These Days

 These days. These days that I feel so disconnected and connected at the same time. That I feel like nothing is happening and everything is happening at the same time. That I am not so sure how to really exist and at the same time I am. These days that I feel like I am too much and I am not enough. But mostly not enough. Not looking on my bank account because I am afraid what I will see. Not looking in the mirror because I am afraid what I will see. Not looking into the inside because I don't find the discipline. Not holding through my practice giving in before.

As I start typing surely my master from last year is showing up right in front of me. I thought about him. Earlier. I think about so many things these days. So many people and places, encounters and conversations. Perceiving so many notions these days. Unable to give them names. Random thoughts, perceptions, ideas. Observations about myself and the world  around me. About people surrounding me physically and others I take note of through other channels. It's these days that I feel like I don't have orientation. 

In one moment I feel so happy and fulfilled, proudly walking out of my yoga class having again accomplished something new, meeting a new friend, having conversations, going out, enjoying life, eating the best food, feeling like I could not live a better life. 

The next moment I feel utterly lost, insufficient, discontent, unsure about everything, feeling like I don't understand anything and yet everything at the same time. Everything is simple and easy yet complex and complicated. The dynamics of synesthesia. I cannot even name it. I feel lost. Like there is so much inside of me deeply buried. Hope, fear, love, longing, anxiousness and disorientation. Confusion mostly about myself and the world itself. 

I have no appetite and then again a lot. The food is quenching my thirst. Stilling my thirst with peanut butter balls and masala. This is not how it's supposed to be. But then how is it supposed to be? Sometimes it goes straight into my soul and sometimes straight into my mind. My head to be precise. Everything is doing exactly that these days. It's going directly into my heart or into my mind. Making me feel either alive, connected and in the right place at the right time like I am the luckiest person on earth or going into my head making me feel like there is so much that I could improve. That I should improve. That I need to learn. So much that I want. That I want to be or want to have. Or where I want to be or with whom I want to be.

As I am typing he's walking by again. Master M how I used to call him. Makes me smile these memories. Still somehow his aura is affecting me. For all I know it's not even really him but the mere notion of seeing someone familiar. Someone that somehow I still feel like I could share things with. My memories from last year and the experiences with him when he helped me through some confusion finding just the right words when I felt lost. The memories bringing up a blend of notions just like everything else in these days. Everything seems to be a memory, a reminder, a door to open or to close, a chance or an idea for something new to change. And all of it just seems confusing. Too many options and at the same time none at all. 

I try to make my way out of it. Get my mind out of it and let things flow. Just let them happen which seems to be amazingly difficult as I've been going around trying to plan my March with different options popping up every day while I am trying to hold on to one or two possibilities and safe my space for the next month. 

Between trust and responsibility. Between all my options I still feel kind of like I am missing something. I feel like I am not truly listening to my heart or wishes but more to my fears. To the known. To the familiar as I am flying around like a lost leave in the wind. Giving in, needing to improve, to progress, move forward. 

In the capital of where it had all begun it is not surprising that the energies of the questions of life are high. Higher than anywhere else. The confrontation of who you are and where you stand in life, what to do with your life omni present. Everywhere all the time. Not single encounter goes by without a meaningful conversation or intake no matter how small. And yet none of it is lasting. Everyone determined to find the next more meaningful source of wisdom.

Everyone chasing their  studies, their healings, their workshops. Eating, breathing, massaging, sounding, practicing, working out, meditating, moving, resting, learning, acquiring more skills, trying to heal the soul some more, trying to understand the world a bit more, live life a bit better, expanding their intellectual knowledge, reaching a new level of  wisdom, of enlightenment.  Reaching a higher frequency (whatever that even means) by uncovering yet another layer of trauma. Working through another hidden part of their shadow, unraveling another long forgotten truth, unlearning another toxic pattern that's hindering their growth, development, process, progress, unfolding, transformation; the terminology is endless.

Everything always dissolving at all times all around. Life. Only here in Mother India, in the capital of spirituality itself it is ever present without a break. The biggest gurus, greatest masters, best teachers and their disciplined disciples making me feel absolutely deficient. Inadequate at times and then again not. When I look at it creating a smile in my face when I realize that this is not how you find your freedom to happiness. Then I laugh at all of it and am happy that I am managing everything on my own. Studying on my own, not following any specific self announced Guru or this one particular teaching but keep my mind open and allow myself to rest. Take time for myself as the words of Master M still sound in my ears from last year.

Take time for myself to rest and eat cake, have my ice cream coffees and chocolates, take a break from my strong yoga classes until I fall into that place again where I see how seemingly everyone is doing more than me. Taking multiple classes every day, developing their practices, knowing more than me, being capable of more than me and then again I am unsure about everything I am once more.

