Ever Returning

When I wake up the next morning our trip to the caves is canceled. My friend is sick. I actually don’t mind at all. I could very well use this last day to enjoy everything that I love so much about that place. Have the last hours to soak it all in for the last time. Digest. I do as I wish and use the early hours again to start my round by going down to Ganga. But first Chai stop at Most famous Mo. A typical overly funny morning scene is taking place making me laugh a lot before I make my way down to my favorite spot at Maa Ganga. 

Exactly where I got to know the French man a week before, handing me the flowers, I set the flower flame that today I accepted from the flower lady on the water once more and watch the little boat following the stream of the river. My heart knows what it’s wishing for. 

Looking at the Gangs in all its Peace, I’m reminded of the story of the King who wanted to become immortal that J tells when he’s doing my tattoo to distract me from the pain. How he was going to India to find the wisest saints to tell him how to become immortal to realize in the end that we can only see the beauty, appreciate the most precious moments of life because they are limited and because they are ending which is only what makes them precious in the end. 

This moment right here on my last day when the morning sun is slowly fighting its way out behind the clouds, is a quiet reminder of just that. The beauty I see and the appreciation I feel for that moment is directly connected to my knowing that this is also the last time I will be sitting here for a long time. One of the most beautiful mornings I’ve had at Maa Ganga.

Making my way up, I’m discussing which one to take. I decide for the busy road up. Timing decision. I walk straight into the arms of the deep tissue massage guy from the week before. Last spring. He stops me chatting, offers Chai, I recline. He points me to wait and returns with another gift. Ganesha and Mantra Mala beads. Return of the Ganesha. My heart is smiling. He hugs me and says. I really love you. With a warm feeling in my heart I keep walking into my French massage friend’s friend who was just on my mind for our shared Ganesha. He tells me they’re meeting back down if I wanna join. I think for a second then decide to let it go. Always forward, never backward. I tell him to say hi and continue upward.

The second time I say no in just the right moment to walk into exactly his arms when I stop to take off my clothes at the junction where the roads split. Taking off my sweater I feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s him. I’m so happy. I tell him, we smile, he’s looking deep into my eyes. He knows how I’m feeling. We’re hugging, he’s bowing down making sure to look into my eyes just one more time before making his way down. Full full full my heart is. With love. 

I get a juice. Morning boost. I need the vitamins. I walk into my favorite sound healer girl who knows my heart well. We hug. I love her a lot. She manages in this world. She understands my torn heart.

This morning is going exactly in the same synchronicity flow like the days before. I think about asking my sick video friend if she needs anything from Tulsi. I walk up, I walk into my riding woman for the next day, walk up the stairs and there she sits. Suisse video girl number II telling me that she’s coming also. We’re sharing our toasts and sandwiches, exchanging stories about our past and about our torture master. He’s your friend? Oh indeed he is. Finally we dive deep into the Indian culture and especially our experiences with men, our hurt, our background, our learnings. She’s listening to my story going back to A. I feel calm about my experiences and all that I’ve learned from them. I’m at peace. The sharing and knowing creating mutual trust and bonding.

To finish off I get another holistic massage contact. Having inhaled enough drinks and beverages which are addictive like drugs, I slurp on my huge delicious milk coffee before I’ll get to my therapy afternoon from one to the next appointment. 

The Last day bringing full power magic again. Into our little perfect bubble. That is yet so real it seems to be like a fantasy world sometimes.

My treatment guy is on time. He’s sweet, he knows what he’s doing, asking me detailed questions to understand what he could do for me. Very gently he uses three different treatments on me. I feel very comfortable and grateful how much he cares about my wellbeing. A good one and a half hour later I give him a testimony, he gives me a sweet treat. Every single person today gifting me and it will go on like this. I go to my next holistic massage. This one indeed is the best treatment I could receive. 

Indian style a tiny room hard to find without asking people and neighbors, one massage bed, a few blankets. A tea kettle. The room is cozy and smells from different scents and oils. The therapist is extremely attentive, knows exactly what he’s doing, covering every centimeter of my body with three blankets because of the cold, only uncovering the part he’s massaging. Different methods and techniques, I feel he’s going in every corner of my sore body. Absolutely wonderful. The best decision. When I wake up to the real world after over two hours, he hands me a bottle of water and we talk. He’s the sweetest humble person like all the people around me these days. And of course it’s not ending just yet.

When I leave the room, I have messages from my tattoo J asking to meet in a way that it sounds urgent and my torture teacher asking where I am to meet for my last evening. I go for my dinner and tell them both. Five minutes later J arrives, coming to me short chitchat, handing me some 500 bills. Just like N he returns a third of the money I gave him the day before back to me. I look at him. All so humble. My heart is overflowing again from all the kindness. He has to go, says he will come in the morning to say bye and leaves me with tears in my eyes, taking one breath after another, processing all the beautiful moments of the last hours. Days. 

It takes no more than five minutes that N and my Suisse friend turn up from class. N with a smile in his face as always ah look at her already she’s crying. I’m smiling and tell them why. Another dinner meeting with our favorite topics once more Guru Ji Master M a topic. I start understanding that he’s clearly even among locals and foreigners enemy number one. For good reasons. Everyone seems to see his unacceptable personality easily. Behaving ignoring and ugly in disrespectful ways. Having had their fair share just like me. Conscious or unconscious it’s my release through them, now sitting here with people I can genuinely call my friends. 

A last walk up to eat Momos and have our full power guys join the circle for some more laughter and sharing. N’s fanclub. It’s so inspirational how authentic, how confident he’s fully being himself with such kindness, openness and understanding for everyone and everything. Surely he’s gifting me his signature AdiYogi I may actually need for the next weeks to come and chocolates for the trip. Also giving me one for my fellow travel lady for the next day who’s just as great of an admirer of him as a teacher and person. 

The night has come to an end and I will make my way home. Tired, happy, sad, full and deeply emotional. Tears and tears and tears again until the next morning. I wake up early. I sit on the balcony and cry, more tears just naturally running down my face as they go on when I sit in the car. Front seat all the lovely ladies gave me. Sharing their same experiences from this holy place. The peace, the freedom, the kindness of the giving, receiving so much love, care, gifts. The secret of acceptance, flow, non resistance and care for one another. Things we cannot explain to people who haven’t been here before. Things that are so contrary to what we know in the west where selfishness is a virtue. 

It may have been the shortest time I’ve been but at the same time maybe also the most intense and precious. The most moving. A time that gives me new perspectives on how I wanna live my life. One thing I know for sure in my heart - I don’t wanna live my life without that place in it. At least for the nearer future it’s too much a part of me. Now I consider people friends that maybe before I have not seen as such. Now I feel the love of so many old and new souls. For the ever returning. Like me.