INDIAN MADNESS - A Personal Story
The
Spectrum of (Indian) Madness
Introduction
This is nothing personal. One of the sentences I have come to recognize as a red flag for myself as for me this has become very personal. This exact sentence representing the key factor concerning the topic of my writing. Disconnection. Separation. Alienation. Detachment. The whole reason I found myself in urgent need to write about what had become my personal tragedy. This is nothing personal. A sentence I would hear repeatedly from different people, presenting similar behaviors towards me, by far causing me the most hurt coming from the person that mattered the most to me at the time when I was confronted with the topic in a way that I couldn't ignore it anymore.
Alongside came also other phrases like have no expectations or this is the right thing to do, all representing the same disconnection in people making things impersonal, creating distance to a certain situation, inside one individual, or between two individuals. These words creating a disconnect in the attempt to avoid a particular emotion and protect oneself from the most important thing in human interaction. Connection. A warning sign. A sign that there is a severe detachment from our emotions involved, that will most likely lead to disruption in relationships and can furthermore cause a wide spectrum of extremely hurtful emotions. From my experience these sentences simply imply I am not connected to myself and that's the reason why I can also not connect to you. This is why it is NOT PERSONAL. And yet for me all of these experiences were personal. Most personal. My personal Indian stories of madness. Madness I was eager to understand as it had caused me too much pain and I have seen it happening to others too many times to ignore it. I needed to find the origin of all my inexplicable encounters in Indian relationships. The source of my personal madness.
I don't claim any truth for what I am about to write. I am only trying to tell my personal story and make sense of what has happened to me with the resources available to me. If anyone reading this will feel insulted, hurt or judged, I apologize. It is the last thing that is my intention. My only intention is to shed light on a topic that is extremely important to me in hope open up some new perspectives and maybe reach a few more souls who struggle with similar experiences on one side or the other. And maybe if we find the courage to open up about these sensitive topics, we learn to work together and share our stories to connect and support each other when we need support as in the end we are all one.
Indian Madness – An overwhelming world
It's been around a bit over a year after returning to India. India the country of the widest spectrum of contradictions. Either you love it or hate it they say. A statement that's becoming true for many visiting the country, considered a subcontinent for it is as large and various like only few places in this world. For its variety and endless spectrum of what could possibly exist in this world it proved to also bring out the most overwhelming emotions in people. Anything we may have never even felt before. Emotions like love, bliss, joy, peace versus hate, anger, aggression, irritation, shame, loneliness and hurt all at the same time. A country that pushes people's boundaries, brings them to their limits. I've seen it with my own eyes. Experienced it with my own hear. Heard endless stories from people all over the world. Anything that we thought could possibly exist or not exist on this planet will very well show up in India, marking our path of where we stand in life and how capable we are of handling it when we are confronted with it every day anew. With a world we understand nothing about. That it is impossible to make sense of.
It most certainly is a very complex undertaking to describe the nature of this country and I may most likely not even come close to succeeding in finding a way to reflect upon my perceptions and experiences with interpersonal relationships in India. Surely many others have tried and not even come close and still I will try as it is a very personal matter for me.
When people ask me to tell them about my experience in India, if I like it or not, I refuse to answer. I refuse to answer because the question is too simple and the answer too complex to answer of what an experience in India could possibly mean or what it means to me. It is too multilayered, too colorful, too far away from anything I've ever seen, felt or experienced anywhere else in the world. Indescribable for someone who has never set foot into the country. Nothing to compare it to. My journey through India was both times filled with all kinds of emotions. Filled with anything and everything a person could possibly feel. Comfortable and uncomfortable. Connected and disconnected. Happy and sad. Hurt, disappointed, angry, aggressive, lost, paralyzed, lonely, numb, crazy, betrayed, abused, degraded, overlooked, disrespected... The list is endless. At the same the list of beautiful feelings this country has created inside of me is also endless. The magic it has created around the the mystery of life through learning to deal with all these difficult feelings, is unique in itself.
Once you come with openness to learn, to grow, to get to know yourself, to open up to what is and embrace all the emotions triggered inside of you, all the situations being thrown at you, it is a wonderful opportunity to get to know your own values and morals, discover your boundaries and get closer to yourself. It is a place that offers you to learn to integrate all parts of the variety in characteristics we bring along as human beings reflected inside of each person individually. When we embrace the struggle of the unknown and move with the irritation we can find ways to integrate all the aspects of who we are even if they may have felt opposing and contradicting to us before. Especially when we thought we had to make decisions about our identity and choose between certain qualities. Being funny or serious, introvert or extrovert, loud or quiet, bubbly or calm, soft or tough, vulnerable or bolt, strong or sensitive. We may be able to see all of them inside of us once we understand that one doesn't exist without the and that at times we may find ourselves in different spaces and situations that will require a different side of us, automatically bringing out different facets of our colorful selves. The different aspects of our complex human personality. Only will we be able to use them for our best interest if we are willing to accept and integrate all of the parts and not live in denial of some of them because we do not like them. This is what this journey has taught me. This what I came to understand as a truth, that I had to learn the hard way. This is why this matter has become extremely important to me to encourage all of us to be brave enough to integrate all that we are. To be able to connect to each other.
Because when we start excluding parts of our personality for various reasons I will describe later on, disintegrate particular aspects of ourselves that don't find approval in our family or social background, we end up betraying ourselves, unable to live a happy and fulfilled life for all that we are. We are starting to split off parts of ourselves and become alienated, developing some sort of dissociation from ourselves. A split in personality. Disconnected and detached from ourselves.
The social interaction in interpersonal and intercultural relationships and its outcome will be my main focus here. I want to explore the background and root causes of all the toxic defense mechanisms that have caused me and others a lot of heartbreak in this confusing, challenging part of the world. Stories that have evolved again and again around manipulating, delusional, gaslighting and ghosting young men who seem to be lost in life, disconnected to themselves, alienated from themselves and are therefore evidently unable to build connections to other people. In the context of either kind of relationship romantic or other.
Throughout all of my journey I kept asking myself where this omnipresent disconnection in so many young men (I did not have enough interaction with women in this regard) in Northern India was coming from as I have been confronted with it countless times through my own experiences as well as through similar stories from other female travelers; to a point where I found the pattern reoccurring too frequently amongst people to ignore it. Repeatedly I found myself in double lives or lies and betrayal that I needed to find an explanation for this kind of lifestyle that I could not wrap my head around no matter from how many different angles I was trying to shine the light on it.
The number of such unfortunate stories like my own has appeared to be much higher in India than in other places I've visited around the world. Too many times I find myself caught up in yet another unbelievable story where someone manages to betray another person in an even more deceitful way than the one I heard before. It may be bias or selective perception and yet this phenomenon of being alienated from oneself, presenting disintegrated behavioral patterns seems to be spread widely in Indian society. I also don't want to exclude the fact that I've heard the same story in slightly different versions from different people over and over again which made my personal experience that I had considered something uniquely astonishing before, just another ordinary experience in this realm. All this time in India which turned out to be almost a year in total highly motivated me to get to the core of these unhealthy dynamics of human interaction that lead too many times to hurt and unnecessary suffering for people becoming involved and entangled with the respective people.
Cautiously and consciously observing my surroundings coming to India for the second time, encountering more of the same I slowly became convinced that my perception was not singularly evolving around my own hurt and only random fate. I became part of so many stories, I understood that the heartbreak I came to experience was no exception but more of a regularity. No matter how much I hoped my story was a singular phenomenon, it turns out it wasn't. For better or worse.
Yet I also start finding similarities in behavior of people from other places, only specific actions or expressions differ slightly depending on the nature of the person and their social and cultural background. I find apparent parallels in behavior in people from countries with similar identity issues and comparable cultural backgrounds in religion, society and education. This does not seem to be a mere coincidence but rather a factor to consider as a common denominator.
Nevertheless the density and intensity of unbalanced relationship experiences in India was outstandingly high, not only in regard to my own but also all the ones I heard from other women. All the same stories of Western women in connection with Indian men which had an almost identical story line. This is not to be regarded isolated as a cultural issue but is more clearly explicable through the psychology behind it which is why I wanted to dive deeper into the subject and its underlying reasons. A subject that's concerning the world of women in general, more specifically the world of female solo travelers in this regard. For all the reasons mentioned it has become such a personal matter to me that I want to explore in more detail and its total depths.
