I forgive you, you forgive me

The sun piercing through the clouds, opening right above me. I missed it. Getting out of the freezing water of the mountain river after an amazing Picknick lunch. It’s noon, I’m sitting on a rock watching the surrounding mountains, humbling me, bringing me back to myself while the sun is slowly warming my skin. The horses grassing behind me, some Indians camping, hobbit land. Once again. 

Last night finally arriving, his mood shifted, he takes me by the hand, showing me around in the beautiful nature, through town, finally smiling, greeting people. I’m doing yoga, the children join, they don’t get tired while he buys them chips, telling the hosts were married. I’m married to everyone like last night’s dream reflected me back from my soul. I can be anyone‘s wife as long as everyone is happy. 

He lights up a cigarette, takes a sip of the whiskey. The water is strong, flowing down all the rocks fitting the picture perfect. Smooth and soft at the same time a force so strong we could barely survive it. 

Walking up the green hill I give some „gypsy“ boys a cereal bar, we sit in front of a hut and rest again. Until the next incident shows itself as a mirror of the last day’s communication. He says something about going back. I think he’s joking. When we left in the morning I asked him how long the hike would be and he just answered: „depends on when you want to go back. How long you can walk“. Depends on me. As always, depends on me without information. 

„What else you want to see?“. As if I knew. As if I knew anything about this place since none of my questions have been answered. I get angry walk away. I let him call me a few more times, let him come after me, before I stop and look at him. I say he’s been keeping me in the dark leaving me unknowing and asking me as if I had an idea where to go. He calms me down what feels like the tenth time. Forgive me. I forgive you. You cannot see right from wrong. You keep me in the dark, I will run back into light. Not with me. Ok ok. He says a few more minutes and we get to the most beautiful view of the hike. This is what was right to come up without me knowing and he would have kept it from me. I explain again to him that I respect him for whoever he is and that he does not need to have an interest in me or communicate with me or ask me questions or answer mine if this is who he wants to be. In his own world, his own mind, his worldview wanting attention for how much he knows by how good of a guy he is. I tell him I will not serve these needs, I tell him he’s worth of love but love for me needs understanding and interest in the other person which he does not have for me. These scenarios will reappear as they’re impossible to avoid when a person is incapable of connecting to the outside, to the other person’s need outside of him. As at the same time he’s swinging between his knowing of what to do, going his own way and picking up on me once a while, taking the trash I’ve been collecting, in the end collecting some himself, asking if I was ok or what I want to eat. The swinging is not easy but he’s taking my all boundaries and criticism in. 

When we sit to get some food, a girl from the table behind me turns around. She’s curious. She’s bombing me with questions. I smile and answer all of them. My food is coming. He’s disappeared. Not even surprised. Happens every time I eat part of my meal alone. The girl returns. Keeps asking me questions. I’m glad. I get another dish. I’m not sad. „Eat mam, it’s better when it’s hot“. No politeness needed here from my side. I eat with great appetite after our five our walk on the mountains. Incredible views, a swim in the cold mountain river, sun, fresh cheese from the mountain people; the beautiful impressions have gotten me hungry and tired. I put both of my curries on the plate with rice, my body can’t get enough when he shows back up and sits down next to me. He smiles. Twenty minutes have passed. He asks me about the food. I smile. „It’s the best food I’ve had in Kashmir so far“. He tells me about his restaurant and that he wanted to have meet. I tell him that I had great company. „She knows me better than you now“, referring to our ever returning issue from earlier. „I’m glad“ he says. I pay, we leave, I get an ice cream. The girl shows up behind me again, thanking me smiling, asking for my plans and saying bye. 

Exhausted and happy we return to the guest house, take a hot shower. Luckily the water wasn’t cut. Some whiskey later it’s evening. „I will get us some snacks love“. I pour another glass as he returns „is that for me?“. I smile. „You look so different today. Your energy changed. You’re glowing. Brighter now“. 

Moon rising. So strong. So magical. My heart is moved. Slowly it’s moving up behind the pitch black mountain behind the dark trees. Full almost. Invisible for the eye. We’re sitting together, all connecting, all in the same space. Hearing my love in my heart, an eventful day is coming to an end as I feel my body needing to rest. 

The same early I wake up in the morning. Exhausted. He’s sleeping more. I go outside, making coffee, get to know the kitchen. I come back to the room. I can’t believe the smell. 

„I feel sick“. Like a five year old he looks at me. 

„Are you serious?“ I look at him. 

„I’m sorry“. 

„I don’t care honestly. If you don’t respect yourself that’s your way of life. If you want to destroy yourself it’s your problem. This is why I told you, you can’t love me because you do not love yourself. You do not care about my needs, feelings or who I am. You think you love me because I make you feel good instead of the other way around. That’s not love, that’s selfish. It’s the opposite. Love has only one condition. It’s free.“

„Calm down love. Ok ok. I leave you alone. I go. If you don’t want me here.“

I sit with him, I hold his hand. He wants to understand. I make him a tea. He’s smoking again. „Really? This is going to kill you“. Again the same ashamed look on his face like a five year old caught eating chocolates under the table. He thews the cigarette away. 

I hear my song. The song that wouldn’t leave my mind since our argument in the hills yesterday. 

I forgive you, you know not what you’ve done. I forgive you now it’s time for me to move on. I forgive you, you did not see right from wrong. And I love you, in my heart you’ll always live on. 

How? I walk toward the open window at the office. I look at my host that I’ve taught some ab exercises earlier after doing my yoga. He’s holding his phone smiling at me. He’s looking at my story, my song playing from last night, we burst out into laughter. That’s how. 

My part time husband and child, sitting with me, finding solutions for my financial issues for the next days. He talks to the host. „I want you to be strong. I want you to be independent. If you need anything any time, just call me, I will transfer money. Can I hug you again before I leave? Can you bring me to the bus?“ I thank him, I hug him. I bring him to the bus. „When you’re back, we go watch the sunrise, I show you the floating markets.“ Somehow even these days made me grow, made us grow together. At least little pieces of understanding were shared, explained, if not understood but respected. No offense taken. No hearts broken. Difficult conversations held in respect without hurting one another.“ A big step in my journey towards myself. 

I feel the need to thank him as I go outside, go to the same restaurant as yesterday, people greeting me, taking a small walk, the same place he showed me the first night. I feel comfortable stepping between cow and horse shit, cars, the masses of people in the side mud of the street. I sit on a rock, while I let the last days pass again in reflection. It’s windy, the air fresh, I need this. Different people approach me to take pictures with them. Classic. I slowly make my way back, eating ice cream. My eyelids heavy, falling asleep almost. One of my hosts trying to open the door for me, giving me a princess room, I feel my relaxing time coming, sitting on the stairs, as he brings me my bag. I can’t believe in my trust I leave my valuables. He’s eager to make me count my money, even explaining when he cleared my forgetfulness. Such kindness in this house just when two other men enter. They speak English. A tourist. I can’t believe it. He’s coming back from trekking. Israeli. Finally. He asks if I want to come eat. This will be interesting. Maybe after almost three weeks I will have a different conversation with a different man from a different country. I can hear thunder again. The rain is coming. „I hope you don’t get wet“. He comes out the shower, plays my music. „You stay here“. I bring you lunch here. You like Paneer?!“ I love paneer and the universe caring so deeply for me.