Children of the Stars

The Holy Trinity Church 

PACHAMAMA

I’m still in pain. Every day. It keeps coming back to me in flashbacks and then it hits me like a boomerang. These moments from the past weeks. Every time I wanted to be asked, about my feelings, to have a conversation, every time I was dying to speak to you but didn’t get an answer. This frustration, this anger, this helplessness that was becoming so enormous that I felt like losing my whole self, my existence. Who I am, lost in the darkness. My deepest pain and biggest shadow of not being seen because I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, don’t do enough to be valuable enough to be spoken to haunted me every day drowning me deeper into the dark sea of loneliness. Day by day pushing me closer to the edge, over the edge, closer to the point of no return. After all the screaming and yelling at you in desperation to finally be heard I came back to get two things I forgot but instead I got something else, something bigger than that. A great gift of the universe exposing my most vulnerable dark spot, my shadow that makes me lose my all, splitting my identity taking me over completely.

As I come back to get my journal, you hand me two big bags of all my belongings you found that you must have carefully selected throughout your whole apartment only hours after I had left. Clearing the space from me for no return. As I approach you I see the big plastic bags in your hands. At this point my mind has already lost it, I can again see you came up with something else but having me get my notebooks and maybe speak a few words to me. No why would you? You hand them to me. I don’t even remember what you said. Something like: “These are the things you wanted “ or something when clearly this was nothing I ever wanted. The only thing in my pain, in my agony that I could say was: “you’re such a great asshole.” I was in the farthest universe, so far out in the dark, in the loneliest of feelings of being rejected, once and for all with no awareness, no thought, no nothing, thrown out the window as I’ve felt it so many times before these weeks when my words didn’t matter because you couldn’t understand them. And every time the only thing I receive is an empty blank face of nothingness. Non understanding, non processing, bathing yourself in good prayers and intentions.

When I’d thought after we may get through it, taking space that at some point we may have a chance to talk again after both of us get some distance and care, that I could leave a few things with you in case I needed them again. You just threw them at my feet only one day after me walking out your door, leaving nothing behind, closing doors, breaking me into tiny pieces as I haven’t felt it in a long time. Scattered, heartbroken, misunderstood, not seen, not heard. As if all the last months that we fought so hard didn’t matter. After every time of your absence of heart and mind had brought me to my knees, not showing any empathy, no reaction, no feelings, no care about nothing, this was my hardest downfall. My breakdown. My ever ending self control.

Sitting down on the streets with these two heavy bags of personal things, I cry, I scream. Already had I not known where to go with who to be and what to take, did you burden me with more of what I thought I could make a decision about later. I couldn’t. You throw them right at me, pushing me right into my own personal mad zone. I leave the things on the street out of helplessness and overburdening. 

Burning anger so strong that I would have wished to push you under a car to not feel this overwhelming pain of rejection with no return, such blind rage that I felt I couldn’t breathe anymore, couldn’t exist anymore. Looking around from desperation, looking up for inspiration, walking around lost for a sign, you sent me messages that cut me so far off the world that I wanted to throw my phone under the next car, just die, not exist anymore, not be here anymore in that space that you find nothing better to do but keep justifying yourself and your actions with no attempt of stepping over to my side and finally be my friend and acknowledge the endless pain I’m in, the pain I have been going through, my limits that I’ve reached long ago, my energy that’s not at last been drained by you, in your presence. You stay self centered like a rock as all these weeks before defending your castle, no connection to me or my situation. The game of innocence, of ignorance, like a saint, in the best of intentions but with no sight outward your universe. No consideration for what your words or actions do on the other side, not listening to mine either way. 

Degradation. With the innocence of a child he puts me through my personal living hell bathing me in silence when I’m in front of him begging for mercy, for only a word. But nothing comes. He stays in his castle, not leaving it, leaving me alone in my unbearable suffering, breaking my spirit, slowly dying inside. In your Universe none of this exists. In your Universe you’re kind in your actions, you do your best, you think you love me. You do. And you’re sure to show it to me. I can’t receive it, your language is foreign to me, alien. I tried so hard for such a long time to receive it but it still left me scattered into pieces feeling the opposite of loved or cared for.

All I wanted was to make it work. I wanted us to be able to understand each other, to hold each other’s hand when we’re not feeling ok. I wanted us to look through the other person. Speak freely to one another, support the other one. I wasn’t ready, not for you. I couldn’t hold space, not enough anyways. We could not exist even in the same space. I lost perspective, my perspective. You were my home for a season. 

I’m truly sorry for all the pain I have caused, you and myself, hurting my boundaries, crossing my borders too many times, insulting you and my beautiful self not respecting my capacity, my energy, my loneliness, surrounding myself with yours as well.

I’m sorry. I am. I am. I recognize you for who you are, your divine being. Me, you as part of one and the same. Forgive me for not holding space and recognizing or acknowledging the struggle we’re in to find the strength and walk away. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for this precious lesson that was heaven sent by the universe itself to let us see and heal our deepest wounds, our agony, frustration, shame and fear of who we are, our darkest shadows. Forgive me for having hurt you so deeply. I’ve hurt myself, I’ve punished you, I didn’t mean to. I never did. I still don’t. I wasn’t honest with myself, my drive of making it work got me blind. I couldn’t stand the silence and the pain it caused me. I still can’t. Please forgive me. Please let me bare my own silence, carry it in honor, my feeling of being lost, of having lost sight and inspiration of my path. I wasn’t ready for this relationship. I am too much in need of care and empathy myself. I’m only human and also a child of the Universe. A child made from stardust. As we’re all children of the Stars.