When I talk about India and my personal experiences in the country I want to make clear that this is not about a whole nation or the people or anything for that matter as I have not discovered most of the country and therefore its people. It is much more a personal reference regarding a specific topic I have found myself confronted with throughout all my time in the country. It is by no means meant to judge a whole (sub)continent or their people, let alone one of the biggest populations in the world. It is not my aim to stigmatize the largest nation in the world and around 18 % of the world population. All I am trying to do is tell my personal story that has shown itself not to be an individual case or exception but much rather a common experience throughout the traveler's community.
In India everything possible
Exploring India for almost a year in total has offered me various ways of understanding the world differently. Seeing the world with fresh eyes and helping me connect the dots concerning what life is about and how I see the world. As the processes we all go through in our lives are never ending each and every one of us can only try to reflect upon their own (and others) experiences and integrate them to learn more about themselves. Yet when we are unaware and instead of integration, separation is happening, we can observe in a culture like India where psychology is still mostly a far away foreign concept; the consequences don't only influence interpersonal relationships but are represented in all areas life. The outcome: people unconsciously hurt more people. Undissolved feelings unresolved emotions, confusion and irritation leading to separation. Separation on a fundamental level of human nature.
In India every day life is full of irritation due to misunderstandings in intercultural communication. Intercultural communication. Even amongst their own people (India's diversity consisting of countless peoples, over a hundred different languages and all world religions) it seems life is simply chaotic. Chaos management at its best. Every question earns the notorious head shake (nod) which is not a proper head shake as we know it from the West when we want to express rejection but more like a soft swing as if something is hanging lose. A move that means neither yes or no. It is what it is. Agreed. Or not. Leaving oneself in the same place where we started from. No agreement, no disagreement. No like, no dislike. No answer at all. Rarely getting a clear answer to our question or creating opposition between what they say versus what they do, often leading to feeling lost and in total confusion. Communication in India can be one of the biggest challenges of all for a Westerner. Questions will remain unanswered. Left to whatever you decide to do with your situation. Everything possible in India is what they say but also it is extremely hard to find people who clearly communicate with you when you need a definite answer to an issue or simply a sense of direction and orientation in this confusing realm.
What can already be observed in public life we can also find represented in many individual's minds and spirits. It seems to be THE representation of India. Opposition. Objection. Contradictions wherever you look. Nowhere in the world have I ever experienced so many contradictions, in a single person's identity, pretense and authenticity in one and the same person as if the personality was split in half and sometimes more parts. Oppositions becoming one and the same, in the state of non-integration turning into unpredictable parts of the same human being.
Yogis displaying their spiritual values, advertising the yogic lifestyle, being caught up in love triangles, smoking hash and betraying their neighbors. Self announced Gurus, spiritual teachers, Baba Jis going around cheating people, using their self announced status and image as a holy person to get to where they want. The Spiritual scene is blooming. People from all across the world come to India to find themselves and the "spiritual scene" has not failed to recognize that potential attracting more and more individuals, using it for their own personal gain. As a means to and end. Falsely advertised spiritual practices and healing methods, promising you to transform your life with the sole aim to gain your trust and get into your heart and wallet. It's become a dirty business. Whatever you didn't think was possible, it is sure to be found in India. You name it. Whatever one could imagine in forms of (self)cheating, (self)betrayal, (self)abuse or (self)manipulation you will find in every day relationships between friends and family or towards strangers.
Rarely have I seen a friendship between people that's build on stable ground. On values like trust, loyalty, responsibility, protection, care, honesty, reliability, openness, dedication, let alone commitment. It seems there are no rules written or unwritten, no definitions for what it means to be committed to someone, to love someone, to have someone's back, to be in a loyal dedicated relationship for that matter. No support for one another. It seems hardly you find a relationship that's bound to any moral values or based on a deeper understanding of not harming the person next to you. An unwritten agreement if you will about the values you share to be able to trust one another. It doesn't seem to exist in any shape or form. Rather it just is what it is. No expectations.
Life is change. Anything can change at any moment. Everything possible in India. Lived to an extreme. As if at any given moment in time whatever has been the previous situation, it can be all erased and vanish in the blink of an eye, independent on what was said or done before. No matter which promises were made, which intimacies exchanged, you can never be fully sure if the person who one day praised you, promised you the world and a life together, may not be the one to wake up the next morning and walk away from you without a word as if they have never known you. No announcement, no previous warning. It seems there is no fixed set of indicators or implications, some sort of common sense or common ground on what it means to share a bond or even just have any form of respectful, responsible human interaction that would create a reliable, trustworthy connection. A reliable bond between two feeling human beings. A safe space. It is simply not possible as conditions seem to be exchangeable at any given moment and you would never know when this mindset is about to kick in and the idea of the relationship changes. Shift of opinion. No strings attached seems to be a life slogan of the society. Live in the moment. No yesterday, no tomorrow matters. A flexibility that may be needed in other areas of daily life to survive in the largest nation of the world if you don't want to go down and yet is when practiced to an extreme the a vast source of disloyalty and irresponsibility creating a high energy of disconnection.
When it comes to personal relationships where do we end up being when we have no stability, no guarantee that our partner will not out of nowhere just snap, flip, change their mind and leave us behind? It is bewildering to think that you can never fully rely on each other. That the person you are with may just as well change their mind at any given moment and disappear. Ghosting or gaslighting you into thinking that you are the one and have vanished the next day. These topics becoming also more popular on social media, getting more accessible for the general public we can see that it seems to be a global problem, becoming predominantly and tragically visible in India where education has a different standard and the culture carries more obsolete values than the Western hemisphere. Determined to find answers to the questions burning inside of me and so I returned to India.
What I came to find when I returned the second time, was more unexpected insights and realizations about the people I encountered in my first travels than I was wishing for. Especially after coming back to a place I would like to call one of my homes; the past and the present seemed to suddenly connect in ways I didn't see coming. The two different 'love' stories from two years before becoming rekindled and entangled with one another in unforeseen ways. New information about the people involved where brought to me and once again left me in astonishment. Both of them dormant for the past year I did not come with any intention of finding new understandings about them. I saw them as closed chapters. I had grown out of them, forgiven and forgotten about all my heartbreak and disappointment, illusions, hopes and dreams. Yet revisiting the tiny village of Pulga had come along with new revelations and old familiar personal interactions bringing back what once was.
This is my story
After returning to the beautiful mountains of Parvati Valley, the first days unexpected information about the two people I was involved with almost the first time I came are brought to my attention; finding their intersection and common ground in the very reason I had walked away from them. It's what I started calling the Indian madness. Indian madness because I could never put my finger on it, could not understand where this uncommitted, no strings attached behavior stems from. This two sidedness, double faced standards causing shifts in behavior that are so extreme, it makes people appear schizophrenic. Double (standard) lives wherever you look.
Memories of two separate love stories from two months of living in the village, coming back to me and alongside with it newly discovered truths. The first one taking place in the beautiful fairy forest with one of the "yogis" one of the kindest people I met. Calm, quiet, peaceful, fair, generous and always caring for everyone around him first. A true yogi - is what I thought (knowing his true character today I wouldn't use this term anymore). Everyone was in love with him. My two European girlfriends loved him for his heart and his kindness that you could see shining through his eyes. When I met him I thought he was genuine and caring, giving off a sincere energy, I felt like he saw me and considered me and so we became more close. The weeks that I spent in the forest with the yogis, I spent closest to him. Whatever name you want to give the relationship, it was one that exceeded the definition of a friendship. You could call it a fling, a romance or a love story. Whatever it was, we had formed a relationship that was beyond chitchat and holding hands. We shared physical intimacy, conversations and love for one another on some level. Spending more than a month living together in the forest.
