It’s raining… Men

One of these days. I spend my alone day in the grey mountains. It’s raining, it’s thundering. I’m snuggling up under my blanket. Finally. Well deserved. I’m eating, drinking, resting all day long. The only ways I make is between the kitchen and my bed and one walk to the shops to get more chocolates. My sweet is calling. I miss him in my heart. “I wanted to come see you in the mountains so badly”. He makes me smile. My friend is translating the first page of the book. He wrote it. It’s very romantic. I really love you, I hope to see you again. I’m so glad you came into my life. 

I go back to bed. My heart is melting. Too many cute moments today. “Are you ok Lina?” My host that I’ve treated with annoyance undeserved, stuck out his head earlier looking at me. I feel their care surrounding me. The manager left. I didn’t know. Now it all makes sense. This is how I find myself back at the dinner table what feels like the middle of the night. Rewind. 

Spending my well deserved alone time day in bed, they pull me out two times walking into my bathroom, crowding my private space, checking the water. In my sweat pants I just go back to bed and stare at the screen. While I’m dedicating my energy to the all too well known interactions with my three men, between tears of laughter and frustration it seems many strings entangling once again they become a whole piece. I’m incredible timing one by one is coming to me, showing their loyalty as I put them all back in myspace by setting my boundaries; tame like little lambs. One sending me songs and apologies including statements of love, the other ones love statements, gratitude for knowing me and my beautiful soul and care, wanting me to come back. 

I look up the meaning of my name. LINA. Light. Ray of sunlight. Pure. Strong. Tender. It resonates. Three in a bundle. They will all be in the same city at the same time. All wanting me to be their lover, friend, girlfriend and wife. 

It knocks again. It’s 9pm, I’ve just switched off the light ready for some rest after this overwhelm of attention. If I only knew. I sigh loudly. They knock, I open. The picture is too funny. Four men in dark ropes holding their flashlights looking at me: “dinner time”. I moan like a little girl that I already had dinner. They don’t accept, laugh and pull me out the door. What a movie like scenario. I cannot help but dive in fully. The sweetness, the care and the overall surrounding feeling of the day that they do not want to be without me. Their respect for me undeniable, trying to catch my attention, wanting my company. We sit down. Musab serves me first. From Lina such a good girl over what do you want for breakfast, speaking German to me, asking for my well-being and needs. He’s surprising me after all these days that I’ve shown him my impatient, annoyed face in our communication when he never did something wrong. I feel him now. “We’re family” our judging friend says. It truly feels like this. It’s whimsical and heart warming at the same time. I thank him and go back. It reminds me of back home when I come to see my dad and brothers and as soon as I enter it seems like they’ve missed my female energy gathering around the table to sit and speak with me. 

It only takes a few minutes as there comes the fourth in the bundle right off the dinner table while my still eager to be husband calls me, wanting to see my face. 

“Did you fall asleep?” What on earth could he want now after last night’s agreement that we should do our undertakings individually as we don’t appreciate the other one’s way of communication. “Do you want to sleep together because of the cold?” I can’t hold myself together anymore. I’m laughing so hard, I feel like in a strange rush, my becoming hysterical. The synergies of me standing up for myself, my values and identity created a huge energy field evolving back around me. I can literally sense how the universe is synchronizing it all around me. Throwing all everything back at me from the last days. It’s a huge wave. While I’m typing more people write. The rain is still strong. The voice of the universe. I can’t even finish typing while my husband from the soon to be crowded with men who love me city is calling, sending me hearts. Changing his profile picture to - us. As a couple. I love you. I wanna see you. When you come here, you will be with me. This part seems still not to come through to him. Slowly I try to find rest into the night. The next morning brings me more insights. Shockingly I wake up early again. My mind and heart still processing I already feel today the barrier is even lower for my neighbor to communicate with me. I still feel I want my space. He asks me questions concerning payment asking me if I want to stay in bed again as they want to go to the city. Of course they want me to come. I tell them once again that I’ve already been yesterday. They didn’t hear. The vibe is the same. The vibe of blame and wanting justification from my side not doing his activities, joining his mood, his ideas, his ways. Slowly I feel it crawling inside of me like the days before. This discomfort of having to defend who I am, what I do and why. “Why you didn’t tell me? I wanted to go to. You know that. I could have given you my card.” Like a little boy he’s trying to find his way out blaming me again for something he doesn’t like about himself. Telling me from now on we go separate ways at the same expecting me to inform him about my each step. He’s lost. He’s distracting himself projecting his all ideas of how to be on me. Heaviness. I don’t want to be a puzzle piece of his picture anymore, of his inconsistency and urge to find explanations for his pain that he doesn’t even recognize in the outside claiming the opposite. 

This helps again to find another truth that may have been too obvious for me to bring it into my own awareness. The crystal clear mirror of my own growth. The piece closing the circle rounding up my identity building in its complexity. 

Did I find myself again and again faced with situations challenging my identity; urging me to stand up for myself, define my identity, identify my values, set boundaries, act them out, speak loud, express my needs, reject offers. Living my own personal truth to the fullest. Recognizing it, strengthening it, defending it. 

