My Universal Star - A Ghost from the Past

 Seems we're always meeting in the snow... I'm thinking while looking at the picture from almost four years ago. How did that even happen? How does any of this really happen? Just when I take a screenshot of the old me in the snow storm, my mind is trying to remember details.

He's a traveler, photographer - a good one. I love the pictures. Now he's in Berlin. I'm having a photo shooting she will say a few minutes later as if my own thoughts have again been manifesting outside of me. Like my thoughts have been wandering in strange directions. A yoga clothing brands. A universal one. Produced in Rajasthan. I see who is making them. It needs branding with the zodiacs. Pictures.

A few days back I see his story. He moved to Berlin. Random. We text. I have the feeling he must be near. Somehow. I don't even know him. I hardly remember at all. It's Friday. It surely has been another week of random manifestations. I feel like things are just happening for me. Invitations from life coming in every day. Everything is crystal clear to me. Everything that happens brings out new ideas in me. New activity. 

You're so cute Lina. She says more than once. If I looked like you I would come to work in a swim suit. You can wear anything. Balm for the soul. Everything I read and hear resonating deep inside of me. Explanations from my past, late healing, explaining how I have suffered. Why. How I am designed. Designed for something that seems to be starting to take place just now after years of being stuck. 

After years of studying, learning, understanding myself. Self knowledge it seems to all interlink right now. Remotely without my doing. As if I'm done doing and only now receive. Answers, messages, invitations. Everywhere.

Physio. He's sick. A new therapist. My toe. Long time no see. It's filling with blood heating up, it's painful. Turning blue, purple, black. A reminder from old times. From the cold maybe. Again the snow. They don't seem to care or to know what to do with this. Time to go home. Ask the specialist the next day. Genetics. He's not impressed either. Nothing to do about it. I'm not injured enough f0r someone to help me and yet not functioning enough to not have pain and deficiency in my body. Somewhere in between and no one seems to know how to find the balance I need. How to find the right cure, a plan, the right movement. The awareness I need, the practice I need. Technology won't help either. Surprising. It's not a flex I think. The specialist thinks I'm not special. Only he is. Thus the name. 5% of humanity has the same condition and yet the all knowing source of information also seems to only have extremely limited advice. I'm wondering. No one ever cared to go into that topic. It's 5% of humans having the same physical condition. And yet no one interested enough to do something about it structurally. 

Well I am. Another invitation. An invitation to go and research, become creative again for my own wish to heal. Make a plan. A structure that can actually hold me. Creative. It's what my mind seems to have become. Back to old passions my brother's birthday inspires me to go back after a long left hobby of mine. A heartfelt passion. Vegan baking. The cooking has come naturally and now I'm back baking the best cookies I've eaten in a long time. This said being my own hardest critic.

Flow. Flow everywhere. I'm with everything I do. With it. In it. When I eat I eat. When I read I read. When I clean I clean. When I work I work. When I listen I listen. When I sleep I sleep. And how so... My alarm having become unnessary as my own energy will wake me every morning reliably an hour before I have to wake up. My energy seems to be distributed just ideally for me to smoothly move through the days without effort. Without force. Just with being where I am, doing what I do. Existing to the fullest. Consciously and aware. Aware with every fiber in my body. Connected. To myself. Deeply. In this place where all sorrow disappears. An empty mind he calls it. A silent mind. True meditation. I have become my own best meditator. My own guru somehow. Like we all have them inside. Where did it start? How did that happen? When? Will it end? Unnecessary questions.

This year... Starting once more between the worlds, the worlds seem to have shifted. Moved together. For me. With me.

First she comes from where we met and where I just returned from... my love, my soul, my ever lasting remedy... she comes to see me for a whole weekend - wholly fully stirring up the magic in various ways. Intensely, overwhelmingly, loudly, quietly in tears and in laughter... It seems to become the starting point of something else. Something new. Something I've been waiting for. My energy, my authentic light coming through. Just everywhere. Everything becomes magic. 