When I was leaving I even found him sitting in front of me, shedding tears for me. He didn't want me to go or at least he would have loved to see me back. From his side I (thought) I knew this was a big gesture of his affection towards me. Even though I wasn't in love with him, I trusted him. We grew with each other and shared and exchanged intimate feelings and thoughts. Learned from one another. Even knowing that A (my second love story) had already taken me over, he cared enough to take the last steps with me before leaving, holding my hand, displaying that he had a hard time to let me go. This is the first of the two stories I chose to tell out of the many.
STORY I
One and a half years later. I am finding myself standing under the same apple trees, reminiscing, washing my clothes in the freezing water like back then when Jay (love story one) used to do it for me. Remembering our time together I ask V (one of the other yogis who belongs to the place) if Jay was planning to come back to our place any time soon. Casually V explains to me that he doesn't think so as Jay was with his wife, about to have his second child. He's telling me that he's been married for around ten years as if this has been common knowledge for everyone to begin with.
I take in the information, nod and smile. Even though I cannot make any sense of what I'm hearing at the moment, his answers don't even irritate me. They don't evoke any sort of emotion at all inside of me except for curiosity. I only absorb the information and put them into my brain storage. I just wonder if he understood the name right because I cannot process the information I received making logical sense of them. The fact that the kindest, most sincere and caring guy I was with two years before would turn out to be such a fraud, doesn't get through to me. Not that it touches me in any way. I've had it all. It doesn't even seem so much unbelievable for me at this point. What I still do not understand is in which casualty it is being presented to me. Again as if even in friendships this was a normality. He was with us back then. Everybody knew. It was no secret that I was with him and most likely also clear that he must have been lying to me. Apparently there are no rules, no boundaries, no agreements as mentioned before for any kind of relationship. Not for a romantic one, not for a friendship. Neither did V try to hide anything to protect his friend nor to save me any irritation or pain. It was the most casual conversation. He didn't even do so much as twitching his eye. It was as if nothing had happened. As if he wasn't there back then and this was no new information but one I should have had all along or... Just a very fundamental difference in values of cultures.
Having gotten married, have children, complying with what the culture, his family and parents may have expected of him to not disappoint them; Jay comes to experience a different lifestyle living in the fairy forest, getting a glimpse of the freedom of a „Western lifestyle“, meeting young, attractive, foreign women with an open mind, traveling the world to learn. Learn from "yogis" like him. Training them as a „yogi“, getting to know them personally, gaining their trust, understanding what other opportunities are „out there“ that he could live. The worldly temptations, tearing him between worlds like so many others. The pressure from society, culture, religion or family in the background, trying to fulfill the expectations of being a „good person“ and yet feeling drawn into a completely different direction. Telling different stories, ending up entangled in a net of lies, betrayal, cheating and hurting everyone involved he becomes someone that maybe he wasn't even aware of. Still even at this point, totally ignorant about it. No sense of responsibility or wrongdoing can be developed as it apparently remains a blind spot for him. Completely in the dark of his own actions and the consequences for others and himself.
The third Yogi in a bundle was yet to bring some light into the story, sharing the current situation about Jay with me a few days later when we start chatting about relationships. He's more reflected about it and gives me more detail. He tells me that Jay had been doing this all along with different women throughout his time in the yoga space. That it even came to a point where his wife was coming for his birthday and he was more or less hiding her away for these days to later on get back with the girl he was with at this time. He told me also that they've had many conversations with him, like interventions to reflect to him that this sort of behavior was inappropriate, especially in the context of being a yoga teacher for foreigners. Yet it seems he just didn't learn his lesson as he couldn't keep his fingers off foreign women. As a consequence they decided like rumor had it, already spreading across India, to kick him out of the community. His last secret love story -a girl from Israel that I remember well as her story connected with my upcoming one- must have spread the word when in disappointment and shock she found out that he was married. Hearing this part now from A (my second story) is truly leaving me astonished. Do I remember so well how Jay played the heartbroken part who was left by her because she chose to start something new with one of his friends. I had compassion with him, empathy, I felt bad for him, thinking this woman would have left poor, kind Jay for no reason when in reality he was the cheater and she was the one to find out. In the end all of them "yogis" are in commitments, hiding them away. This little detail connecting my stories as this information was brought to me by the one who broke me the most. The last one. A.
Unfortunately I've been through it all myself too many times, especially after A and I've heard the same story one too many times also from other traveling women who could not make sense of this sort of behavior. It seemed I had become immune to it. Numb. Even my friends who were with me back then and who have gotten to know Jay, lived with him by my side, could not believe the revelation when I tell them. They even seem to have a much stronger reaction of disappointment and shock to the outcome than I do. He even has the guts to send them flirty messages over social media until today which obviously he cannot dare doing with me anymore. It seems by now I have (luckily or sadly) become an observer from the distance due to an overdose of limitless disrespect and betrayal that knows no shame.
STORY II
After Jay and a few other Indian experiences, the one who would impact me the most, making me question everything I ever trusted, was yet to come. Directly following up. Without a break. Picking me up right from where I was about to leave. It was A. The soft one. The dreamer. The romantic. The writer. The poet. The one who connected to me. The one who made me believe in love again. A who seemed to have a very different way of communication. A who seemed to know exactly what to say and what to do. A smooth talker, communicator in general due to his education and great love for literature about history, philosophy and poetry, reading half his life. Pouring his heart into books and writing himself. Masterpieces. He comes along with a complex human mind, a big soft heart and apparently a deep sense of himself and his mind. He impresses me with his reflections about life and himself, openly addressing his childhood and the pains he had felt when he was young. I would feel his will and sincere wish to open to me, share his deepest inside and insights with me that he hadn't shared with anyone before or after me and most importantly getting to know me for who I was. Curiously and open heartedly asking me questions about myself and all I've been through, bringing the biggest empathy and promises of not hurting me as he saw deep inside my heart. He would tell me anything and everything I ever wanted to hear. Yet this was not the only reason I fell in love with him. Besides his complex personality and a great communication skills, he came with this special gift. This gift that I had forgotten all about in the last one and half years that came back to me fully alive when we met again. The talent of creating intimacy. Pretense or a beautiful gift, changing its nature according to how he's using it.
I had to learn the hard way that we knew nothing about each other when he first saw me and decided to pursue me to become his, following me to Nepal. It felt so good so right being with him who through words conveyed the world to me (although I was irritated in the beginning which was when I should have listened to my gut feeling telling me that something about this wasn't right. Yet I didn't). Everything I was ever looking for he would convey to me. Being blinded by this deep desire of wanting to be loved and cared for, having meaning for someone I overlooked all the similarities in our needs, our craving for being loved, creating a perfect illusion that was bound to evolve into a nightmare of terror and would scatter my heart because I was unable to see the bigger picture and put the pieces together. The contradictions and oppositions in his words and behavior, slowly tearing me apart inside, having me shed tears through many nights I felt far away from him, alienated as if I had never known him. Dramatic fights, throwing things escalating to a point that he fainted in front of my eyes, leaving me in irritation, confusion and an overwhelming pain to the point where it all ended.
With the mindset of being the one for him back then he understood all too well how to sell himself to me. Make me fall for him on all levels. Oblivious to the other layers of his personality, the hidden shadows that came along with his gifts, that would break me, make fall apart later on in the process. Making me this magical being, the princess, the fairy that I've always wanted to be. I felt like we were meant to be. This was how I was supposed to be treated and seen as a person. His gift of making me feel like the most valuable crystal in his collection. His talent of creating an intimacy that feels like pure surrender and unconditional dedication towards you when yet the opposite is the truth. Creating an intense feeling of being loved forever and cherished each moment when the reality is he would be the first one to run away, disappear without a word or goodbye within the blink of an eye. Many men have admired me and yet I have not felt such purity with many others. He managed to create a closeness and romance that would feel like a true Bollywood movie. The way he would look at me every morning when I woke up, as if I was the purest being on this planet, covering my eyes with his hands so that the sunlight wouldn't blind me, cupping them from the side, putting his face on mine like little children hiding under a blanket, whispering words of love into my ears. His face on mine totally natural playing around with intimate touch, he would look at me with poppy eyes. His eyes full of wonder how he deserved such a beautiful, wise, inspiring woman next to him, transporting the feeling to me that I was the most important thing in the world to him, piercing directly into my heart. As if he had never seen a more beautiful angel, anything sweeter than me, anything he could ever love more. As if I was of the highest value in his life. He didn't get tired of expressing how lucky he was, how he couldn't believe waking up next to me every morning was a reality. It was true romance. Not a cheesy one but one that felt like it should last forever. He would write for me, he would sing for me over the phone every morning, send me messages singing love songs, reading poetry. It felt more true than I could describe. Commitment and purity. This gift of his still also is my biggest riddle to solve when all these feelings of commitment and purity scatter within minutes into shock and hopelessness.
