The Hidden Heart of a Yogi
A month has passed. And with it endless encounters, meeting old and new friends, forming relationships, getting to know people closer and with it letting some of them go also. One month of learnings, insights and interconnections that showed me where I stand, who I want to be, my values, my priorities and qualities. A month so packed with personal growth, time to myself and deep connections at the same time. A period of blossom like spring itself. Life presenting itself in all the most beautiful colors, peaking in its season's festival, the holy Holi engaging the greatest fun and greatest exhaustion at the same time.
It's a week later, tears streaming down my face. She is gone and everything feels like a life time. One week ago we were walking through masses of people touching our faces with their bare hands coloring us until all of our skin was covered in rainbow and now She is gone just like this after three and a half months and our time together is slowly moving into the background. The last days have become emotional. My nerves thrashing, my chest tight from holding back tears my temperature rising up into what feels like 100 degrees. Like someone putting me into a sauna of emotions.
It's the end of the week and her birthday. I realize I need to talk to hiM before I start the life transforming program. There are some things in the air I need to clear up before I go into this. More thoughts are rising, considering what it could mean for me and my plans if I don't find satisfactory response in his actions. It could change everything that I had been waiting for for six weeks. Everything I was hoping for over the last years. For my life to change, to transform. Again a program that should teach me, guide me, inspire me to live the life I want to live. A life that... have I not been experiencing exactly this yogic lifestyle all along for my time being here? Waking up at 6am for almost two months now? Practicing yoga, going swimming, learning, growing, engaging in the community, having therapeutic talks, getting to know my teacher, living the happiest life for all this time? I wasn't missing anything. Living my dream. In the mirror of everyone around me finding myself deeply content and fulfilled.
Having one of the most beautiful people by my side. Always. Loyal, connected, open hearted, funny, empathic, kind, smart, ready for anything facing us. Unfolding with me like a beautiful butterfly we grow together every day and I feel nothing but bliss and gratitude. Nothing I could possibly miss. No questions that arise that need to be answered. No analyses necessary to explain or solve anything. Pure contentment with myself and the world around me, yet no feeling of superiority towards others. My openness remains. I learn. And I learn every day. Maybe my self studies are not to be found in any books or scriptures of the old yogis but in living life itself. Experiencing it through me. With others. Siddhartha. This was the message. I could completely identify with. Have I studied half my life books, scripts, media of philosophy, linguistics, psychology and spirituality expanding my intellectual knowledge, practicing it in my daily life.
Opening my heart, my eyes and ears for what is. Curiously like a child. Eager like a highly motivated student, contently knowing who I already am, grounded enough to know that there is more that I don't know. More than I will ever know. Always. Ready for whatever will cross my path. Ready for whatever the Universe will offer me or turn down on me. Only one direction I follow. Being true to myself. Facing situations even if they may hurt me. Even if they may change everything I was looking forward to, dreaming of. Even if that meant stripping myself naked, unmask a part I would have also rather left in the dark for the sake of my teachings. I cannot. I needed to uncover. Needed to find justice, clarity and resolution before stepping into an unknown field with guides turning out to be different from what I expect them to be. Humble, open, reflected in their own processes. Open for criticism, connected to themselves, to every option life offers us to learn. To be a disciple themselves.
And so I go to meet him after he has in the first place stood me up without a word of apology in the morning. Take two. I've made my standing point clear. I felt content and confident where I was at. Yet the whole situation baffles me emotionally in so many ways. Irritation he had caused me without having any idea. The lack of communication and understanding for what he may cause on the other side building up to a mix of agony, frustration and astonishment. And still he is only human and I wished nothing more than for him to see that himself instead of throwing around discipline and excellence which he uses as a shield of protection. And yet in the attempt to become untouchable the exact opposite happens as his tools are the ones in particular making him weak as he denies the parts that make him one of us. Still giving his Best.
Seeing myself confronted with him, on the same table feeling grounded and clear, knowing where I am standing, I am calm and collected, still a nervous wrack. Heatwaves flushing through my body making the already hot temperature feel like I am sitting in a boiling steam room. While the first part is a struggle of bringing him down to me, to the ground, to mother earth, pachamama, to connect on a level of understanding where we can meet each other and step over to the other side -the side of empathy, compassion, vulnerability; the center, the middle where we can hold each others hand and be real. Be us. Be human- the following part starts off in a completely different energetic field.
