The Manifest

 

It's been over two weeks since the lifequake. Two weeks since all my strength was drained out of me, leaving me deranged, stranded in the middle of nowhere. After two weeks now finally the lifequake has turned into the manifest. A manifest that is shining bright in all its details represented in him. A to the K to the A to the K აქაქი meaning ნათელი. A manifest that couldn't have been stronger. And it came with the rain in the early morning hours just like the lifequake itself.

It's 4.20am. I wake up from the heavy rain drumming on the top of the roof. I go to the toilet, I feel my sense of security shaking. From two weeks before. I go back to bed, pull the blanket over me up to my chin. I close my eyes. My thoughts and feelings from the past days start circulating inside of me. I cannot sleep. All my emotions, all my hurt about all the men I was with especially capital A to the K in my mind. I want closure, I want closeness, warmth. I want to be loved. My thoughts whirlwind intertwining past with future. My experiences from different times and places entangling into the now. 

I see myself going to town to buy groceries. ბოსტნეული. 7,5km. I start walking. I will be picked up. He will take me. Bumble she said on the phone earlier. I get hooked again. No not just now. Maybe only when I come back from town there will be no need for that anymore because I will have an adventure in the real world like I know it from around here. A guy in a car will come to pick me and give me what I need. For two hours I feel how I manifest everything between money ფული, my shopping, a guy, intimacy and წყალი მინერალური ნაბეღლავი.

When I wake up a few hours later, feeling a bit smashed I decide to skip the yoga, only have my coffee and pack it. I will just walk, finally move my legs and see where it takes me. It takes me where I knew it would take me. After a half hour a car stops next to me, a young man picks me up. I'm not the least bit surprised. I know all of what will happen next. It's as if I'm the director watching my own movie that I've already played in my head before. He takes me to town. ბოსტნეული I tell him and he takes me to the vegetable shop. I already know where this is going as he seems determined to run the errands with me. Grabbing all the veggies I need, he is also determined to pay so I let him. I let everything happen as I wish. This is my movie.

Asking me if I wanna eat ხაჭაპური, I agree. Yes, it's time. I even was craving for it, leaving without breakfast for a reason. He keeps going on about having to go to ბახმარო to work on a house. I shake my head. I just came out for food. Sitting down to get our early lunch, he lets me pick a lemonade and disappears for a bit after writing down his name that I have never heard before when I was sure to know all male Georgian names. There it is. I don't even realize in the moment but only later A to the K times two. How in the world? What is it with me and the names? Didn't I say no more AKAK? Then it comes to me. That's part of the game. Of course it is. The universe only receives the information as it is. The content but no negations. It does not catch any NO or NOT. So the not again turned into two. Amazing. 

When he returns we eat our  ხაჭაპური and he proposes a new plan which includes changing the car, drinking wine, going to Bakhmaro to spend a night there and return the next morning. At first that plan is even less appealing to me but then I think about it and all I really need is some warm ტანსაცმელი and a შხაპი. He agrees to the plan, takes me back to the house while he is changing the car returning 20 minutes later. Only then I realize his name and can't stop laughing. People can believe in coincidences all they want, they haven't lived my life.

When I get into his new German car, the წვიმა has already started again, making the atmosphere gloomy and my trip even more enjoyable. While I grab the bottle of bubbles from the house he's already gotten another one from the tiny shop. Bubbles. Bakhmaro. It throws me back in time. Three years ago exactly. Similar scenario. სამი წლის წინ დავითი. Yes back then it was Davit that haunted me today it's A to the K. Opening the bottles I'm ready for whatever comes. Road trip. Finally. Out of the house finally coming to life again in all the ways I was wishing for.

He puts on the only CD that's in the car. WIND OF CHANGE. How suitable. Yes wind of change, season of change. A scenario that I in its entirety have created myself. Singing along I feel free and light. I'm laughing. Even the lack of communication I have prepared with intention in need to practice my Georgian. Did I realize how I did not practice in weeks and how I needed a Georgian person who didn't speak any English. Just like the times before in ლინას თავგადასავალი საქართველოში. This language barrier making this whole adventure possible in the first place. Driving through the heavy rain, the clouds moving, it is just after noon and I already feel light and tipsy.

Arriving, he grabs four more bottles of sparkly. No I am not surprised. I know this is about how many liters. So Georgian. After all it's only three and we have a whole afternoon, evening and night to pass in this unfinished wooden shed without electricity, water or a toilet. Only three metal bed frames with bed sheets and pillows are inside and the weather is wet and cold. As the drinking continues my mind becomes მოღრუბლული fast. Blurry. Everything else that happens remain sensations. A drunk head, a heavy blanket, cold air and...

One more detail from my wish list occurs when he hands me 100 Lari for reasons I still don't know and I am happy about the language barrier because this is the ფული I have asked for. I wanted it gifted to me and it is. Nothing seems strange to me on this 24 hour trip that brings back my life spirits to me including my beloved mineral water on the way back. Six liters of fresh წყალი მინერალური ნაბეღლავი. ჩემი საყვარელი. Not to forget my real favorite. The other ჩემი on my hand. ჩემი გოგო. He would not miss to let me hear my favorite words while I feel the soft skin of his hand on mine. 

Nothing more to expect from that situation. A closed scenario as I prefer it to stay away from all the unnecessary hurt that would be caused, all the anger, frustration and misunderstandings that would arise once I would understand his language or he mine. 

Rising in the early morning hours again and again we finally go to his relative's house where I get my long longed for hot coffee and some sweet waffles. For over an hour I warm up in front of the oven before I receive an extra pack of chocolate for me to take home. Success. Full success on all levels. Answering his reoccurring question for me to come again a week later with a weak smile, I think he understands well what this was. Exactly what it was. My call to return back to life. Fully energized ready to face the world again. 

Returning to the synchronicities of life, enjoying what I have and how far I’ve come, reconnect to people, socialize, wake up. My body for the first time in full power when I step on the yoga mat the next morning. Something has changed. I got my power back. My control. It's not the same. It's what I make of it. How I see it, how I feel it. Again some lost connection come back to my mind. One L double PP only crosses my mind briefly, a split second like a light wind caressing my mind and all I can think is I don't want to hear from you again. As reliable as the Universe ushers around my wishes these days, I find nothing less than an email on my phone after my meditation. One L, double PP. Yes I said I do NOT want to hear from him again. Oh there it was again. The Universe doesn't understand negations. Yes of course not mine but the other one who showed up in summer to remind me of how great of a person I am for what I want to do with my life. He is back in Georgia, asking me how I'm doing. Yes the Universe is great. It's listening always. Only we need to start learning how to precisely send our wishes out to make sure we receive the desired gifts we were asking for. That’s all it is. A Manifest.