My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

Walking yet another what feels like the hundreds time up and down in the streets of Tbilisi, I feel this curiosity inside of me, this urge to explore more and more. Having wandered the tiny alleys and vast roads for weeks now it seems this city is never ending in its charming magic. The wild mixture of old Georgian houses with their beautifully decorated balconies, hundreds of years old in the midst of Soviet monuments, classical buildings, mosaics, street art, renovated houses, large backyards across the city hosting the ever changing galleries of drying laundry, museums, hidden cafés, bars, restaurants offering stylish modern Western high class cuisine from Italian pizzapasta  over French Macarons to Japanese Ramen, frozen yogurt and chimney cake soft ice cream caramel brownie Oreo ice cream shops so colorful it’s impossible for me to look away, crossing over to the traditional rustic Georgian cuisine cellars and shops where you can find anything from fresh vegetables, fruits, ch...

I’m still breathing. I’m alive. But it’s hard to tell. Too much to digest. This broken trust. Again and again understanding that the things people say to you in your presence are not the same they will do in your absence and sometimes even not in your presence for that matter. My tears don’t want to end. After begging an uncountable time more say something to me, you write: “ok let’s end this friendship. You can go back to yourself.” All this rejection game, every time it hurts the same, putting my heart out there only to have it broken over and over again. To learn trust is something that’s easily breakable and often does. I don’t know when I will ever learn how to deal with this enormous uncontrollable pain of being left behind without a single word, not being worth the effort to even be understood, even when I know it’s protection my heart will not be able to let go of this betrayal, this devastating truth of being left. Again. Still holding the grudges. Clinging on to it. As soon a...

An Angel’s touch in times of heaviness. As I enter the dark tent to find what I didn’t know of, you take my hand, guide me into the dark room, whisper to find where I belong.  I haven’t had such a feeling of love and care in some time. From a stranger, unexpected touching me, his energy so familiar, he makes me feel safe, loved and wanted without ever having spoken to him or looked him in the eyes. Shapes and forms moving all around me, spherical music entering my ears. I lay back on one of these big sitting bags, drifting away to a different universe. Surrounded, absorbed into another world, where I can just be, exist and rest, I leave back into the dark corridor trying to find the exit when the same Angel’s touch takes my hand anew, guiding me to the next dark room. “This is the story of how our universe was created “. Again I lay back, rest my head on a pillow and dive into the next journey. Leaving the room my heart is touched, vulnerable, too vulnerable for the outside world. ...

The Holy Trinity Church  PACHAMAMA I’m still in pain. Every day. It keeps coming back to me in flashbacks and then it hits me like a boomerang. These moments from the past weeks. Every time I wanted to be asked, about my feelings, to have a conversation, every time I was dying to speak to you but didn’t get an answer. This frustration, this anger, this helplessness that was becoming so enormous that I felt like losing my whole self, my existence. Who I am, lost in the darkness. My deepest pain and biggest shadow of not being seen because I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, don’t do enough to be valuable enough to be spoken to haunted me every day drowning me deeper into the dark sea of loneliness. Day by day pushing me closer to the edge, over the edge, closer to the point of no return. After all the screaming and yelling at you in desperation to finally be heard I came back to get two things I forgot but instead I got something else, something bigger than that. A great gift of th...

August 2021 January 2022 Five months have passed since I’ve come here. Today. The chronicles of Georgia. It was August, it was hot, I had just arrived, I felt lost and unsure about where to go and what to do, the sun in my face, a smile on my lips, a false one, feeling lost in the world just like today. I’ve found my beautiful path through this amazing country that’s been guiding me so well through life, my journey, holding my space,  helped me getting up as I was falling. Now I’m sitting on top of the mountain feeling at my lowest. I look at the lake, the wind is blowing through my hair, my head is empty, my heart heavy. Gigantic waves of darkness keep sweeping over me. Waves of nothingness, of feeling lost in time and space. I can’t find my path, cannot see it in front of me anymore. A feeling of blur, floating in the clouds.  I thought I could be with you. With a friend in a safe space. A friend who could hold me, comfort me. Someone who would sit with me in care, ask me wh...