The overwhelming feeling that came with the cherishing of my person had me overlook an important factor; he did not know me as a person. It was an illusion. A red flag if to name it. He did not treat ME like this but a woman that he thought he had to say all those things to. A woman he wanted to win over and this was the way to do it. He had made up his mind about who he wanted me to be for him long before he knew who I was. And while getting to know me for who I was, slowly but not so slowly conflicts started arising as he realized I may not have been who he wanted me to be in all facets. With each day revealing more differences between who he wanted me to be and who I wanted him to be in reality, drawing us apart from each other creating uncontrollable fires. Never ending dramatic fights of broken promises from hurt souls. Every day it started showing more and more that also he was not the person he portrayed to be.
At this point with no awareness for the Indian madness, I embarked upon my last and most hurtful adventure of Indian love stories with him. The one who would be the last drop in the ocean before over flooding. The one who deeply broke me into tiny pieces at that time. Brought me to my knees, breaking me to the core of my existence of what I knew about love, consideration, attentiveness, empathy, compassion, trust, loyalty, honesty, care, reliability, kindness or any other value I connect to a committed, genuine relationship. Everything I knew or believed in was falling apart, taken from me within only a few weeks, leaving me broken, disappointed, highly irritated and with no clue of how human beings could possibly act in such opposing ways from one moment to the next. The contradictions between the display of who he made me believe he was and how he actually behaved towards me, worlds apart. A shining example of the toxicity that can be created within relationships when one is not aware of their different clashing personas. The "ideal self" image and the "real" one. Between reality and illusion. Between what could be and what is. Between who you want to be and who you truly are. Between who you believe to be and who show to be. The split between words and actions. Between two worlds.
Confronting him with my perception of him ever so often, repeatedly, he refused to acknowledge the truth of it. Not fundamentally. Not deeply. Not on a feeling level that him realize the truth on a core level. He may have had glimpses of the truth on an intellectual level. A rational level in his head and at times he may have even had short lived insights and understandings about what I was reflecting back to him. Still at most times he would defend himself, moving between the worlds. As there was nothing else to hold on to for me, the short sighted insights and acknowledgments from his side gave me hope that we could finally connect. That he could connect to himself and me. That he could change. That he wanted to work on it. That he deeply cared about knowing himself. I could not only imagine his potential but actually feel it. And yet I overlooked one very important aspect. Maybe the most crucial one. Process is never linear. It was more of a swinging between understanding himself and his contradicting parts better and hiding away, going back into protection mode of who he thought he was.
His double standards resurfacing almost every day, telling me one thing in one moment, doing the opposite the next. I gradually became torn inside, insane as I had already developed deep feelings for the version of him that he had presented to me in the beginning. Promising me the world, everything I ever wanted to hear including getting married, having children and never leaving my side. Everything he was ready to pursue with me, for me for the rest of our lives. I was sold. And well so. Only it wasn't for me. It was for himself. For the ideal part of his personality. Not for the real one. This was nothing personal. Not for me as a person. It was for him. A period of suffering had begun in which he shifted between promising to marry me, swearing I was the love of his life and gaslighting and ghosting me, showing me that he had no interest in me as a human being. That he had fooled himself. And me. Blinding out everything of his personality that didn't fit the euphemistic version of his self created identity he wanted to believe in.
Being unable to connect the two versions of his identity he was blown around like a lost leaf in the wind. The discrepancy between what he was taught to do or to feel in opposition to what he actually wanted, creating a major gap between promising me what he imagined I expected of him and doing what he actually wanted to do. The result: lies, false promises, raising false hopes and expectations in me. Expectations to live my life with a person who loves me from the bottom of his heart and would do anything for us to be together when the opposite was reality and all he did was finding new ways of getting away from me, ways of building distance between us until I could not create any closeness anymore as he had quietly excluded me from his life, pushed me out and away.
Unable to address the true nature of his wishes he went down the same road like so many others, attempting to make them disappear, suppress them, deny them whenever necessary. In order to process his emotions and integrate them into his personality to be the person he actually wanted to be, he would have firstly had to become aware of them. Become aware of what it is he wanted and then be brave enough to face the contradictions of what it is he had learned, what he's been infiltrated and how he actually felt about what he wanted in life. The courageous and hurtful awareness, the essential first step to create an identity that integrates all of what he is instead of splitting off aspects of his personality creating a disruption. This inner lack of integrity and connection to himself also generally hindering the chances to fully connect to others.
Today
I
tell a friend who was with me at the time and knows about Jay and A
the same about the phone call. She is pointing out that it doesn't
seem to be a particularly noble characteristic of a person, telling
me about my ex-ex-lover's secret over one and a half years late, when
I am long not involved in anybody's life anymore instead of "warning"
me back then when it could have revealed a truth to me, protecting my
well being. Questioning his place to do so as well as his timing.
Once more using a given situation to make himself look good instead
of protecting me. Now. At this point I was still laughing, only half
noticing that I was on a promising way to be pulled into his
manipulation again.
Why would he after two years tell me about Jay being married and especially wrapping it, in his all into well known manner, into a story of having talked to this girl when she was crying, as he had done back then before, every time I left. Talking to "lost" girls in cafes every time I turned my back on him. The same way he had started talking to me. Wouldn't a person who truly cared for me had told me back then? This way he connected both of the stories, in the end coming together as two untrustworthy men, one warning me of the other. Only... Jay did at the right time. And A did it for his own sake when I was long out of the picture.
Similarly he applied the act of listening as if he wanted to win the trainee of the month award for listening skills, before he could finally talk all about himself. Although the first part of our conversation consisted of him asking questions about all my friends he could remember, I did not have the feeling in my core that he really wanted to know about me personally. Too rash, too fast, too hasty he wanted the answers to finally speak himself and about what he had on his mind. I couldn't feel genuine interest in how I felt or what my processes were. The feeling took me back to when we were together. When I felt isolated, unseen and unheard whenever I was speaking. As if whatever I said was going into a void, instead of being reflected, validated or anyhow acknowledged. Like it was an impatient act of waiting for his turn to talk after we had not talked for a year that I had blocked him on all channels. In this call, giving me straight all the reasons why I did so in this very call, without him even understanding the least of it.
After the questioning session was over finally it is his turn to throw random facts about his life at me, in the attempt to show me how much he has changed or how great he's been doing in life, achieving the exact opposite by doing so. Telling me how he's been traveling to different countries, how much he has changed, how much he's understood about what has happened back then. How much of a "business man" he is now with his different branches of work (movies, guest house, companies, different brands etc.), I did not understand half of it. He's only achieving that I see the same lost boy like back then. I remember. He talks about the things necessary as a means to his end. Things that are of no interest for me but that he thinks would make him look good in front of me. A changed man. Yet they do exactly the opposite. Showing me that he is exactly the same man. Contributing to the picture he's painting about himself by even explaining to me during the phone call the reason why he was listening, thanking me for having taught him two years before that to build a connection people have to listen to one another. Presenting to me that he has rationally and intellectually understood it. And yet he failed to receive the true message. That this comes from a much deeper place of care and genuine interest in someone, wanting to connect to their heart. Building a relationship. Attempting to build a relationship from a place of "what is wanted from me" (seeking acknowledgment, belonging) and not "how do I truly feel" and "what do I truly want" no bond can be established as the whole motivation itself is coming from a disconnect from himself.
