Dead Or Alive



• ~ I am your butterfly effect I said 

The only person who doesn’t hear the flap of their beautiful wings

Is HIM

Not if his oldest friend tells him

Not anyone 

Unreachable in his own fucking universe 

Ever returning there

To hide from his ignorance 

WAKE UP CALL REALITY CHECK

this was supposed to be a poem

Before rage arose

Rightly so when Mother Nature came with all its force almost taking my life

My precious life that I have spent for two years denying the only truth

The one shining quality

His brilliance is ABSENCE

The only evidence I ever got

A NOSHOW

A person who despite whatever he says never delivers

A person who no matter what 

circles around himself only 24 hours after reappearing 

Disappearing

The only time he is present is for the first time

To then use my heart again for his own sake

A person who is incapable of any understanding of human interaction 

Feelings emotions of any kind

A person without feelings

A person who cannot feel empathy to a point of death

How was I thinking he could possibly ever act upon them?????

Even when I’m dead he stays in silence

My deepest dilemma and trauma

Letting me slide down the mountain in the tornado

He confirms EVERYTHING he ever presented to me and nothing different 

He doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive

Like I’ve felt it since I came into this world

I ignored that there was nothing to understand 

I ignored that someone who does not understand to validate any feeling of the other person

Will always stay lonely with his own

You were WRONG

I am triggered by you?

Am I?

Yes indeed I am!

Yes God I am!

I wish I was more triggered!

I wish I wasn’t so kind so understanding with you 

I should be furious

I should always be triggered by inhumane behavior 

By hurtful damaging behavior 

Behavior that is purposefully destroying your soul without any responsibility 

Without any awareness for his part for his actions for he is BLIND

SO BLIND that no one ever can pull Him out of it

At the very last me as he does never hesitate for a second to destroy my soul over and over again for the price of him staying in his old dynamics

Truly and deeply convinced he’s right about what he does and what he knows

You deserve to be ignored 

You deserve to not exist in my world like you’ve never became tired of making me non existent 

Cutting me out for your life

You piece of Shit Human being 

Finally I yell as I am supposed to

When any human being with a connection who has realized only to the tiniest extent what he’s been causing over years

Would gladly take the anger

The rage the accusations

The accurate wave of distrust

Any human being would gladly work hard to change all about it

Do anything it takes to heal with that person

To create a safe space

Be there with all they are

BUT NOOOOOOO

NOT YOU 

NO NOT YOU 

YOU don’t get tired of doing the opposite 

You NEVER get tired to circle around yourself 

NO MATTER WHAT

NO MATTER WHAT

NOTHING in this world matters 

Unless it’s YOUR FUCKING AGANEDA!!!!

Your fucking OWN life

As if you were the fucking only person in this world

And I still write

 I write you

Emails letters voices

Explanations teachings 

In my pain

My endless existential pain that you trigger

That you never cared about 

That in opposite you take as prove that you are right 

You understood nothing about the world

Love

Or Human relationships 

All you know is

Being inside your own fucked up head

Oh how you deserve this

A million times more

Never have you understood the tiniest part of me

Never will you ever

You tiny little mind

I waste my all valuables on YOU

A LOST CASE

Whenever there is no time

Hectic you say

For all the time I have known you 

For two years you have no time

No time no time no time 

And you’re (ab)using mine

Putting me below you every time

Every time

Every time

Never ending

Never ending

NEVER ENDING

NEVER ENDING

THIS TIME IS MINE

I survived another time

NOT FOR YOU!!!!

Not anymore!

No lesson in this world ever understood by you 

No message ever received by you 

No nothing nothing to be broken open inside of you 

True blindness 

Endless. Limitless.

Convinced of your truth

You NEVER care what damage you leave behind

What destruction 

What hurt

Like the tornado which almost took my life

Not this time

As long as you are the ONE AND ONLY CENTER IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE

WHY DID I WASTE MY TIME????

So small you are. So small. So small. That at no point you find any value maturity or decency to EVER show up

Coming into ACTION

DOING

instead of meaningless talking

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER

IT’S OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER OVER !

