I’m still here
I’m still breathing. I’m alive.
But it’s hard to tell. Too much to digest. This broken trust. Again and again understanding that the things people say to you in your presence are not the same they will do in your absence and sometimes even not in your presence for that matter. My tears don’t want to end. After begging an uncountable time more say something to me, you write: “ok let’s end this friendship. You can go back to yourself.” All this rejection game, every time it hurts the same, putting my heart out there only to have it broken over and over again. To learn trust is something that’s easily breakable and often does. I don’t know when I will ever learn how to deal with this enormous uncontrollable pain of being left behind without a single word, not being worth the effort to even be understood, even when I know it’s protection my heart will not be able to let go of this betrayal, this devastating truth of being left. Again.
Still holding the grudges. Clinging on to it. As soon as I form a mental picture of him in my head, I panic, I feel how my throat is closing up, constricted, I can’t breathe, my whole body closing up, cranking, crunching in anger, my thoughts going everywhere, this helplessness, no solution, no empathy, only desperation, pain, frustration. Still too strong to be regarded rationally. All these things he said to me, promised, but anyway this is not what this is about. You, he, that person, I can’t even feel how to call you, YOU YOU YOU because I wish YOU would ever have heard, felt, seen any of me or would at least now when I know you do not, the same feeling of non existence crawling back into my bones, killing me. You who with your mere existence endangered mine, made it tremble, me, my whole persona, my all. Draining my all energy, unplugging me into negativity. With each minute in your presence a little bit more. Almost impossible to let go of the pain you’ve evoked in me. So deep the wounds of insult of which you will never comprehend how much they’re bleeding, drenched in my own blood even incomprehensible for me. How I bleed empty in front of your eyes and you only sit in silence in your fortress calmly watching me like a spectacle you cannot understand. The blood constantly flowing out of me, my all soaked in tears and blood, invisible to you. With or without words. Impossible for you to understand my language. Whether I’m quiet, or screaming in desperation wanting to be heard, my body shaking from hysteria, moving out of my skin incapable to be inside of myself, with myself anymore burning before you. It’s become too much to bear. Disturbia. Your aura crowding me, your physical presence evoking blind rage unable to gain control over it. At the same you’re the most distant person in the world in all of it.
Having me right next to you slowly dying from inside out. My child in the shadow crying bitterly heartbroken endless floods of tears. Unheard, unanswered, unseen. Back home to the past memories lying in my bed, only just having come into this cold world. It’s night time, I’m tired. I want to sleep but my mom is not coming to kiss me good night. She’s not here, not tonight and not tomorrow night. I need her. My dad comes to hold my hand but it’s not the same. Drenched in tears, in fear, being left alone, where is she? I cry, I scream, I’m lost. I need to be taken care of, need to be heard. My oh so fresh existence in this world is in danger. I can’t breathe.
Every day trying my all to being heard and seen slowly falling apart. Piece by piece. Only so right before I leave, you offer me to stay, my blood all over the floor you stab the knife into my heart and twist it a bit more. I’m a phantom remaining invisible.
My story: Silence means death. It takes my all being, breaks my existence, makes me vanish from the here and now into a dark space. It’s my torture, my cryptonite, my death sentence. The most effective and painful method of killing me. In silence you endanger my every breath.
In idealization you’ve showered me in false compliments and promises never to be alive in the real world, only me holding the space. Like so many times before this only meant me breaking myself, betraying myself again by staying. I hope maybe some higher power will protect me from it this time when really this is only me. Me alone. There’s no preparation for this, not before, not now unless I will start walking away in silence too. Not only is my spirit touched but my ego the same.
None of this is on your account because you cannot even understand. The silent treatment remains your handling. No word is send my direction. Pushing me to finally take loving care of this beautiful little girl quietly sobbing.
Still. I’m trying hard my beautiful soul to become a kinder caregiver as you deserve. Forgive me if I cannot yet let go completely. I’m so sorry my love, that I’ve betrayed you for so long again, not listening to you and your needs. I’m still in process, learning. I will need some more time to heal the both of us. I want you to know I see you. You are heard. I feel you. I’m here now. I’m so sorry I hurt you so much. I didn’t mean to. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
Martin Luther King Jr.
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