Living inside a Two sided Mirror

 The man's curse is my woman's blessing. A is for Asshole. A is for Angel. In the country of contradictions where everything seems to be a curse and blessing at the same time, I find myself eternally confronted with the same topics, throwing me into a turmoil of endless spirals winding me up and down pushing me back and forth, leaving me exhausted, stressed beyond what I can take. Beyond what I want to bear. Physically mentally drained from apparently nothing.

Nothing I am much able to express in words anyway until I go meet her for coffee as we did for the past three days. As I saw myself confronted with all the same things before is when she enters the stage, I find myself seen, understood, safe and held. An angel connection literally quite finding myself in the spiral of As that seem to teach me until I will learn. Surrounded by masculine as well as feminine As I seem to face all the same destiny repeatedly with absolutely no exception. One month back in the country I find myself in the exact same contexts of madness as before, washing over me almost unbearably with the only difference of now being familiar with them. 

Every encounter with a masculine A pushing me beyond my limits, to my breaking point, leaving me drained while simultaneously one or more female As will enter the same space and hold it. Always on the verge of falling I'm being caught just like exactly three month ago in my second favorite country of madness. Abused and manipulated I am being offered safe space and healing from an Angel who has become one of my closest companions just like her here now.

It's not even noon but 11:11 I rush down the beach trying to reach the café as fast as possible while the sweat is already washing all over me again just as I come out of the shower. The temperatures and humidity have are hardly bearable as my stressful morning and night are additionally heating me up from the inside. I’m a nervous wreck although I don’t wanna admit it.

Better to speak to my females. The last days have been a wonderful blessing. Three days of yoga, swimming, nature, womanhood, companionship, sharing wisdom, having fun, exchanging experience supporting our growth and needs. Holding space for each other physically and mentally. 

Laying on our backs in the backwaters of Kerala, watching the sky sun setting paddling to the other side I smile when our instructor refers to my swimming and yoga skills asking why they are not following me. And so they do. The sharing in safety in connection to nature, creating a home and place where we are understood is exactly what I need.

As soon as I step out of that space for my worldly needs of organizing my travels the reality of Indian madness hits me on the spot like a monsoon. While I receive another angelic message from the festival weeks ago, not surprisingly being an A reviving our time together, I tap into the same space on the male side the next day. But first to the Angelic message.

I Soo enjoyed our time together and I think for me the best part of the festival, was meeting you and getting to spend all the time with you! You are so grounded and full of wisdom, I learned so much from you and working together was so easy, and you helped so much, I am eternally grateful to you for helping make the stall a success and standing by my side throughout 🌞 bless you!! After the festival I have been with my family since they come only once a year, first in the Himalayas for Christmas and new year and now in Bali for 10 days, it’s my first time here. Getting a chance to catch up on sleep, and going to yoga classes sometimes 2-3 a day because there are so many interesting different teachers and topics here ranging from meditation to rewiring the nervous system and yoga womb therapy etc 🤩 

I would love to get you a gift from here to express my gratitude to you for all the help and being the best team mate. I don’t know what you need but they have everything here from vegan snacks to clothes , baskets and jewellery boxes, I know you are a traveler so I don’t want to bog you down with something impractical so thought I’ll ask before getting something

I'm touched deeply. These words needed so desperately, I lie in bed exhausted a little teardrop falling from my eye. I think back about our talks, how well we connected. I think about A here right now and I feel grateful for the last days and the beautiful encounters with the women I have had. Directly bringing it all back into the here and how where I return to my old place, a young Indian man waiting for me as eager to know me, have conversations with me, to understand my mind, to open up and learn as the first one in Bengaluru and yet restricting his mind the same, having the same limited horizon for being absolutely incapable of opening up his mind or understanding even the tiniest bit of who I am as I have a personality, something that’s unknown around here. The collective identity making everyone one and the same without any individual traits. Catching me directly in the same loop, the Indian spotlight that seems to be my personal curse to break through. My own personal curse of being in the blind, the dark while the sweetest guys come to mirror it to me in their absolute pure innocence of cultural infiltration, projecting their tiny reality over and over again on me.

