The Smile of a Buddhist Monk

 Now I know what your smile reminds me of. I'm refilling the fridge with beer, water and lemonades. It's early morning. I look at him. It reminds me of the Buddhist monks in Nepal. You know, not quite obvious but always there. I feel so deeply touched by his words. I get goosebumps. I feel the truth. I remember my time in the Himalayas of northern India, living for months in the energy of Buddhist monks, not to mention the most powerful of all, the Dalai Lama himself. My mind going back to when I laid eyes on him, feeling his holiness, tears running down my face, as if the holy spirit herself has touched me, just as my tears are splashing out again when I’m telling my friend a few hours later what this man saw in me. Remembering that moment as to what I felt in the energies of all these Tibetian monks, their kindness, their consideration and hospitality, this selflessness in the crowd of everyone only wanting to have a little glimpse of Him for once in their life, the one and only. Watching out for one another even in the excitement of all, I pause for a second in the attempt to take it with me. This energy of kindness surrounding me, wanting to take it back with me to wherever I go and there comes this man who has been to Nepal and makes me the gift of reigniting the smile of the monks in my face. It must be her, the place or maybe it’s me. Maybe I managed to bring a tiny piece of what I’ve felt back then here I say to him and smile in humility.

When we sat last night around the table a group of different Germans gathered with our Albanian company and we first talk he says: The first thing I recognized about you when I arrived today was you smiling. Smiling still in this heat. Smiling still working and I was thinking how does she do it? Honestly it's incredible. You remind me of someone I met, have you been to Nepal by any chance? I listen to his words and I feel seen. Seen in my heart. Have I felt so weak that day, annoyed, disconnected, somehow empty and lost in the peak of the heat, the wind blowing around the sand like a desert storm covering even the mountain view. While I listen to hours of voice message, returning the same, I feel helpless. Helpless and frustrated towards her medical situation. Becoming worse every day, her resistance towards any help and her rejective mindset towards any offers made to her, any assistance that could bring relief to her acute state of pain. You know what I think it is about Dona? I think she has trust issues. I think she may have experienced something very traumatizing that she cannot trust. He is so bright awake, so fast to catch the situation, to feel the circumstances and understand them on the deepest level without having had any further insight. He is one of these people who sees beyond, beneath without having to make an effort. 

She is not here this morning and I wonder if it has become true what he had talked to me about the night before when I came back from the river as I know there is not the slightest bit of hope that it actually may have become reality when I see him sitting there with his flask of Raki. I was hoping for it. Only just before I go down, she's asking me from her bed how do you like him? He is nice? She smiles conspiratorially. I am annoyed. I really have no capacity or the will or urge to focus my attention on anyone in particular. I don't care I say roughly to her. There are many nice people here Dona, I say seriously. She repeats what she has already offered. But he is much nicer than Gerald? I know who she means and I get more upset. I'm only here still for a few days. Why that Kindergarten. Maybe you can go to the National Park with him. It suits my mood all this unnecessary playaround that I really have no nerve for. Yet she is right. He is a wonderful person who is dedicated, caring, loving and open minded, seriously interested, someone who also looks beyond and is dedicated and willing to do whatever is in his power to support her cure as I will experience even more when I sit down across him with a glass of wine.

Look I've made a plan. I need to take her to Tirana hospital tomorrow. I have friends there. We need to scare Beni, he needs to talk sense into her. Make her understand the urgency. His intentions are pure and consistent, unshakable. The kind of effort we need around here, a person who's not to be scared off and away but consistently coming around. I deeply admire his dedication towards her well-being so much. Having someone sitting across me, fighting for her with the same heart, maybe even stronger as I'm close to surrendering, makes me feel deep gratitude and a sense of security about him. There is this caring person who is willing with all his senses of what he knows best to do, fighting at the front for her. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what she has and I think I know, only I cannot be sure as I am not the right specialist for it. I couldn't forgive myself if I sat still now and didn't do anything. Having all these conversations online with people I've never seen in my life, now here with him, the neighbors, friends, it's giving me the chills how much people care, how much they offer to take care of everything and how much she is fighting it as she doesn't trust no one to be good enough. 