Did I realize this morning that the result of these struggles, fights and hard inner work reflect exactly my relationships that I have right here right now. Crystal clear like the mirror of a mountain lake standing still. Not only did I identify freedom and loyalty as two of my core values but so I see them living vividly inside my chosen guy friends. Every time we’re interacting I find myself in bliss, astonishment and pride for them respecting me all everything I say, do or feel. Everything I ask for they give. They listen when I need them to, they catch me when I run away, they apologize when I get angry about having my borders crossed and wish for me to be strong, free and happy. Leaving me be in peace alone in the mountains stepping back when I ask them to, speaking to me when I want them to, caring for me when I need them to, opening their arms to welcome me back whenever I feel to return. Letting me be with the other person if this is what makes me happy. “You do whatever you want. You’re free. Whatever makes you happy. That’s all I want. Trust me I love you. You’re so pure and strong”. L.I.N.A. A ray of sunlight. 

And so I follow. The sunlight. Catching at least a few hours after the grey as my destiny evolves further. Sitting on a rock stuffing dried berries in my mouth like an addict holding a monologue for over a half hour about my experiences with men over the last weeks, trying to give my friend an insight my thoughts twist and turn in the attempt of composing a complete picture. When I speak my last word and sigh I already see two guys approaching me. “Hey Lina”. Shit. Being called out by my name does give me a feeling of familiarity. When he touches my ring I remember. One of my other wannabe husbands. I smile. They take me on a small walk, we talk, we take pictures. I like them. The view on the river is as always stunning. Kashmir paradise. Returning back just finishing my food yet another little wild scene was awaiting me. Feeling the same crowdy energy of my slowly becoming mad neighbor instantaneously taking me over. After asking annoyed about the internet, me showing no reaction and rejecting his banana he came up with something really creative to finally catch attention. 

“I saw Pablo today in the city”. In my mind I’m rolling my eyes. My intuition is so quick to put all the puzzle pieces together of him trying to create a scenario where a guy that he thinks is controlling me, a cheater and pervert is doing something that I don’t know of as proof of that he is right and I am dumb. My mind is between bursting in laughter again and becoming seriously worried about his behavior. 

I look at him and play dumb. “Who’s Pablo?” I ask as I know where “my Pablo” is and that is in a city far away when he would be much rather here by my side as he’s expressed so many times until even today so my heart knows in absolute certainty where he is. Other than that he would be sitting next to me. 

My crazy company starts overacting, swearing he’s seen him, describing him, wanting to see all social media accounts for no reason when I show him directly his profile picture of the two of us. He’s acting it all out. “He had a blue head and a motorbike”. I’m calm. I tell him he has no motorcycle and he’s not here. He’s looking at me seriously: “Trust me. I’ve seen him. It was him”. I still also would not know how this guy would ever be able to recognize a person he’s never met in his life. This whole show is just one more act out in his childish behavior. I slowly find it not only annoying and childish but creepy of how he goes into my life for no reason. I feel how I’m growing tougher inside as the next time I won’t need my patience anymore as I have no further interest of listening to any new versions of his actual state of mind projecting on me. 

My new friend from the park is active as well: “you’re beautiful. I like you”

One of these days I thought. Or two. Today I congratulate myself to my patience, to my growth, my strong heart and moving closer and closer each day to my own personal authenticity. Namastē. 

[As I’ve foreseen it the story wasn’t about to end there. Not tonight. Feeling me pushed to my limits I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep my head above the water if he said one more thing to me. I tell him to not come up with any crazy stories anymore concerning me. He pretends not to know what I’m speaking about. I tell him to cut the communication to me in general if there’s nothing of my intuerest. This he doesn’t like to hear. He goes mad at me. “What’s your problem?”. His ego can’t handle me finally finding the courage to pull myself out of his Fängen. I tell him to cut the bullshit, stop talking to me, insulting me every day, not leaving me alone, telling me what’s right and wrong, making up crazy stories to prove me wrong, showing his all greatness. He’s defending his universe in denial, manipulation in the game; getting angry as I will not pull out this time. He slams the door. I feel like I’ve achieved something, not letting him silence me this time. Our hosts couldn’t help but notice. They need to find a solution to not endanger the peace of the house. I understand. They don’t understand me or what happened but I know under these circumstances it’s too much to ask. I give in, I surrender, not justifying myself again. I tell them I will leave. Hand over the field to the loud outgoing fighter shouting: “I did everything for her. Always ask if she needs anything. But she’s always unhappy, always angry. I do all everything right”. 

And so I go to sleep, ready to go in happiness for my love having had asked me already multiple times after the scenario, even offering to come over and rip his balls off. It feels a good time to clear the air and move on. Move on to the place where three of my men sitting waiting for me, grateful to welcoming me back. Time for a new chapter. Punctually the clouds are moving across the sky as I’m leaving. To clear his consciousness he sends me a message that all was a big misunderstanding and that he loves me very much.]