Rollercoaster Arrival

Sitting at 6am in bed singing the Gayatri mantra. It’s day one. The great father representing self-mastery through self-discipline. My tarot card for the month. I can’t believe it. They would be exactly His words. My Master‘s. My Master who sang exactly this Mantra last evening at the end of his class. That one I know by heart and yet there it could not resolve my decision making. It could not soothe me. Too deep was I in my confusion. Too irritated by the last days. A rollercoaster ride of emotions when the program hasn't even started. A rollercoaster is what he says an hour later. An hour after I walk away from him, from his class, turning my back on him. Have I the courage to change today? You are not alone in all this. You are not alone I promise. Standing together we can do anything. My favorite Mantra singer.

My overwhelming confusion not finding an end even after his teachings. Not even in my favorite Mantra. My discomfort is growing even bigger with each minute that I am not sure where I am going, what I am turning to. Where is my orientation? I wanted to speak to him is what I told her the day before she left, knowing that it is not his responsibility or my salvation. Yet the feeling remains that my decision is bound to his words and actions and how I feel about them. And it is. As I have to make the decision of staying or leaving I can't stand the pressure in my chest and turn around, turn my back on him standing in the door looking at his face. I run. I feel shame and disappointment in myself. I feel lost and in contrary to all the last weeks - discontent. Fragile. As if this decision was to change my life and as if I made the wrong choice now it would be destroying my life. The stress in my chest is unbearable. 

Getting back to my apartment tears start splashing out of my eyes again. Not for the last time. I start looking for orientation on my phone. Anything. Help. Someone. Someone making it easier for me. Making the decision for me with good argumentation, I cannot find calmness even in my twin sister's words. Everyone is giving me their advice and perspective but all I feel is pressure. I know I need to speak to him. I send him a voice, saying exactly that. Help. I am confused. Tell me what to do. Only minutes later while I am already on the phone with my mom having similar stories to tell of the Eclipse like my sister had only told me minutes before on the phone; He calls. He calls, saying all the things I wanted to hear. Everything I had felt in my heart. My tensions dissolved, taking the pressure and feeling of guilt and shame from me with only a few words. Back to the eclipse. To us, connecting our conversation, my words from some days before with our being humans, even as teachers, making us equal, coming with understanding and compassion, ensuring me that whatever I decide is right for me. Making it light. All the burden dropped. My heart starting to breathe again under the night sky. Excitement filling my body. He is talking to me. Me as a person. Addressing my concerns, my personal struggle as a human being. Inviting me into the initiation ceremony the next morning, moving me into an early deep sleep until the morning hours long before the sun rises behind the mountain.

I go for a swim even though it's early and cool outside. Waking up at 5am like a yogi has its perks. I see the card for April. Self-mastery through self-discipline. The Great Father. His words exactly. It's almost creepy how accurate. Just like His words from Himself the night before. Every single thought and wish from my mind being answered directly as if the Universe functioned as translation medium, transporting my words directly to him. Only when the reality of it all starts, offering our intentions to the fire, I join the entirety of the fire ceremony. Going into the introduction circle I can still not connect properly to the people around me, to the spirits, to the excitement. I feel tense. Tense and stressed although I don't let it show. Trying to get into the vibe and maybe I even am. Tears are rolling out of my eyes again. Maybe this is my time to be here. Maybe I couldn't read the signs. And maybe it's just not as the tightness in my chest threatens to suffocate me.

Maybe maybe maybe. There are so many maybes in my heart and on my mind. Isn't this the place where I've always wanted to be? No one has an answer for me. All I know is it feels like there is a dark cloud around me. A cloud that is blocking my view, disrupting my connectedness. Have the last weeks here been heaven on earth how come this program that was meant to be the cherry on top has become a nightmare decision for me? Have I come so far in my journey. Implemented, integrated all my knowledge from the last years, living my own yogic lifestyle. Not to perfection and yet that also was never my goal. The middle way was it. And it is. I find you being too hard on yourself. She says. I know no one who has worked so hard on herself like you did. No one who has gone so deeply into spirituality and actually I am happy you've become a bit more relaxed about it again. I think there are people who use these kind of programs for themselves to find orientation, to find salvation from something or integrate a new lifestyle into their lives. Give their life a new direction. You have already done that. This is where you already are. Most of the things they will be teaching is not new to you and you already live a life full of healthy routines and happiness. You come from discipline and self mastery and have finally allowed yourself to let go and be kind to yourself. What's the starting point for some people may have been a road mark for me and myself of where I am standing, how far I've come, where I've reached already.

She's rekindling the thoughts from my last days. Have I not already come to that place of deep joy and fulfillment throughout the last months which have given me exactly that contentment. This feeling of having arrived in a state of mind that I've always wanted to be in. The here and now where everything is always as it is. In a place where I am exactly where I need to be. Where the Universe is full of opportunity... apparently this one wasn't for me. Not now and maybe never. Letting go of the shame, the regret, the fear of losing something, missing something and bring back the trust in myself because at the end of the day there is nothing I could do wrong just exactly how Master Ji said. Soothing. In the end it doesn't matter why I cannot do it but only that I cannot. I am exactly where I need to be. The feeling of making my own decisions on where and when to be, my freedom conquers all the feeling of discipline. I've been disciplined enough with myself over the last years.

I wanna dance, I wanna sing, I wanna write, go to breakfast in meet Master Ji. I wanna laugh and meet people, have conversations, meet my friend who will come in the next days. I wanna see the sun slowly coming up behind the mountain,  I wanna go to the pool in the morning, be greeted by the owner, offering me chai, inviting me to come in the evenings. Enjoy for myself. By myself. I want peace and happiness. In my heart and mind. And that's what I've found here over the last weeks and months. May you find whatever you are looking for. Gratitude for your being. He writes. That may have been the Key all along.

