My Chronicles of Georgia

August 2021

January 2022

Five months have passed since I’ve come here. Today. The chronicles of Georgia. It was August, it was hot, I had just arrived, I felt lost and unsure about where to go and what to do, the sun in my face, a smile on my lips, a false one, feeling lost in the world just like today.

I’ve found my beautiful path through this amazing country that’s been guiding me so well through life, my journey, holding my space,  helped me getting up as I was falling. Now I’m sitting on top of the mountain feeling at my lowest. I look at the lake, the wind is blowing through my hair, my head is empty, my heart heavy. Gigantic waves of darkness keep sweeping over me. Waves of nothingness, of feeling lost in time and space. I can’t find my path, cannot see it in front of me anymore. A feeling of blur, floating in the clouds. 

I thought I could be with you. With a friend in a safe space. A friend who could hold me, comfort me. Someone who would sit with me in care, ask me what was going on inside of me, giving me warmth, a helping hand. 

Well. I couldn’t. As days of silence pass, days of not being seen, of not being heard, of being ignored and washed in loneliness, I feel more drained than before. I thought your kind heart and tender care could soothe my wounds, my fear of the future my instability of mind about where my life will take me, about my journey that has shaken me into the cold winds of life. 

Instead your presence brought me to my knees, being crowded in your silence, not noticed in my pain, not heard in my needs, no communication I have ever known could bring change. The more I tried to connect the less I was heard. Your presence suffocating me, making me burn, go up in flames. Your silence so loud nearly killing me, like a punishment. Like a torture tailor made for me personally to make my suffering deeper, more unbearable each second longer that you won’t speak a word to me like I’ve been tortured many times before. Not deserving of being spoken to, not deserving of being heard in any way no matter how loud I scream. Like a hurt child I scream my lungs out, I cry, I’m dead inside. You keep your wall up. No sign of releasing me. Silence.

You say you have no words since I’m insulting you, yet another excuse to make yourself feel comfortable in your Universe. You’ve not had words before, you did not when I left, you do not now and you blame me. It’s because I’ve insulted you? You think words of honesty, of a breaking heart, out of desperation and pain of weeks of struggles can be more insulting than no response at all over weeks and months? No words, no answers, no feedback, no resonance, no reflection, no communication, no nothing, only silence. Do you truly believe that this is a respectful communication amongst two people who care for one another. Pulling back into your own universe whenever you want to, with no consideration for what it causes in my universe? In silence you justify your all. Your being, hiding the truth, hiding your everything pushing me to the breaking point that was inevitable from the start. Pushed me over the edge, brought out the monster in me and the lonely little child at the same time. You reminded me of my biggest insecurity, my biggest and deepest agony of not being seen or heard, remaining on your side of the game.

My pain growing into sorrow, anger, disappointment, frustration, sheer madness, insanity of my broken heart. Do I not know another way of expressing my soul, my mind but you cannot hear me no matter how hard I try. Did I only wish for us to spend one of these calm days strolling around the park, having a coffee, going for cake or simply watch films together. These days when just little things could make me feel home, safe, ok to sit a only a little longer with myself be patient, be loving when you would ask me if I wanted more pastries or another blanket when I felt cold.

The last days have thrown me so far back like everything that’s been there before, all our growth in friendship for months of hard work, every day has been thrown out the window again starting from nowhere. No communication, no understanding, empty apologies for mistakes not known of. False prayers into the Universe for self redemption but no understanding, no interest on what’s behind all the pain. Only empty attempts of covering up the truth, the source of the pain, the source of the shame and helplessness. Eager to push it away, make it disappear, closing the wound without healing it.

With the days passing my wounds got deeper, hurt stronger by your ignorance, your unwillingness to look at them and my inability to be my own friend these days, needing one in the outside world.

Every day I tried to create space for you to approach me, to speak to me, even before leaving, I let time pass, hoping deeply that there’s something on your heart, your mind, your soul, any little spark of interest in me, our friendship, in trying to hold me back before leaving in this darkness as I have no more energy left. But…Nothing. Nothing comes. I’m leaving with a heavy heart, into nowhere to go. Nowhere to be seen. Lost, nowhere to be found but my own heart. “Bye Lina” is all I receive. Couldn’t I hold the space, not for you or me, did I need air to breathe, unfold my wings again to fly. Fly away. Now from you. I hope you will find a friend who will understand you. A friend who has more patience in holding you in your space of growing. I could not. Not before. Not now.

You were my home here. A place where I could stay. A place I felt safe in. Now I don’t know anymore.