In the end "inviting" me to his village with the words You can come to see me here before I come, if you want. I mean I want to be a good host. Evidently his suggestion was not coming from a place of love and care and interest in me but from a place of adapted moral from a higher authority. Culture. Cultural value but not his own. He basically reasons already the "cultural why" delivering again the rational explanation and letting me know as mentioned before that this had nothing to do with his intrinsic wish to see me. Oblivious to himself. No interest in me. Not at all. It was for himself, wanting "to be a good host", causing a me a feeling of rejection instead of being loved and wanted. An outside feature that's liked to be seen in society as being a "good person". Now he may feel as a good person and yet I remain like an unloved woman in the dark. Again he is exactly claiming my point. It isn't about me. It never was. Not back then. Not now. It is of no interest for him to see me. There is no part of him that cares for me but only for himself. Thanking him and reflecting this acknowledgment back to him, he is twisting it around taking exactly my point of "this is nothing personal" from the opposite side. "Why are you making this all about yourself?" It is throwing me back in time. The way he used to speak to me when I was reflecting his behavior back to him, turning it around again. Because this shall be about me. About us. After all this was about two people meeting. Yet for him it is impossible to get out of his perspective, acknowledging that I am the other 50 percent involved.
Reflecting upon what was said I tell him the next day that I thought it was better not to meet. Receiving a more than expected reply from him telling me that he will not bother me when he returns back, basically saying that he would hide away from me. He's "confronting" me with the fact that it is "his" business here, his guesthouse that this is what he's coming back for (although he obviously is only around whenever it suits him -means to an end- not because he is a responsible, reliable host and guest house owner. I remember this part well) that he was not coming back for me anyways. Nothing personal. Not back then not today. Not ever. The sentence that still creates the biggest pain and the ultimate freedom in me at the same time. The phrase I had said to myself out loud so many times before to comprehend that this wasn't on me until I believed it. Only now I fully understand it. Before this was the exact reason I couldn't let go of him. I couldn't digest the hurtful truth that it wasn't about me. That once again I had myself given away to someone who wasn't coming for me. Nothing he said or did was for me. With the full understanding today this exact hurt turned into the ultimate freedom. Salvation. He had no idea of who I was. Not back then and not today. Presenting himself today in the exact same light as two years earlier.
Manipulation. It makes me sad but I can see clearly now at least. What he doesn't understand is that he could not be farther from the truth. I was always the one wanting to reflect upon what has happened, clearing things up, only he wasn't understanding my reflections back to him. And he still does not today. The realization of it is setting me free today when it was shattering for me for the longest time. And it should have. It should be heart-breaking to understand that when you have tried to build a relationship with an open heart, in honesty, from your deepest place of love with someone who merely used you as an instrument for his own insufficiencies to be silenced, to be suppressed. And you cannot even blame them because it is not a conscious act of evil or abuse. It is hidden in the darkest places inside of them where they cannot reach. Nothing was done with bad intentions, it is merely a strategy of compensation and denial for all the longings behind the surface.
Only later I would realize that he was more of a loner, pretending that it was his choice when in reality we cannot connect to others when we are not connected to ourselves. I saw this pattern in similar cases when people who are struggling to feel their own desires and needs also struggle to feel the needs of others and can therefore not care for or about them. Empathy, compassion and consideration simply cannot be felt as if there was an invisible wall between their inside world and the outside. As if someone cut the wire between their inner universe and the outside world as they have cut off their own inner wire between their worlds. Often they have no comprehension whatsoever for how the other person feels or what they need - even when you express it clearly to them, there is a gap between the intellectual understanding and connecting it to a feeling. Because feeling something comes from a place of authenticity. A feeling is coming from an intrinsic place. A place of value. A place of identity. Understanding something intellectually can be taught, learned, observed, practiced, reproduced. But it may not be real, honest, sincere or genuine. It is like a form of autism. A form of modern autism I seem to see more and more widespread all across the globe.
Where is this coming from?
Having been through these kinds of experiences myself many times I was wondering what makes our generation so torn, so unpredictable, so disconnected from ourselves? Where is this omnipresent disconnection coming from? It seems so deeply engraved in society, strongly rooted in many individuals, represented in all areas of life. Where is this inherent struggle to integrate the different parts of ourselves coming from? Was it always there? Is it a new phenomenon or did we just never care about it?
Evidently there will be many different answers on the different aspects of this matter and yet I think there is a crucial factor that plays and important role in all our deficiencies or inadequacies if we wish name it and that is exactly the reason that the words already suggest. That from the moment we were born we were most likely confronted with the fact that we come with some sort of flaws or faulty programming, misbehaviors or inappropriate feelings. Defect, deficient, not enough or too much. In other words: We were most likely taught in one way or another that something inside of us is not okay. The parts that our social background, our parents, teachers, religion, culture or other authorities did not approve of in the small or big picture. For those unappreciated parts of us we have most likely developed strategies to cover them up, suppress them, hide them or in the worst case have learned to live in total denial of their existence. We may have learned to split them off completely of the rest of our identity to receive the love and attention we needed to survive in the first place. Hiding parts of ourselves in dark places deep inside of us where later on in life they became our blind spots, difficult to ever find them again and understand that they are not our enemies but merely other parts of us that we could rather make our friends to understand them and take the necessary actions to integrate them to fully understand ourselves for who we truly are.
When we are talking about the integration process it is not a simple or easy task to do for everyone as there will be various reasons why this sort of disconnection will be very difficult to dissolve. Depending on the stage of self reflection and 'inner work' of the individual personal development in the field of psychology we may not even be able to spot our own blind spots. Actually most of us won't. Even the reflection alone is not enough to act upon it and break through our old establish protection mechanisms.
The complexity of our human nature, the different levels we connect through, as for example the intellectual one, makes it also hard to spot such a condition in another person. It takes time. We may as well perceive the person as very reflected and connected like I did too with A through his great sense of intimacy that he was able to create through other channels than the actual authentic core feeling. He learned so well how to act, copying it perfectly, having absorbed the feelings mostly through books or observations in movies and people. A brilliant act that's hard to reveal. It can feel legitimately like we are being understood and seen. Loved. The ability of a person to communicate about the issue, address it and even properly reflect upon it makes it extremely difficult to sense that the connection may not come from a place of intrinsic value but solely from a place of intellectual understanding. Yet at the latest we will come to realize that it wasn't a personal connection coming from the heart when situations become contradicting in what was said and what is done. When we find in reality, in practice the person is not actually living what they are displaying. When we realize once things get hard, words mean nothing anymore. As when things get hard in real love, we talk, we stay, we communicate. We want to understand the other person and dissolve the issue to make sure the person we love is okay. Empathy and compassion is key. As when we cannot feel that we will just run away to escape what we don't want to feel. We will find that even when one is acknowledging the contradictions in themselves it is not always possible for them to change their behavior accordingly as the origin for the missing authenticity is deeply rooted in their background and not simply changed by recognizing it.
Still until today I have not understood how A could go from building this unique sort of intimacy and cut himself off me only moments later. Repeatedly. Back then, this time, multiple times. My total disbelief making me open up over and over again as if I was unable to learn that again the connection would only last for moments. But these moments the intimacy would feel sincerely deep and real and yet fading away within the blink of an eye. Why I could not understand this sort of behavior is because I understand things through my feelings. Through morals and values, coming from my core believes and in this realm of mine such cut off behavior that seems to be far away from any notion of human nature, of being anyhow empathetic, is simply unworldly, not to be comprehended on any level. Heart-breaking. It's why I lived in denial of believing that he could act so cruel until the present day, having to admit it. That there is no change. And there will not be. Reliving the same nightmare uncountable times, going through the same hell fire over and over again, betraying myself, cheating myself, made it hard for me to believe in anything anymore.