I remember these times a few years back when everything felt like it was meant to be. Every moment, every encounter, every word out of people's mounths, every little detail as if god had planned it just for me. It was when the stars started changing. And now after all these years they have changed again. It's what she says to me before leaving. Hugging me tightly, holding me close around my waste. My UNIVERSAL STAR. She has gotten into my heart. She felt it. She's is mirroring my all, my energy. She's holding me up. She's cheerleading. She sees what I see. She feels what I feel. She's in awe for me. With me. She's developing the same energy, the excitement, the gratitude, the amazement, the enthusiasm I hardly find in others. She is generating energy, promoting what's already there. Lifting up mine naturally effortlessly.

Only days later she tells me she is moving here. Just like he did. They are coming to me. As they were meant to. For the longest time. Finally your crowd will come to you. They will come find you. The right people, your crew, your base, your community that you have been wishing for/searching for - for so many years. Finally they will help you realize your dreams.

Friday afternoon. Cookies are packed, stability against mobility work done. I'm excited for the evening to be with my family, my brothers specifically. I grab the bottles to deposit, walk out just a few moments early in a wonderful mood. I cross the traffic light, music in my ears and... pause just for a split second leaning my head slightly to the side to peak under the hoody of a young man standing next to the light. My spleen telling me this might be him. I hesitate. I have a gut feeling although I can hardly remember him or know him at all... Let alone his dark lose clothes covering his entire appearance.

I walk a few more steps... I'm too curious. What if this was really him? Here in the snow again in the deep winter somewhere in Berlin. It isn't entirely impossible when yet unlikely. I take the phone out of my pocket and text him. This guy had the phone in his hand so if it was him he may as well see my message... I keep walking, check my phone again and... bingo. He's texted asking where I was... it was him. I walk back with a smile on my face. What in the universe... There of that feeling of him being near.

We hug, we start chatting for a bit. I'm trying to take everything in, soak up the moment, feel the energy. We talk about back then, now, our traveling, how it feels. I tell him I can hardly recognize him and realize in just that moment that if I cannot even recognize his face while speaking to him, neither his physical appearance nor his energy, how in the world did I anyhow know it was him??? It feels like I have never met this person before. Like I literally do not know the person in front of me. He is a young good looking stylish guy. Easy to talk to, friendly and open minded. Nothing reminds me of the guy I got to know almost four years ago. Nothing remarkable that would give me any certain impulse. My mind has stopped judging. Stopped projecting. I only see him here now as he is. Back then... Different.

Yes I've changed a lot he says. Also my hair. Many people say that. Indeed he is right about that. But that's not really it. It is everything. Not just a look, his physical appearance. He's changed his whole identity. Somehow. Including his name. That I've only asked him few days before. A ghost from the past. Hidden under a hoody in dark cold Berlin. A totally different person. And yet I seem to have picked up on his vibe. Intuition? The intuition that I was always missing. The intuition that has mislead me to the wrong people... Men in particular... Wait... An insight is arising inside of me when I walk away, trying to understand our encounter. It's not him. It's me. A realization is slowly coming to me. He's merely a mirror of my own process of the last four years. The years since the stars have changed. It's strange, it's new. I am new, a new version. I've only experienced such a thing one or two times in my life and... it was always a mirror of how I had changed inside. How my perception has changed.

He was one of the first guys I have met at my first time in India. Before I have learned all that I have learned over the years in the most intense ways spending a total of over 16 months there.

He was an early encounter. Meeting a totally different version of me. And I meeting a totally different version of him. After such a long time. How I have put him down from his pedestal, not making him anything other than he is. Not bigger, not smaller, not more beautiful not more ugly. I just let him be as he is. He is the first mirror of this season to help me realize where I'm standing.

High on life. 

Did you know that children because they don’t have filters yet have all the areas of their brain activated? Whereas adults have many parts switched off, deactivated, blocked, locked? It would be unbearable as an adult to take the sensitivity of all the incoming messages from the universe in without going mad. It’s like being on drugs. I look at my mom. All these ‘new’ scientific discoveries. I’m smiling mildly. Logic. I could have made up that theory myself by just using my own mind. We see that in children. Naturally high they are just exactly how I have been feeling these days… High on life. Connected to it, to the universe, to myself, to all of it. 

