My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

One of these days. I spend my alone day in the grey mountains. It’s raining, it’s thundering. I’m snuggling up under my blanket. Finally. Well deserved. I’m eating, drinking, resting all day long. The only ways I make is between the kitchen and my bed and one walk to the shops to get more chocolates. My sweet is calling. I miss him in my heart. “I wanted to come see you in the mountains so badly”. He makes me smile. My friend is translating the first page of the book. He wrote it. It’s very romantic.  I really love you, I hope to see you again. I’m so glad you came into my life.  I go back to bed. My heart is melting. Too many cute moments today. “Are you ok Lina?” My host that I’ve treated with annoyance undeserved, stuck out his head earlier looking at me. I feel their care surrounding me. The manager left. I didn’t know. Now it all makes sense. This is how I find myself back at the dinner table what feels like the middle of the night. Rewind.  Spending my well deserved...

Waking up, my throat hurts, I go to the kitchen to make myself some ginger tea. My friend looks through the door. “Oh good morning Lina. How did you sleep? You know I woke up at 4 in the morning, I had a crazy dream. I was worried about you.” He shows me the message.  If you need anything let me know.  Energy. The first message I saw this morning from my friend across the world, a similar one.  Hey beautiful! I hope you are having a great time in your mystical adventures. I had a crazy dream with you last night so I hope everything is alright and stay wild and safe.  Is the universe hearing my needs? Coughing my lungs out throughout the entire night, feeling them becoming sore.  Settling myself early after my beautiful alone time in nature, I couldn’t hold it in but to tell my friend how I felt about the things he said to me. He replies in apology, tells me he didn’t mean to hurt me and I shouldn’t listen to him as he doesn’t know me. He knocks on the door, I op...

A new friend.  He’s laying on the floor. The sun is shining in our beautiful chill out area, the leftover of our food on the floor, our conversation overflowing in love, connection and understanding. Going through all everything that has come up over the last weeks. He sees, he understands. I don’t even have to mention. „India is very intense for women. You must feel pressured and stressed. All the same questions every day. Why are they always asking why I’m alone or what I do next? I only chill, relax.   Can we do yoga together tomorrow? I went into the freezing river to train my mind. You know Osho? You’ve been to Tel Aviv? Really? Amazing. Tonight is full moon, when is your birthday? Do you believe in Zodiac signs? No problem I will give you money so you can come back. I will also go in a few days, I also left my backpack on the houseboat.“ The ability to be alone is the ability to love. It may seem paradoxic, but it's not. It's an existential truth: only those people who c...

The sun piercing through the clouds, opening right above me. I missed it. Getting out of the freezing water of the mountain river after an amazing Picknick lunch. It’s noon, I’m sitting on a rock watching the surrounding mountains, humbling me, bringing me back to myself while the sun is slowly warming my skin. The horses grassing behind me, some Indians camping, hobbit land. Once again.  Last night finally arriving, his mood shifted, he takes me by the hand, showing me around in the beautiful nature, through town, finally smiling, greeting people. I’m doing yoga, the children join, they don’t get tired while he buys them chips, telling the hosts were married. I’m married to everyone like last night’s dream reflected me back from my soul. I can be anyone‘s wife as long as everyone is happy.  He lights up a cigarette, takes a sip of the whiskey. The water is strong, flowing down all the rocks fitting the picture perfect. Smooth and soft at the same time a force so strong we cou...

Waking up again for the third time, I finally get out of bed. He comes to my room. “I’m sorry I had something to do. I’ll make you coffee now”. I grab my phone. “Good morning.” From all my three loves. Juggling all their hearts with care and honesty. “I really love you. I want to spend time with you, keep it alive forever. You’re an amazing person”. He understands my words on a day that my head was dysfunctional from last night’s abuse.  Sitting on a houseboat again. Typical scenario. A man’s world. After doing my yoga having two of them watching me in awe, shower, cut some fruits when my play-boy-friend who wouldn’t wanna let me sleep in the morning calls me over. “Tell me when you’re finished”. The thin line sometimes walked so well. Leaving me my freedom when sending him away, wanting it all when I’m there, just my presence and sometimes everything.  As I told my love last night that I do care about him even when my mind and soul are torn between people and situations, he r...