Whatever I was looking for. I have found. Already. That was the here and now. The happiness in this place all these weeks. It's 24 hours later. Another day has passed and slowly the clouds are lifting, clarity rising back into my mind, happiness growing in my heart. After a long missed Ashtanga class with her favorite teacher, a familiar face shows, asking me how I was doing. They can see and feel the distress, my heartfelt pain of separation, have they loved her also. A wave of sincere compassion from the outside is coming rolling over me. Standing all in the door, I know her class is starting. Her eyes full of understanding she offers me to talk having coffee the next day. She is living up to her word even though I do not know her, sending me a message to meet. A little smile crosses my face, recognizing, remembering how much kindness the people around here hold in their heart. 

And with this start into the day the kindness keeps moving throughout the day. Going to my favorite breakfast place, I already see the knot on his head appearing when I take the last steps. With him - a familiar face. A student from the transformation program wearing the exact same look on his head. I ask if I can sit. His response not particularly inviting as they are having a "meeting" I still sat myself on the side. I want to get a glimpse, a notion of the energy, of what they are talking about. How the teacher and the student communicate, interact, want to see their attitude, what it is about and how I feel. Lucky me today, I do get exactly that. Excellent A student is giving me answers as well as his teacher in a perfect German manner making lists. Organizing his answers to integrate into his lifestyle becoming yogic. His teacher who is not mine anymore also transporting exactly that towards me today. His somehow detached, uninvolved (towards me) attitude and the disciplined teacher attitude towards A student, giving me a classroom vibe, I would not be missing. The perfect performance of what I imagined I could have expected.

I like the attitude of the participant, he seems a real, open, curious hearted person, easy to talk to as M must have noticed as well since his student seems to enjoy talking to me as well as I can also provide him answers to his questions while M is quietly eating his standard breakfast celebrating his yogic lifestyle. Instead of the soothing hug I would have liked to receive, I got something better. A little piece of reassurance that I've made the right decision. These kinds of teachers and students I knew all too well from many classes throughout my life. The structure, the dynamics. I didn't need it. And the best part at the end, the empathy and frank sympathy from my conversation partner about my situation when I shortly try to find words to explain why I wasn't attending the course. The offer is the same as from my British friend in the morning. To meet again to talk it out. I'm touched. Kindness wrapped around me from all sides and it shouldn't stop here. Minutes later when I walk down to go to the pool I walk into KK. Third time. Always I meet her when I am in exactly this state of mind, trying to solve the situation of the student teacher program. She's seen me both times a few days ago, after he stood me up and before I had the actual talk with him. And. She knows him. The look she was giving me. She is asking again how it went. I tell her the very short version. Her opinion about him hasn't changed and she is glad I am not attending and that I moved him down in our talk to find common ground. My little mouse, I am so happy you made that decision and finally dissolved it. No strangers in this place. Only lovers.

With each encounter today, with each word shared I feel back to my confidence, the magic slowly returning. Walking up the mountain I run into the boys. N is back from taking her to the airport. I get the hug and empathy I needed from him. We chat for a minute, he calls me a mermaid and so I go to my private pool which today is an Indian party pool. Trying to move through the escalating Indian boys, splashing water all around, doing two swimming competitions against two of the boys, winning both, I get out after 15 minutes as it's too much madness for me. At least I got my refreshment in the far over 30 degrees summer temperature. The little baby boy throwing me a kiss when I leave. My sister still with me each step reminding me of the beauty of this place. Our place. Making it mine again. Step by step. Breath by breath.

 

Stopping by my apartment, repacking I decide to get a few things and to drop off the books I finished reading. Putting them into the shelf at the café one particular book is catching my eye. Psychology of Yoga. Yogic lifestyle. I don't believe my eyes. I've been wanting to create my own psychology yoga practice for some time, these ideas having come to my mind for some years now. I take the book that I've seen a few times before with me. This time it feels like the strongest sign I've received in the last week. Giving me exactly the direction I needed, putting the puzzle pieces that were scattered all over the place back together. The excitement arising naturally, washing over me in such a strong manner when I read the content like it's a calling. Self-mastery through self-discipline. I finally understand. Here was the answer. I had overlooked the SELF in my card. Self study. So clear right now, jumping at me. In all the exact words that I've heard before. Heard from him. About the program. Everything I wanted to learn yet I wanted also time for mySELF and here it was. Handed to me so simple, yet so powerful. Raj Yog, the Koshas, The Chakra System, The Gunas, The Mind and Personality, the benefits of a Yogic lifestyle [...] You name it. In one book. Here it was. What I was looking for. Self-study at my own conditions.

Like a dream come true, I go back home swinging so excited to start studying. Now I also know why I had bought the notebooks although I didn't feel like I wanted them at the time. The one with different colored paper. Once back home, I directly open the book, color my notebook and dive into taking notes. I decide to make a Sanskrit-English dictionary, going through my old notebook looking for sticky marks, opening a page but instead of finding sticky notes I find... I don't believe my eyes. The exact same thing. A Sanskrit-English dictionary carrying the headline Psycho-Yoga, starting to point out the benefits of different yoga asanas. My notes from a year ago. I remember the day well when I started writing it and here I sit today where it is coming back to me in that exact moment when I take the same notes like a sign from God herself. Yet it was me. Reconnecting me to my higher Self. Now I become A student for myself again and also my own teacher until... my bestest from back home is calling to check up on me see how I am doing after our 3 hour phone call the day before. And here my rollercoaster ride seems to slowly come to an end. Settling me in the warmth and understanding of my fellow human beings who know nothing but to support me with their kindness and love. Arrival.