The Universe’s kisses. Its infinite love. The love that keeps evolving around me from inside me, through me, out of me dissolving evolving ever lasting. The laws of the universe ingrained in me, lived through me as truth. It has me plugged back in.

My beloved little brother is coming. Later. As always. I haven’t seen him since last year. Before the shift. He is in his own universe that he doesn’t allow much access to. Not to me for the last 15 years really… but the shift is also moving through him. Just like my earlier encounter he looks different. Again like a person I see for the first time. The universe is funny today. I’m so glad he’s here. He’s probably the person I’ve loved most in my life, the most intense, the deepest. 

Since he was born into his big sister’s teenage arms. Caring for him like a mother. Truly and deeply I spent his first five years on this planet together with him. In my arms, listening to him, holding him, playing with him, eating with him, sleeping with him. Until the bond breaks, a new season begins for him and I lose him for some time. I will not let him go completely somewhere into nowhere. 

Today he is here again with us and I will not let him escape this time. I tell him that he will come with me after dinner. I don't live far, I'll show him, we'll grab a drink. I can't believe after so many years I have him with me again, being a big sister, alone with hime after all these years. My heart is warm, excited. Drinks are flowing, not as fast as he is chugging them down his throat. A young human being as I've once been. The more the better.  Viel hilft viel. He's the quiet type and yet he is not shy with me as I've been having him in my heart. Shy, drawn aback, timid. He feels safe with me. Still. I can tell. His observations are sharp. His perception intact, aware, attentive. More than other's. He has a gift. He doesn't know. Society has told him to be lost in himself too. I tell him the opposite. I tell him he is gold for he has something that others wish they did. A big gift, he would just have to discover it. To look at it and understand it. 

A few hours fly by whereas he's breaking the world record in chugging drinks until I run out and feel that he is a bit tipsy. I wanna take him to my beloved Gate between the worlds. Into the magical snowy mountains of the far away caucasus. I show him pictures. I tell him I'll manage it all. I can hold space for both of us. He just has to come. I wanna share what I love so much with him. The world I've lived in for so long, my beautiful other home. This is a good time. His tipsy eyes look like it would be better for him to go home but my gut tells me he's gonna join his friends for more. I cannot help but walk him to the subway. I feel responsible. I care. Care so much about this boy. 

Tired and a bit tipsy myself, I walk back in the cold night that has become even late for me. After ten. My natural inner clock reliably waking me up again despite the weekend.

Saturday. Before 7. Even the drinking wouldn't stop my body from rising. There are too many things in the world that my mind seems to want to explore. There are things to do, to create, to invent, to process.

Finishing the holy book that has accompanied my shift, freeing my mind, giving me more self knowledge, a perfect start into the day along with my beloved cappuccino in bed. A few hours pass. I feel the wine in my bones. In my weak eyes. I wish I was sleeping some more. But I'm up. Actively between bed and kitchen. It's baking, time again. This time I'll make them perfect. More than perfect. My favorite part. Experimenting the ingredients. Indeed I succeed easily. A bit more syrup, a bit less baking soda, three more salt flakes and two sugar grains less, more apple sauce. It's as if a greater intuition is leading me. There is no thinking. Just doing, presenting itself in the wholly wholesome result. My extra chewly vegan chocolate chip cookies I crave so much. It's around 10, the flat smells like freshly baked goods and for me it's time to step on the mat to generate my personalized exercise. Moving is heavy today. The muscles are hurting. I still move, trying to overcome my tiredness.

 Showering, cleaning, cooking, laundry, writing, reminiscing… it goes on and before it's even afternoon I feel like I wanna go back to sleep. But the day is just starting. I go see my friends. Tomorrow I'll have the day all to myself. Bed. Books. Studying, reading, writing, eating. Outside it's grey. Outside it's wet. Outside it's dark. But I'm on the inside with myself. Here and now.

The eyes see only what the mind is ready to comprehend.