My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

  It's been over two weeks since the lifequake. Two weeks since all my strength was drained out of me, leaving me deranged, stranded in the middle of nowhere. After two weeks now finally the lifequake has turned into the manifest. A manifest that is shining bright in all its details represented in him. A to the K to the A to the K აქაქი meaning ნათელი. A manifest that couldn't have been stronger. And it came with the rain in the early morning hours just like the lifequake itself. It's 4.20am. I wake up from the heavy rain drumming on the top of the roof. I go to the toilet, I feel my sense of security shaking. From two weeks before. I go back to bed, pull the blanket over me up to my chin. I close my eyes. My thoughts and feelings from the past days start circulating inside of me. I cannot sleep. All my emotions, all my hurt about all the men I was with especially capital A to the K in my mind. I want closure, I want closeness, warmth. I want to be loved. My thoughts wh...

I am so glad no one got hurt . So am I. I am so much. Truly. We all survived. Physically we are alive. From the outside no one can see my pain. From the outside I seem unhurt. The opposite is the truth. Right now I only exist. I only exist in my pain, from my hurt. Shook to my existence. Inside I am not alive. My all being is vulnerable to the core. Shook so deeply, scratched, hurt, injured to the essence of my existence. The physical trauma manifesting in my body, so weak, so tired, my legs hurt from the fall down the hill when the heavy tent broke with me in to its foundation, the wood crashing down into the ground with me. It's two days later and I'm still crashing into the ground, the ground of my existence.  I returned to the city. A toxic place. Loud, full of danger. Cars, houses, people with no awareness, I stumble around the streets, the beach strap to walk my legs. They don't want to. My body wants to rest. All of it. I see the bruises, the scratches on my skin. Th...

• ~ I am your butterfly effect I said  The only person who doesn’t hear the flap of their beautiful wings Is HIM Not if his oldest friend tells him Not anyone  Unreachable in his own fucking universe  Ever returning there To hide from his ignorance  WAKE UP CALL REALITY CHECK this was supposed to be a poem Before rage arose Rightly so when Mother Nature came with all its force almost taking my life My precious life that I have spent for two years denying the only truth The one shining quality His brilliance is ABSENCE The only evidence I ever got A NOSHOW A person who despite whatever he says never delivers A person who no matter what  circles around himself only 24 hours after reappearing  Disappearing The only time he is present is for the first time To then use my heart again for his own sake A person who is incapable of any understanding of human interaction  Feelings emotions of any kind A person without feelings A person who cannot feel empathy t...