Slowly the table is expanding from the wise German man who would see right through, joined by a young German cyclist, coming from the East as I do, inviting me for a beer after I've already downed two glasses of wine and Raki. Such a beautiful, kind, open soul, so giving, curious and attentive. Never has someone offered me a drink here before, let alone in the first minutes of the conversation. Within minutes all my agitation from the day disappears. The vibe is changing into a trusting, caring atmosphere. The topics around the camping, traveling, our lives, the kindness of people. It's becoming more and more beautiful as the nice couple from Berlin is joining as well after our half hour conversation in front of the toilet. You sang so beautifully when you were doing yoga in the morning. I smile timidly. The second compliment I wasn’t aware of people noticing about me doing. The German invasion is back and we’re laughing about it. Just the right people to find some peace, some joy, exchange our experiences and views on the world where our values all seem to meet in the same place. The heart. 

Having the night opened with this beautiful compliment about my smile, not letting it go when I look at him in disbelief, he refuses, he says, no truly it is the first thing that I have noticed about you, it amazed me how you could stay smiling, when inside I felt the opposite. It warmed my heart. It gave me sense, joy to know that I could share some positivity with someone and happiness for someone seeing me, for all the topic having been the inattentiveness and ignorance of people, filling me up in this group where I'm being displayed of what when like minded humans are coming together can look like. People need people as he had said the night before.

When everyone is getting up to go to sleep, I go inside like every night to say good night to her but also today to tell her seriously once again of how little I see I have an impact on her and that this is one of the reasons I will have to leave her and not stay longer as I can see no change, no difference in if I am here or not. She's looking at me, almost crying, desperate how I could say such a thing, if I didn't know how much she loves me. I hurt her. She doesn't understand my point. I cannot help her health, her physical well-being or a change in her mindset. Her love is the strongest. Undeniable, so deep, it is breaking me, she would give her all for me, I know. Yet she's slowly destroying herself, out of fear, out of distrust, of a mindset of poverty. I cannot watch it. I'm sad. I love her so much and I wish I could give my life for her. Yet I am still here. For whatever it may be the days to come, I will try to at least soothe her heart for what it's worth. You don't think it makes a difference if you're here or not my heart, how can you say this? It's the most beautiful to have you here, I wish you were always here. I am always worried about you, but even more when you're not here. I know. This needs to stop, but I cannot stop her from worrying. Worrying about everyone but herself. And yet she's smiling. Always. I guess I took her smile on to me and hopefully some of her kindness.

Coming back from the the walk with my friend having the exact same topic I kept my mind on the last days about our priority in life, number one me born out of a trauma, lacking the love we deserve vs. selflessness because we have enough love for ourselves so we can share it without getting harmed, I return happily. The first thing I’m spotting a large ice cream truck unloading our personal ice cream freezer filled with…yes the entire variety of the largest ice cream brand in Europe. It’s like a child dream coming true. All the ice creams I ever want to eat in front of my bed, at any time. While I’m still finding orientation my Buddhist traveler friend points me to come introducing me to a likeminded friend asking me to tell some of Dona’s story. While I get myself a glass of wine to join I keep talking to him for the rest of the night about our experiences. He asks me if I have learned something with psychology, pointing that he can see I have deeper knowledge about things. I live for people I say. For human connection, it’s all I breathe. There is the same topic. When I see how I can change a person’s life, help, support, make someone happy, it means the world to me. He smiles. He knows. The Buddhist mindset. He declares. People think I’m crazy when I tell them that this is what I think life is all about. I tell him that there’s nothing that makes me happier than the connection to other human souls. I’m sure your dad must be proud of you. would be proud of you if you were my daughter just I am proud of my own. You may have different concepts but they’re just as good. I feel so touched, he gives me so much credit and appreciation, seeing behind, who I am, what makes me me. 

When I tell him about my favorite country and how it was magic from the first time I entered, describing the details of how the Georgians welcomed me as if I were their own, he looks at me knowingly again. Softly he says I’m very sure that happens to you everywhere you go. I can see that it’s on you, it’s your spirit, I’m sure wherever you are people make you their own, embracing you as you are. Here he is, the words that many have told me. Everyone who loves me tells me but I forgot as I’ve surrounded myself with people who were too busy to look at themselves than to even recognize me in my presence. I’m being seen here. By her, by more. And I’m being regarded for who I am, rewarded with an freezer filled with my favorite ice creams from the shop. A happy child. Somehow I feel like she literally bought it for me. The smile in her face so happy when I see I her. It cannot be for her.