Lina here I brought you postcards. He's handing me cards AND a fresh pineapple juice he just prepared before in the kitchen. Heaven. I'm blessed. Walking in the early afternoon heat for over 40 minutes, wishing for exactly that. My favorite. A sweet treatment I could need exactly in that moment. Full of hope and excitement asking me if I was staying a few minutes I sit on the couch and ask them to check trains with me. Knowing for days that they are booked out I don't wanna give up checking them some more times. The atmosphere is sweet and salty just like my favorite refreshment drink. The sweet and salty lime soda I made him two days ago that he enjoyed so much. I feel the subtle tension from my side as the communication has always a light touch of being the educator, schooling them about life or even just how to communicate, talk to me, going fully all in when just when I am about to leave he is asking me to take a picture with him after having asked me to write HIM the card and to send HIM a message if I want company at the beach.

It feels like their reality is a complete twist of mine. Everything goes completely the other way around. They tell me what they want from ME or what they want to do for ME. It is them deciding what is of service or asking for what they want of my service. What they fail to do is being of service FOR ME. For my needs, for my feelings, for my support because they have absolutely no idea, no tools or strategies to access their mind. The wisdom of their brains. It is like their mind is limited to whatever has been implemented into them early on from society. Remotely controlled by something higher that doesn't exist limiting their potential to an absolute minimum, keeping them frozen, ignorant in the dark of their own intelligence and intellect, leaving them with absolutely nothing. Blunt, only living in their own little tiny black box that contains nothing but all the same cultural superstitions, whatever may have been the social background. 

One and the same perspective that doesn't go further than five centimeters around their own head, being just reflected back and forth by each and every individual. No observation of the outside world. No observation of how people function, what they do, what they say, what they mean, what they need. It is like a deeply frustrating game for me that's seems to endlessly repeat itself unless I find a way to change my own perception and feelings about it.

Having written my card and having HIM asking ME what HE should write on HIS card for me, having him telling ME to text HIM, then wanting to take a picture, I am almost at my highest point of frustration again. The tension in me so strong it's like an overwhelming wave washing over me that's coming from the deepest place inside of me, of all my hardship being reflected back to me on and on I find myself as all the million times before with the same person trying to explain the world them. Trying to explain my world to the same person as I have done for all my life for as long as I can remember. Transporting nothing into nowhere. Having blank oblivious faces in front of me, ignorant and ignoring, not having the capacity to receive my messages, I am transmitting out my wisdom to the planet of non existence. To the planet of madness. Of the unseen and untouchables.

Peaking finally this morning when my classic scenario of trying to book transportation for the last time ends in the same nothingness as all the times before. A restless night, not the first one thanks to the same mentality, physical and mental distress having completely overtaken me. My only positive outlook my Angelic connection between the worlds. The one whose roots are here and yet her mentality is with me. Every time I meet her I see my hurt soothed, my pains shared, my heart felt, my wounds healed. It's like she can directly take the heaviness from me by standing in the same spot, that lost battlefield with me, holding the space, making it a safe space. A space of light coming with her understanding of it. Knowing it all too well understanding it on a different level.

All my hardship caught directly by her own stories, sharing one herself from the night before, nothing less than all that I know, one more from the girl we met at dinner. Women's experiences shared finally becoming wisdom we find ourselves making different decisions in the mirror of what we know now. From us, from ourselves, from our peer group. Coming from a place of goodness tending to idealistically wanting to believe everything we hear and see we are taught something else in this ego maniac world that proves us wrong every single time without an exception. 

I feel the pain. I see the light, I feel (the) light. Pain shared is pain divided. Love shared is love multiplied. I can feel it all at once. I'm ok again. I can befriend where I am. I can befriend my feelings, my emotions and what I'm going through. I can see that I'm not alone. I feel the madness slowly wringing out of me. I laugh in desperation and in the light of being seen. It always works. The power of sharing. The power of standing together in our experiences. The power of being courageous enough to open up, to share when we feel safe to make ourselves visible. To be seen by the world. For who we are. For love. For connection. For us.