Coming back spending two days with him, he shows me the same two faces. Like one and a half years before. In the first night he would show his soft, loving, caring side. Taking my hand, the first touch comes unexpected, the look in his eyes the same soft when he thanks me for all he could learn from me. When he overwhelms me with words of appreciation, again creating this intimacy that had broken me all the times before. When I cry and tell him he shouldn't mind my tears, he is putting his arms around me and tells me that then I shall also not mind him holding me in them. He tells me that he wants to see the world through my eyes, experience life through me. Putting his face touching the skin of my face just like two years before, rubbing off my tears with his cheek, reminding me of how it felt. He says he won't forget he has said this to me because he means it... This time... and yet when the morning breaks, no surprise here again, he is a changed person again. He doesn't look at me anymore. Instead he asks me to make him a coffee while he doesn't want to wake up. His interest in my presence seems to have vanished again, let alone a consideration for my needs or feelings. No care, no loving kindness, only self-interest. Instead of wanting to see life through my eyes he is not even interested in looking at pictures of my time in India when I try to show them to him. He rejects me instead and wants to make me look stupid for what I am expressing. Gaslighting. Once again he is giving me the feeling as if everything happening between us only hours before had just happened in my head and was of no meaning to him. Please don't disappear again he says to me before we part and I really don't know which world he is living in while he is the one disconnecting himself from me every time. If this is a protection mechanism it's one of the most powerful ones I've ever seen in anyone. If not, it's all just an unethical game to achieve what he wants. Talking about it he seems to be aware, he's reflecting it to me, apologizing to me and yet moments later he is again slamming the door in my face.
Side note: I gave him this excerpt to read. He called me. Overthrew me with praise and recognition, told me how accurately I described our story and that I grasped his inside better than he could himself, helping him to understand himself better. Moved by how I put it in words he asked me to be his friend and to help him with his issues. As I am who I am, again it sounded deeply sincere as he thanked me for all I have been doing, promising again that this time he would use his chance.
No surprise for any uninvolved observer, by hanging up the phone he had already forgotten all about me and our conversation and so he once again disappeared like a ghost in the dark never to be heard of again Hopefully this time for the last time.
This may by far be the most frustrating part. The swaying between feeling connected and disconnected that is creating an endless field of lies and unreliability. A field of hope and disappointment. And yet the disappointment will always win. This is the lesson the person on the other side has to learn, maybe for many times the hard way. As processes are never linear they are moving in an endless spectrum and into all directions. Unpredictable, leaving us with a feeling of despair. As for me the glimpses of feeling connected to A remained glimpses and his contradictory behavior remained contradictory, even when over and over again I thought something inside of him had changed for over two years and countless times of trying.
In the end it is not enough to solely become aware of our behavior intellectually but being capable of making it a truth. Practicing change. Getting the help we need from the outside to learn how to approach our issue instead of following our long cultivated protection strategies that have kept us away from our connection in the first place. Feeling the values, developing them from a place of personal desire instead of knowing them. Sometimes people may manage to observe the situation and rationally understand it but cannot connect the appropriate emotion with it and therefore the necessary action because their intrinsic desire is still different. Solving this kind of dilemma is a tricky matter as it takes active courage and the will to truly change. In the ideal case we have people in our lives who can support the person with unconditional love so that the need of being someone else can disappear and we can safely be who we are because we know we are being loved and meaningful to someone.
This is nothing personal - It's the right thing to do
Back to my most sensitive words and the aspect that connected my story to all the others I've heard from fellow sufferers. The extend of the cultural aspect that had remained in the dark for me for some time. For the longest time I couldn't find the connection between the culture and the psychological issue and detached behavior. I had largely overlooked where all the stories found their common ground. That it was not only the background of an individual person but the collective teachings and values that are strongly influencing how people perceive the world and what they believe they have to live after. I was not able to identify the positive aspects that I've experienced in my relationships, how I was taken care of when they made sure at all times I had everything I needed, not only but all the things that I wanted (stopping for toilets, buying me coffee or chocolates, showering me, cooking for me, washing my laundry with their by hand every time...) as cultural aspects. Again it wasn't personal. It was connected to culture. Something I wasn't used to before. Being treated in such an intimate and attentive way and still confusing it with love.
Also words that have been said to me in different variations having the same cultural background and therefore the same root cause and core belief: "I wouldn't treat you like that. You deserve to be worshiped. You deserve to be treated like this... that... it would be the right thing to do..." All these phrases that seemed at the first look like the 'right thing' to say but also evoking no resonance in me. For the exact reason what these words are already intrinsically expressing. They are not coming from an internal wish, from a self developed value to genuinely care for someone BUT from that part that was infiltrated in the person by culture or society. A higher authority that was translating into this is the right thing to do. For a long time I couldn't put my finger on it why I felt like it wasn't coming from a true place of love and care. Now I see all these statements as a self-serving means to an end. The end to accomplish one's own goal. To fulfill external expectations from society or other authorities. As in my case to be with this woman, I will say what is expected of me. It is nothing personal. It's not about the woman herself and who she is. It's about the status she would provide for him when he has achieved to "keep" her. Feeling successful of having done "the right thing", find approval by the family or society of ‚getting‘ a foreign woman, maybe even as a wife.
My whole relationship experience with A as so many other encounters are a mere reflection of the clash between intrinsic needs and outside expectations. Giving me instantaneous explanations for their words, validating them, e.g. "I would treat you like a queen. I will shower you, make you food, make you coffee every morning because it is the right thing to do." It may seem contradicting at first glance when someone is doing the ‚right thing‘, that it could still cause harm. It's beautifully explained by Sadhguru for example that Karma does not merely represent the physical action but also our intrinsic motivation (e.g. thoughts, feelings, beliefs etc.). If an action is not aligned with our intention of doing good, not forming integrity, as a whole, again we act unconsciously against our own values, creating mixed messages, mixed feelings.
This discrepancy described in personal relationships we can also find in all other parts of life considering a person remains the same person in all parts of their life. We can observe similar kinds of behavior when it comes to building a career, getting a highly regarded job or even in different kind of lifestyles as for example the yogic lifestyle that I came for in the first place. A world of big magic and extreme pretense.
Yogic Lifestyle and Karma
Indian culture comes along with a vast amount of history and spirituality. Endless holy, sacred scriptures, books, notes, teachings are an important part of the Indian culture and society. Gods, temples and prayers are an essential part of their daily life. All their traditional teachings of spirituality, yogic lifestyle and alternative medicines or treatments like Ayurveda, naturally opening up modern business branch as Westerners gradually have become more and more interested in the teachings over the last decades. Spiritual guides, Gurus, Yogis, Shris, Krishnas, Babas the list of titles is endless. You name it. Many self announced Masters have been randomly popping up out of nowhere in the last years as it has become a profitable and rewarding market. As more and more people from all across the world are coming to find salvation, healing and peace, seeking validation from higher, 'enlightened' authorities many have found this to be a great chance to use it for themselves as a safe source of income.
Having stayed in Rishikesh for over three months to learn more about the yogic lifestyle, I had to discover that with the growing interest and popularity of these alternative ways of living, also comes along a similar phenomena of detachment and immorality. Similar to what I've experienced in my personal life two years before as well as the second time in India, I found yogis living contrarily to their own teachings, behaving like lost boys, manipulating, lying or hiding away. Not only in the personal life the self announced Gurus but also in their 'yoga business' many seemed to struggle with integrity about what they taught and how they lived. The discrepancy between their teachings and how they behaved outside the classroom presenting significant gaps and contradictions. Promising liberation of the mind and transformation of your life it becomes harder and harder to separate the genuine spiritual guides from the lost souls who are trying to use the system as a means to an end for their own purposes. This can lead to misunderstood or consciously abused spirituality turning into toxic spirituality or spiritual bypassing as a defense mechanism. This is where my personal story and the background of Indian spirituality cross paths.