How I live my life, if I should practice more, what I should practice more. All that I'm lacking, all that I'm missing, all that I'm longing for, all my cravings and desires. Back to human nature that only causes discontentment and dissatisfaction for no reason when everything here and now is perfectly fine as it is.

I see them beautiful women practicing the hardest yoga asanas, traveling the most beautiful places, living their best dream life, earning their money with their talents and passions, sharing their knowledge and feel like I fail on life itself when I know there is no such thing. Reading when they are sharing their thoughts, I find their words more beautiful and accurate than mine. Hearing them speak I find their expressions more eloquent and precise than mine could ever be. Seeing their lifestyle singing, dancing, writing, traveling, making music, practicing, connecting with others, having found their tribe, I find their lifestyle more appealing and desirable than mine. If not to say a lifestyle I wish I was brave enough to finally pursue.

Because.... I feel like I am failing life at times as I am searching for my home, my place, my purpose finally realizing it, bringing it into existence, doing what I'm here for. For all that I am all that I want to share with people like me in a safe space. They do. And I don't. Lost. Lost somewhere along the lines.

And yet everyone is. And yet no one has a perfect life and yet and still it's so hard for me in my heart to feel that truth when all around I face the apparently spiritually enlightened souls who meditate their way into the day, shining their light throughout the day, sharing how blissful everything is, studying their newly accomplished skills while I sit and sip on my cold coffee, greedily stuffing my fried sandwich into my mouth. One moment feeling like a goddess doing it and the next asking myself if I also should rather drink a detox juice, read the eight limbs of yoga and go to the next meditation circle.

I am asking myself if I rather wanna go trekking in the amazingly beautiful mountains of the Nepali Himalayas once I am there, looking for the rainbow or get back as fast as I can and continue my practice. I am asking myself if I will stay here in cozy touristy Tapovan where the crowd will just grow overly busy buzzy in March maybe creeping me out even more over my identity or move to the other side and find a more down to earth community. I am contemplating whether I wanna do a volunteering or keep on going with my free and flexible living the day lifestyle. I am contemplating which class to take next and what will happen if I live on the other side and cannot take them anymore.

Between love and fear in the extremes I only feel the subemotions, subtle originating in either one of them, sometimes unable to identify them correctly. I seem to be endlessly confused on which path to take. Not knowing if I wanna go to my room like every day to chill and read a book, watch my crime series and scroll through instagram or if I wanna go out, meet with people, join the Kirtan fest, sing, dacne or run to the next event, having meaningful conversations. Between hiding and exposing myself. Socializing and turning inward. Introverting. Between too much and not enough. I might just be exactly in the middle.

Strangely ok while I cannot fall asleep for nights and days. Reflecting all the same thoughts and notions. Neither tired nor full of power. Waking up in this cloudy state every morning while the days move on. Still being fully alive but yet not quite. Aching in every bone and muscle, yet not feeling enough pain to not practice. Exhausted and yet energized in every class. Working my way through not quite sure whether to sleep or to wake. Whether to cry or to laugh. To rest or to move. To be still or loud. Whether to be outside or inside. Whether to go left or right. Whether I  want sweet or salty, warm or cold. And so I exist on and on. Sometimes content, sometimes deeply sad and yet somehow grateful. Grateful at all times. And happy and lucky and sad and hurt and longing for deep love all at the same time. 

As I am only human. And a wonderful one so. Even when I don't seem to be able to feel it at times.

Next thing I know, I leave the cafe and run into her like a few times before these days. When I arrived I felt happy to have a friend here. But once people start finding their place, their community, their people, they stop caring so much. I care. Constantly I care as this is what I am. I give and give. I share. Talking to her, she's smiling at me telling me about her hunt for a home while I have nothing better to do for days and weeks than to share my contacts for everyone to find a home -including her- while struggling to find my own. While she is standing in front of me smiling proudly sharing that she is not sharing her sources. Yes she's got her people now. Letting herself be escorted around on the scooty by her Indian friend from the school. This is Rishikesh. In this moment I realize what it is that makes me feel at loss. In lack and need at times. It's being in the biggest bubble of community while I am still alone. While I feel always alone. And while I always have the feeling that nobody cares about me as I care about them. 

People know to approach me for contacts, for connecting them. And yet while I am sitting in my room typing, no one cares how I feel as everyone is busy with their own life schedules improving themselves, having the most meaningful of everything. I care. And then sometimes in these quiet moments, I feel that loss as nobody seems to care the way I do. As I feel in lack of warmth and love like so often in my life missing a consistent source of this passionate love that I'm craving so much. Love for me. That source that really only is inside of me. I just want someone to give me a long hug and never let me go.