Tibetan FlagShip

 It was supposed to be a short trip to a nearby temple with a view over the valley. Inhaling my last days, introspect, retrospect. Process the last week, specifically the last days. Connecting with myself, letting everything sink in, letting it go, becoming one with the mountains and the forest before leaving this place that I hold so close to my heart.

First thing getting out of the house like the day before, I walk into A's mom sitting in the sun as so many mornings before. She invites me in, telling me she's just built a new temple, a new healing space I needed to see. Well... How could I refuse. Slowly following her into the tunnels of their sacred place I wonder what he might think once he sees my face right after waking up having his Chai. As if after the last days I've been chasing him, running into him everywhere. Yet this is not my concern. 

Waking up in the morning I find a confidence in my heart that I haven't felt before. I realize that my feelings are valid. That only because I understand his reasons, does not mean the feelings his actions created are less reasonable. Finally I get to step back and acknowledge my heart and don't put it back into inferiority solely because I have the gift of finding empathy for everyone else's stories and perspectives. I put my crown back on my head. 

It wasn't a nice thing how he's sent me away and even transported a feeling towards me like I had something to do with it. This feeling of being dismissed for no reason and having to hear that "something in the energy doesn't match" after I wouldn't act according to his wishes still feels like a knife in my heart after having had all these intimate conversations about love and pain. No I have no understanding for his move in that situation, inviting you over and then throwing you out no matter if he’s apologized. That’s a jerk move my oldest is reflecting back to me. Still this silent nagging that someone didn’t fully accept or had even considered my feelings is becoming more present. Having teamed up and then being kicked out without a warning, not in empathy with a valid explanation and caring about the other one but within no context after becoming extremely vulnerable. A split. A split that comes crashing in like a wave taking you totally off guard. I let him get away with the bare minimum, an apology that feels more like an explanation for what concerns him than finding the courage to acknowledge my truth. The truth of having hurt someone in a very disrespectful way, not really showing an effort and the necessary empathy to find common ground by stepping over to my side, sitting down with me and figuring out what I would need to feel ok about this situation. This shows that still I put more healing energy, trying to hold space for both than someone does for me. I can forgive. Like I always do. But it hurts.

Two days after this very unnecessary incidence that only brought sadness to my heart and I am standing in front of him once again, in his kitchen while he's having his Chai. The last week that we've seen each other every day coming back to me like a short film. A summary of what has been. The pictures, conversations, feelings of our time together coming back to me, moving in front of my inner eye of wisdom. This inherent feeling of never really getting through to him on an emotional level, as if he was holding something back, something that's lying deep inside his soul that he wouldn't let anybody touch. Also not me. The untouchable. Displaying an open social behavior everywhere he goes I still cannot deny the feeling that it never feels like he's fully there. Like he's holding something inside, hiding it. Like he doesn't want anyone to truly reach him in his vulnerability. Like a block that he's built so he can enjoy the superficial connection with the people around him as long as it's there without getting hurt when no one is there. When no one really ever is there.

I've seen it some times before and maybe all my notions are wrong, yet in these few moments when he says things to me that build sincere connection, finding similarities in who we truly are inside, how we see the world, verbalizing it in astonishment, it confuses me as I don't seem to be able to connect it to the rest of his equanimous  behavior. On a rational level from the outside a perfectly well behaved human being but so hard to grasp as if he wanted to make his true substance invisible to not get hurt. In these rare moments where he is sharing his connection with me, I feel I get a tiny glimpse into his soul, his heart that he's hiding away so well and it feels like loneliness.

I move out of the house, not able to shake off the feeling that he would rather not have seen me there. Walking into the sunset spot where he first took me some days before the colorful Tibetan flags will start guiding me through the day farther away than I would have expected. Pausing for a few moments, this place is moving my heart, tears slowly rising up my eyes as the sun is shining through the pine trees, the flags waving in the wind. Leaving this place will not be an easy task to do for me, yet at some point this will be necessary and I guess he fired the signal.

Moving on into the same direction like the cold water some days ago I reach the top, walking down the path that I assume will lead to snake temple. It doesn't. The Universe is generous with me today. I start walking down the path which is winding around the mountain, the flora becoming thick and green like a jungle, the rocks picture perfect like little puzzle piece fitting into the surrounding of the mountains. Every now and then more flags moving in the wind. The more I walk down the path the more I get the feeling that this was not the way I was attempting to find. No. It was more. It was better. So beautiful that I didn't want to leave it before reaching another town. 

Looking down from the top I try to consider if it was safer to go back the same way, if I could try finding another path. Opening the map the Tibetan Flag Temple catches my eye. Why not instead visit another holy place it is going through my mind. But then I dismiss the thought rather focusing on finding a path back. Moving across the little trails into the forest again, looking down at the lake I enjoy the sun in my face, asking the Universe for guidance.

Nothing less it does. After only a few minutes I see more colorful flags appearing in front of me. Slowly I start walking towards them when with each step it seems a sea of endless flags is opening up. An open space full of Tibetan flags flowing in the wind seemingly ending nowhere. Here in the middle of the forest. Alone I feel like I've just discovered the most holy place of all. Like a girl in a palace I move around laughing like I have just discovered the biggest treasure in the Universe. Carefully soaking in the atmosphere I move through the flags, touching them, dancing with them. Until I grab my belongings and the Universe right there and then opens up the trail I need to return to where I came from. 

The air is starting to become really fresh, clouds moving, I stuff a cookie into my mouth. This path has gotten me hungry. Just in that moment my mom's calling. She's asking me about the the mountains, the weather. Don't leave that place before you've brought some snow she says to me in full empathy of the unusual dryness of the season. I try my best. Two days left. I make my way down increasing my pace as the air is becoming much colder. I take a little turn to at least get a short glimpse of the snake temple after all. I thank the Universe for sending me a different direction, showing me a place that amazed all my soul, touching it so deeply that I won't forget this experience at the end of my time in this magical place. The Tibetan Flagship Mountains.