Spiritual Bypassing
Spiritual bypassing has become a popular term over the last years just as the scene has grown and expanded across the world. It can be understood as a way of using spiritual reasoning to excuse psychological deficiencies or avoid psychological issues as described in my experiences. According to Welwood the first person using the term spiritual bypassing is the "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks." Instead of confronting oneself with a complex psychological issue people would rather use spiritual 'explanations' to avoid the process of dissolving the issue. Indications for spiritual bypassing can look like:
believing in your own spiritual superiority (as was brought to me multiple times, 'I have lost my ego')
avoiding 'negative' feelings or anger
'rising above' their emotions
struggling with feelings of detachment (alienation from themselves) and
using denial as a defense mechanism (which was daily practice in my relationship with A)
You should have no expectations. One of these sentence that at first glance seems about right but can be an indicator for spiritual bypassing or otherwise being disconnected. It could become a suitable life motto to safe us from hurt and disappointment, again detaching us from the emotions we are not willing to feel. It may bring us some sort of peace and an omnipresent equanimity that so many are trying to achieve on the way to enlightenment. It sounds like freedom. As if once we get rid of all our expectations we could live a happy, free life, taking people fully just as they are instead of trying to form them to our wishes and expectations. For that matter it seems like a tempting value to have as surely we should not obsess over trying to change people. And yet does it mean we should not have any expectations in people? Expectations about how we want to be treated, how we want to feel? It is one of these phrases used one too many times in the name of spirituality and I am asking myself isn't having "no expectations" by any means the opposite of any value at all? Doesn't the maxim of not expecting anything from anyone translate into also having no boundaries? No wrong no right? Everything just is as it is. Doesn't it mean that whatever wrong is done, whatever harm, whatever hurt, unfairness, cruelty, aggressiveness or degradation towards other people is widely overlooked? Not being punished by a whole society opening up more space for immoral behavior? If we have no expectations for anyone do we also not have any expectation for ourselves? No standards, no requirements on how to live or how to treat people? Isn't this the ultimate entitlement, encouraging all the wrong doings in the world especially our own?
Equanimity, no judgment. No likes no dislikes. No good no bad. Everything just is as it is. Justification for inexcusable behavior, for acting beyond any morality or values. In the attempt to follow the spiritual path to enlightenment, the path to salvation and happiness, they fail understand that connection cannot be build through denying certain emotions or feelings cutting ourselves off each other. Cheating themselves into false peace.
This spiritual bypassing seems to be a way how many young Indian man have found their path of becoming a 'yogi'. Pursuing the path of a 'yogi', living a yogic lifestyle, many men seem to believe it would be the salvation for their previous „immoral“ behavior of drinking, smoking, partying or other excessive lifestyles they used to follow at a younger age or compensate their current wrongdoings. It seems to be widely believed that changing the role or lifestyle will solve the issue that has created their immoral behavior in the first place. Instead of facing the complex psychological issue behind their aggressions, getting to the root cause of their behavior, they prefer to blind it out and think they will overcome their problems by 'positive thinking' - toxic positivity. Aspiring to find salvation -creating good karma- they try to build an identity of a 'good/decent' person through mere outer physical actions. Teaching the old traditions of yoga or Ayurveda, eating clean food, talking in the ‚right manner‘, saying the ‚right things‘ or following a certain scripture.
They attempt to clean up their past Karma. Doing the ‚right thing‘ but not feeling the right thing. Totally disconnected from themselves inside, the same imbalance occurs as it has in my relationship. Losing themselves in an outside action - believing a yogi is someone who teaches yoga. A biker is someone who is riding a bike. And a teacher is someone who is teaching. Putting on a business suit, ‚talking business‘ makes them a business man, they fail to understand that it does not make one anyone if it’s not felt inside, if it’s not coming from a place of right intention and intrinsic value. Trying to create an identity solely through a role, an outside appearance, their identity is nowhere near their lifestyle, not to be found in their actions or core beliefs. How many ‚yogis‘ have I seen hanging out smoking weed all day long? Drinking, eating whatever they like, living a double standard life, hooking up with European women, having a wife and kids at home and so on. The list is endless. Betrayal, cheating, lying to ones own needs. Again these are not only personal experiences. Unfortunately these are no exceptions but a sad normality of reality in India. A total misinterpretation of Karma. A meaningful term that every average Indian is growing up with and yet is widely completely misunderstood as a physical action in the material world.
"Yogi" is a description of my inner condition, not my activity." - Sadhguru
We may have critical opinions about preachers like Sadhguru or the concept of Karma, at the same I could find some understandings in the teachings. When our actions are not aligned with our true most inner thoughts and feelings, our human desires, our human needs that we all have, an imbalance is created. A split. This way the action is totally isolated from what a person's authentic motives and intentions are. Not knowingly, unconsciously and unaware, following a misunderstood model of Karma, acting in a way that was taught to them by their parents, a sacred book or a Guru, yet not feeling the truth of their own actions. Missing the respective values, originating from inside ourselves, a discrepancy is formed that is leading to detachment. Denial of our actual wants, needs and desires. Denial of our deeply rooted longing for recognition, being cared for and being meaningful to someone leading to detachment from ourselves. The most intrinsic, inborn natural need to matter for someone. Denying love to oneself and therefore to others.
Misunderstood Karma. Action without the intrinsic rightly motivated intention. What I have started calling Indian madness I see as misunderstood Karma as part of misunderstood spirituality in general, coming from a psychological core issue in individuals held by certain social norms and beliefs as described in my personal story and also by the psychologist Carl Rogers.
Roger's Theory
Roger explains that when what you project into the outside world, what you display to live after, your 'spiritual', culturally embedded values are clashing with your actual beliefs, your way of living, thinking and acting, it causes inner conflict, leading to contradictory behavior. Behavior that I perceived as schizophrenic or dissociated is nothing out of the ordinary in India due to the cultural background. Some people talk about their double lives as if they couldn't find anything wrong with it. Some even are reflected about it but see no need to change it. One day going around preaching kindness, compassion and honesty, the next day betraying their wife or neighbor. Not much effort is put into hiding any of it, depending on 'the end‘ to the means of what the individual wants to achieve through their false, misleading promises.
Roger's theory about detachment gives much of an insight on what's been my experience regarding 'dissociated behavior' in India. Roger explains that when you follow outside values that are defined by your culture, society, gender, religion and class while your intrinsic values don't match them, they are clashing, creating a gap between your 'real self‘ and your 'ideal self‘. Two conflicting realities. Since it is one of the most crucial needs as a human being to be loved, accepted and regarded positively for who we are -first by our parents and later by other authorities or our culture- we may act according to the values we've been taught. As a survival mechanism, as a means to an end, to receive the love and care we need to thrive in this world we develop a mechanism to split off our intrinsic wants and follow the external ones. With regard to survival being meaningful to the ones we love becomes more important than our own values and desires. This clash of internal desires and external expectations is creating a spiral of detachment, disconnection and alienation from ourselves in the end.
In the pursuit of being meaningful to others we can lose touch with our own feelings and values and distort our personal desires and wants, denying aspects of our true self. Our actions therefore may not be aligned with our inner feelings and a gap is created in our behavior, what we say and who we really are (what we are feeling inside). A feeling of alienation and lack of authenticity is the consequence. A feeling that one's own experiences and daily activities do not stem from our true authentic self as we seek the approval from others (parents, society etc.)
You will mostly find them being somehow socially awkward or in some way loners. These are usually not the kind of people who are surrounded by a big circle of friends (by friends I mean deep close friends, not people who are just around) or found in interactive social environments. It seems they have the tendency to find spare time activities they can do by themselves, e.g. reading, writing etc. Unaware of their disconnect they seem to fly around like leaves in the wind in search for true love when yet they are unable to feel it, only creating an intellectual idea around it in their head.
When our parents infiltrate a value system in to us when they tell us how to behave "properly" in order to be loved and recognized, in order to belong to them, we will obey as we have no other choice, even despite having an opposing feeling inside, a ‚split‘ starts developing, a gap. A discrepancy between our inner desires and needs and what is wanted and expected of us in our direct environment. Therefore even in spite of one of our strongest human features, the striving for self-actualization, the conditioning of a society can lead us to betray our personal desires, aspirations, dreams and values in exchange for approval from the authorities and people we love.
When we blindly follow any path that's been taught to us; when we follow morals and values according to someone who taught us without experiencing life and who we are ourselves to find out what are our personal, values, we might get lost in the game and end up doing the opposite of what we really believe in without even realizing it. Our personality, behavior or lifestyle will not align with our values and the consequence is immoral, unethical behavior. Cheating, betraying, lying to people. These ‚splits‘ between morals and values and our actual behavior and attitude causing a long list of harmful outcomes for the person concerned as well as for the ones involved. Causing damage on all levels of relationships like most unresolved psychological issues do. Missing the respective qualities (connection to their feelings) to build a solid foundation for any relationship as it demands truthfulness, openness, interest in the other person and oneself, honesty and other qualities that are crucial for a functioning healthy relationship.
