others? (open for me in this context also isn't the right fit as I would rather call it "escape relationship") Are these really values that are worth to be lived? Will they bring us true happiness and authentic connection in the end? For me all this seems like the opposite of being truly happy with oneself. It sounds like a very functional escape strategy for our generation.
It seems to me that I try to avoid dedicating myself with my life and heart to another person. Love them as they come. Because what would this mean concerning communication with my partner? It means work. It means motivation, interest and effort to communicate with each other every day to build a stable, deep connection, to understand one another especially when we are not of the same opinion. Especially when we disagree. Especially when our partner doesn't feel the same way we do about something. Especially when things and times become difficult because we can't find agreement in a situation. This is exactly the time when love shows. When empathy comes through, when our will to be with someone is asked to shine. A person who no matter what, has our back, will protect us, our relationship, fight for it, be in it. Be there. Not run away.
Autonomy and jealousy. I hear it all the time that jealousy is somehow connected to a low self-esteem. I cannot agree to that statement fully. It seems to me more like an unnatural expectation of a human being to never feel jealousy. Also it sounds like a black and white statement coming from one extreme side of the spectrum. Never being jealous in a relationship as an indicator for being completely fine with oneself? Really? Isn't it much more likely that we commit less and less to a person in order not to get hurt? To never really truly build a deep connection to ONE person in order to protect ourselves from getting disappointed and hurt if our partner leaves us, if problems are arising because we don't want to feel the pain because we are so scared for our heart because we all know very well how heartbreak feels. It's taking our all, our mere existence. And wouldn't we all want to protect our own existence at all costs?
Still in our generation's dating world it seems autonomy is a great value. The more independent you are, the more attractive you become. If jealousy comes up it's interpreted as a sign of weakness, of not being ok with yourself. Is that really a truth? Isn't this very one dimensional? Isn't it much more that this feeling of fear is coming as a natural human feeling when someone truly means something to us? When someone means so much to us that from time to time in certain situations we get scared of losing them? And isn't this also beautiful? Isn't this a direct mirror of how much we care for someone? Isn't it too shallow to argue that clearly whenever someone is feeling jealousy it is because they are insecure about themselves? Hardly can I imagine a person who is not completely enlightened or wholly detached from their emotions, never having felt notions of jealousy.
Any sort of feeling, comfortable and
uncomfortable ones, they have a function always as we are human
beings. Emotions are there representing the situation. They may not always be appropriate in each situation but they are there to be felt and understood and not to be denied, avoided, suppressed or judged. I find it dangerous to develop concepts where we believe certain emotions have no necessity to exist and therefore need to be eradicated or show
that something is wrong with us. As long as we are able to observe
them, feel them, ask ourselves where they are coming from and which function they are fulfilling, aren't we ok? Aren't we all human beings
with a beautiful spectrum of emotions that shall be accepted and
appreciated when properly handled instead of denying them? Wanting to
make them disappear for the price of disconnection? Is it really a
valuable goal to be able to be alone? Always alone? Needing noone? Isn't
this all the actual source of our pain and the answer is disconnection?
Not trusting someone with all we ar? Staying in control? Being autonumous? May we not forget that autonomy is the opponent of connection. So however far more we move to the side of autonomy on the spectrum, the further away we are from connection.
No matter how
hard I try to see the advantages of other concepts of
relationships, my core is telling me it's an escape.
This love I feel inside myself, this strong all overwhelming love, I
would not be able to share the same love with someone else. I
would not want to. How could I? If I make a choice to dedicate myself to
a person, in honesty because I want to spend my life with them, I want
consistency, integrity, I want to take care of them. Would this really
be possible if I have multiple people involved? Don't we already have
enough people we love in our lives in different positions? Our friends,
our parents, neighbors? And what happens if we involve even more people
into intimate relationships? Do we really have the same capacity to do
justice to each of our partners? Treat them with the same values, the
same respect, support, dedication and care? Kindness and loyalty? I
cannot see how this shall be possible unless people have different
definitions and values about intimate relationships from mine.
When I am with a person, I expect them to be with me. To be there for me, especially in harder times. I expect loyalty and patience. I want someone who DECIDES to be and stay with me for who I am and wants this on all levels with their whole heart consistently and not temporarily when things are well but rather spends their time with someone else for needs that I cannot "fulfill". I am a human being. I want to be good enough for someone totally and completely. I feel like there is so much misunderstanding around love and modern relationships, it concerns me, scares me on the deepest level.
It
feels like the biggest excuse, a lie constructed so meticulous that we can't detect it,
arguing from the opposite side, claiming that these alternative forms of relationships, building rooms to escape, are the ones that represent the love
to ourselves, our trust and self-esteem. I don't think so. I think it's a
great modern protection mechanism, maybe the strongest and most
dangerous one. A collective escape strategy promoting self love, trust and openness when there lies something much deeper: The pain of
our childhood.
And so the circle closes going back always to the same epicenter of our mind, our psyche. Our self-worth, our pain, causing our protection strategies, our defense mechanisms. Finding new ways to protect our heart, in fear of being left again, being hurt, heart broken, feeling like someone took our life, avoiding true connection.
My heart and mind has told me as long as I can remember that I want this one authentic, true love totally and completely, whatever that may involve. I will take all the hardship, the good and the bad to feel this one unique connection to this one person that I choose to spend my life with instead of spreading out and only give parts of me to multiple people. I am not saying that there’s no way that alternative concepts cannot work. I’m only considering the option that I’m some cases we might not ourselves a favor going into multipartnerships if our motives are not clear to us. Even if this appears to be an idealistic or radical point of view. Isn't any concept after all in the eye of the beholder? I choose a REALationship instead of multipartnership.
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