And so we sit, reaching the middle, connecting our hands also in the center while my body temperature is rising, apparently knowing no limits. Waves of energy are moving through me. Energies I can't clearly identify. A mixture of openness, relief, intimacy and connection, yet I feel tension. Fragility, yet strong like a rock. All I am. And maybe a tiny little glimpse of what he is when a few tears are rolling down his cheeks. I move over to his side, now also physically to hug him. Two people exchanging their hearts and perspectives, coming from different sides, reuniting in the middle. It's beautiful, yet intimidating, leaving me astonished. Wondering. Wondering. Wondering.
Has there been so much irritation all these days about so many different aspects I could never express properly, I may leave this meeting no less confused than I've entered it, and still feel relief. Something has shifted and I have three days of time to find out where to it has shifted me. Changing my perspective anew. Again and again. According to the wonders of the universe, of life itself, adapting. Shape shifter my profile said. Like a chameleon changing colors I adapt to what life is throwing at me. The way I see things, observing instead of judging. I feel overwhelmed. Happy, grateful and full. Full of life and love while these three days are marked by change.
My twin soul, my sister in impossible India leaving. Leaving after three and a half months where we have grown together so strongly, bonded through all the highs and the lows it would be impossible to summarize it in any way. How we learned to love and protect each other. To listen to one another and accept each other for all we are for who we truly are on the inside. In every way, yet still mirroring each other when we felt discomfort in any situation to clear it all up immediately to return and hold each other. In tears and in laughter. Until the moment she is leaving. We are standing at the bridge holding each other for the last minutes remaining. Tears flowing out of our eyes until she enters the car. The car that will take her away while she is watching me walk away over the bridge. My crying only interrupted by the distractions of a daily life. Of living. My tears returning going to bed, waking up in the early morning. She is gone, yet she is here with me.
She is there with me this morning when I walk up to the pool for the third times as the same scenario as the last times is unfolding for me. Indian Style Good Morning. Walking in both people who would accompany her good bye, sending me a piece of her while I send her a piece of them. Reaching the pool, the owner himself how I can puzzle the piece together by now, is welcoming me asking me if I wanted chai. I smile. Here the world is still good. Indian good morning welcome. I smile and nod. He is taking pictures for the property and of me in the pool. Today is fresh. I don't manage longer than 25 minutes before the shiver is becoming too strong and I leave the pool to warm up in the morning sun. Asking Guru to show me his property, the glamping tents, he has me served another Chai and I find a new peace place and still a little piece is missing...
The pain of separation not new to me, I have felt this before. More times than I could ever count. Only it's been a long time ago. Only this time is different. This time I had someone going into this life with me, by my side for everything. For all of it. For all that life was shooting at us. She wouldn't leave. She would stay. She would hold my hand, even when we were in conflict. She would listen even if I talked about one and the same thing for hours and days. She would offer her open ear over and over again. Her shoulder to lean on. She was not only someone leaving. Not only some friend but the partner I never had before. The person to be by my side and show me that she wanted to be with me at all times. The more time passed, the closer we got. The more our love and friendship grew. The more we grew together. The more we became synchronized to a point where we make the same comments, can read each others minds. This unique experience of having someone next to me always, no matter what. Having to let that go, mixing together with the possibility of also having to let go of my dream of having found my teacher. A guide for myself. Have I maybe been that to myself all along.
Maybe it's gone too far. Was I the one who has decided to walk down that road when I got here and I would do it the same all over again. Pursuing my path. With him. Involved in his doings I got my share of us for this month. On different levels that have offered me different perspectives, new understandings and growth. And in the end have slowly and at the same time unexpectedly rapidly withdrawn me from that life changing program. From this experience I was looking forward to so much. Thinking this was my tool to transform my life.
The tears won't stop running down my face. Tears of confusion, gratitude and opportunity. Tears of happiness of where I am, who I have become. How I live my life. Has this maybe been the purpose all along like all the times before. Finding my focus on the way to the here and now, showing me that I already am where I need to be. That I already have the tools in my life and in my heart to transform my life accordingly. Into the life of a yogi. A yogi with an open heart. That's what he says. And it is what I say and who I want to be.
Comments
Post a Comment