Living in this condition without having the necessary tools to understand our own contradictory patterns, makes it impossible for the person to escape their own alienation and create an identity of integrity. No sense of responsibility or wrongdoing can be developed as it remains a blind spot. Completely in the dark of their own actions and the consequences for others and themselves they tend to use the same strategy that they’ve once developed to protect themselves, they cause the same vicious cycle, unable to get out of it.
How to transform detachment into connection?
Carl Rogers suggests that unconditional positive regard would help individuals achieve congruence between their real self and their ideal self. Establishing an integrated personality instead of swinging between individual, personal values and expectations and values from other outside sources. Yet the first step necessary as in every condition in life is the recognition of our acute condition. Bringing awareness to our state and understand that there are ways to live a more integrated happy life when we stop excluding parts of our identity. Also this first step is the hardest as it is the blind spot for a reason and therefore most likely needs a lot of attention and reflection from the outside, from our close environment (friends, family etc.) to for us to see our issue.
The psychological perspective, the development of our mind, a sincere and courageous confrontation with what's inside of us and what truly moves us, specifically taking a closer look at our darkest shadows can be very overwhelming once we have managed to even get to that point. Confronting ourselves with the parts of ourselves that may not be accepted by the people we love and therefore receive rejection as an answer may make it impossible for a large share of us to face our inner self, including meeting our demons. Especially when we did not have the opportunity to receive the necessary education to learn and understand complex thinking structures and patterns, making correlations between action and outcome, struggling to put things into context or perspective. Learning to use metacognitive strategies -observing our own thoughts, reflecting upon them and finding tools to use them appropriately- might be another aspect that makes it difficult to spot our own blind spots. Additionally the psychological education in many parts of the world like India is still a widely undiscovered field for most and not yet as popular as in the West. Ignorance and missing familiarity with our psychological backgrounds, including trauma dynamics and protection mechanisms that we have deeply internalized, living unconsciously inside of us, might be a reality for the vast majority not only in this country.
Possibly we have not been given the opportunity to enhance our brain structures and mindset, educate ourselves, learn to think independently instead of only projecting back into the world what has been infiltrated into our minds for years. Make meaning of information, instead of simply reproducing them. Often in environments like India things seem to be hanging lose. Detached. Separate. Without context. No rules, no boundaries, no common agreements forming common sense.
At the same time many others of us have been granted access to the respective tools and educational system, coming from a convenient, privileged background that provides all the necessary conditions for us to be able educate ourselves and learn about our mind if we choose to step into action and yet we might just as well not be willing or capable or ready to face all our inner notions. Feelings of pain, shame, guilt, wrongdoings and all the ‚ugly‘ sides we all have but many of us want to deny, may be brought to the surface once we dive into our subconscious mind. Most likely we overlook the aspects of our behavior and who we are that we don't approve in ourselves, that we judge as 'bad’ or 'wrong‘ and that are yet still living inside each and every one of us. These are most likely the aspects we have learned early on in our lives are the ones not appreciated by our respective society or other authorities as mentioned before.
The act of denial is likely not a conscious choice but often it's simply owed to the missing awareness for our intrinsic needs and desires. Even less do we consider giving these notions space, consciously and proactively make room for them, to attentively decipher where they are coming from, what they want to tell us and what we want to do with them. In many cases our hidden emotions can create an enormous amount of hardship and it requires strength and patience to find ways, methods and tools to deal with them. Hence understandingly enough only the fewest seem to be ready or willing to take on this biggest of all challenges. Much rather most suppress or deny the disliked and shameful characteristics which then can undisturbed grow and expand inside of us without our interference or acknowledgment.
When it comes to the process of discovering our ancient protection mechanisms and breaking through them, the possibility of connecting to other people instead of protecting ourselves can feel very much unsafe once we are brave enough to put down our shields. Especially when we are doing it for the first times. No matter if the protection mechanism was protecting an unhealthy or toxic pattern, it makes us feel safe because it has kept us safe throughout all our life. Safe from hurt but also safe from connection. It’s the hardest part of all to find the courage to break through that protection mechanism that once served us to keep our heart and soul safe and is now keeping us from truly connecting to other people. To dive into our vulnerability, break off our protection and face the pain that might feel nothing less than dying. A danger that feels like we couldn’t survive it which is yet the door opener to a true authentic life with genuine connections.
CONCLUSION
Detachment Theory, Karma, Spiritual Bypassing
Carl Rogers (psychologist and psychotherapist), Sadhguru (spiritual teacher) and John Welwood (Buddhist teacher and therapist) are only three examples, coming from different backgrounds who seem to have discovered a similar phenomenon giving it different names yet apparently originating from the same place. However we choose to name it - our observations find common ground in the aspects of detachment and alienation of one’s mind when we live in denial of our authentic wants and needs and don't want to face our psychological issues. We have been given an insight on how we are sabotaging ourselves and our relationships when we don't face our complex mind and our own story, asking the necessary questions about who we are, what our values are and who we want to be. We came to see what happens when we refuse to look at our backgrounds, our past, our childhood, our parents, teachers and the society we were born in to and questioning if how we feel and what we do is truly aligned with our values. If we live in a way that comes from our true intrinsic values or something that was infiltrated to us by other authorities now determining our life without our awareness for it. Finding our authentic self as a mission in life, maybe the most important one, instead of rigidly holding on to what we think we believe could be a helpful practice to a happier life. Acknowledging that we are ever changing fluent beings with yet the same basic needs and different personal values.
One fundamental truth is that every person wants to be loved, recognized and cared for, be safe and meaningful. Feel safe and welcomed in a certain community or by a specific person.
How can we establish such functioning, healthy relationships if we have not intrinsically developed morals and values of loyalty, trust, truth, honesty, care, authenticity, attentiveness, compassion, empathy, reliability, responsibility, stability, connection, selflessness, dedication, curiosity, generosity and openness to learn from one another. With each other to learn how to love each other. Listen to each other. Communicate with each other.
It’s necessary to understand and practice our values in the physical every day life to be capable of love and connection. Can we achieve true bonding if we only listen to our partner because it is seen as a 'good deed' socially or because we have had the intellectual understanding that this is what people ought to do in a relationship but while we are listening our mind is already preoccupied with thoughts about the TV show we wanna watch at night or the friend we want to go see later that afternoon. Is it then true listening? Is it truly listening out for interest in the other person if we solely listen because we want to speak afterwards? As a rational 50/50 fair share. Are we really listening then? Why are we listening then? Are we listening because we care how our loved one feels, what they think, what is moving them, are we listening because we are sincerely curious about their heart, their insights, their perspective? Are we even open to learn from them, to share with them, to create a connection?
Can a connection between two souls even be formed if one person's mind is not in the same space but traveling somewhere else with our thoughts? Somewhere away from that person because there is no genuine interest, curiosity and care for that person in our heart. Purely performing the act of something stigmatized as good will never have the effect of what it was supposed to perform in the first place. Because that is all it is at the end. An act. A performance. A theater. A drama. Karma. But the Karma is not the 'listening‘. It is the inner resistance against the listening, waiting for our own turn to talk, creating the exact opposing feeling. Disconnection.
Once we understand the complexity of things and not only look at the world in terms of good and bad, black and white, wrong and right, we will understand that sometimes the things that seem to be the right thing to do on the surface, can be exactly the wrong thing to do, coming from the wrong place of motivation. A place of selfishness. Egocentrism. A place of using something or someone as a means to an end. A place of unhealthy action in the attempt to protect our hearts from being hurt.
I
hope my experiences can be inspiration for change. For loving each
other with an open heart from a place of authenticity and care.
~ I think the people we pick to be in our lives are the truest reflection of ourselves, like a mirror. ~
That's what she said. And I agree.
~ IN THE END IT ALL COMES DOWN TO CONSCIOUSNESS. ~
I apologize to anyone who might feel hurt, offended or otherwise insulted by my text. It was surely not my intention.
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