Every second spend for you a waste of my lifetime

A waste of time just a waste of time

Never to be disappointed 

Every single time for two years you play me like a fool

Every single time

No more

No more

No more

Dead or alive you don’t care

You stick to your agenda

Never caring about mine


Pouring into your cup

While thoughtlessly You drink Mine

Emptying what I keep refilling 

Coming around whenever you please

Knocking on my Door 

Pretending to be surprised 

Every time I open

Making me believe you are pleased 

You are here

For me

Every time just showing up for your own agenda

Never for me

Dead or alive 

You never came to fight

Only to Hide

Thinking you are worth it

With all my sincerity 


No more blind

In my best intentions 

Knowing you won’t change 

Your energy remains

Always I’m right

Not to Disappoint 

You Stay

You stay

You stay

Behind Curtains

Never No surprise 

Consciously giving me all

Only to confirm what I already know 

What I’ve already learned a million times 

What a waste of Time

No Effort

No Will

No Dedication

Only stuck to your own life

Never stepping out

Never to listen

Never to know what it means to love

What it means to respect

What it means to prioritize 

What it means push through 

What it means…

What a waste

A waste of…

A waste of all…

All I am…

All I was…

All I will be…

Talking No Walking 

You STAY

STUCK

Not feeling shame

To throwing big words

Words of Actions

They always Remain

The same

ILLUSION

Delusion 

I’m coming to see you in Georgia

Limitless fooling

To make me regret 

Opening the door I never even close

Looking at you with open Arms

Always I stand there

Standing in the door you never walk through 

Never you do

Seeing me standing on the other side

Reaching my hand out to you 

Just so you can let it hang lose

Never walking through 

Never entering the room

Never coming for me

You keep standing outside 

Looking at me

Leaving me there

Alone

Hanging

Until I shut it again

24 Hours

That’s all it takes

Every time

Coming as no surprise 

Dead or Alive

We will never survive•~




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

INDIAN MADNESS - A Personal Story

The Spectrum of (Indian) Madness Introduction This is nothing persona l. One of the sentences I have come to recognize as a red flag for myself as for me this has become very personal. This exact sentence representing the key factor concerning the topic of my writing. Disconnection. Separation. Alienation. Detachment. The whole reason I found myself in urgent need to write about what had become my personal tragedy. This is nothing personal . A sentence I would hear repeatedly from different people, presenting similar behaviors towards me, by far causing me the most hurt coming from the person that mattered the most to me at the time when I was confronted with the topic in a way that I couldn't ignore it anymore. Alongside came also other phrases like have no expectations or this is the right thing to do , all representing the same disconnection in people making things impersonal, creating distance to a certain situation, inside one individual, or between two individuals. T...
Read more

This One‘s for YOU ♥️

Image
  An even more beautiful woman wearing the top ❤️❤️❤️ That's when I realize he is nothing special. In her tears, through her tears. In the mirror of her heartbreaking existential pain, I find my own.  We cannot reach them she says. And so she is right. Go to the mountain and scream it out but don’t talk to him. Nothing you say will ever reach him. I wish  you never waste a single drop of energy on him again. I hope this was the last encounter with him in your life. Mirrors mirrors mirrors all the same.  My own messages returned to me by them.  Like when I told her a month ago that I saw so many similarities to my story and that I am afraid that this really is only an illusion as I had to learn it the hard way myself. Not once. Not twice... Here we are today. Trice. In the expected situation. Only hers is acute and mine is old and dormant. Dead. Disappearing. Ghosting. All he knows how to do. Please don’t disappear again he says before I am leaving. Only a sh...
Read more

Bengaluru calling

 Now that the kings have fallen, the queen is rising, Bengaluru calling. The air is dense, the sky is grey, my body tense from the shades of day. Loneliness, the thickness of winter slowly spreading through my body and mind. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't know how to be kind.  Waking up in the morning, the mist in the air, meeting her in the kitchen where she's prepared her pumpkin pie, brewing coffee, playing with the dogs, home, my. She makes it home, she shares her home, with me in this time. She creates a warmth we need in this time, washing away my loneliness, the fine. How did you sleep she will want to know every morning, making this a better day than it would have been without her. I hear Bengaluru calling. Haunted by the rumbling activity of my mind, reminding me of the hardships of life, this darkness of the winter season living through me in the nights. Making me want to sleep through time and yet Bengaluru is calling. Gathering my assets the challenge is brin...
Read more