Freedom and Loyalty

A new friend. He’s laying on the floor. The sun is shining in our beautiful chill out area, the leftover of our food on the floor, our conversation overflowing in love, connection and understanding. Going through all everything that has come up over the last weeks. He sees, he understands. I don’t even have to mention. „India is very intense for women. You must feel pressured and stressed. All the same questions every day. Why are they always asking why I’m alone or what I do next? I only chill, relax. Can we do yoga together tomorrow? I went into the freezing river to train my mind. You know Osho? You’ve been to Tel Aviv? Really? Amazing. Tonight is full moon, when is your birthday? Do you believe in Zodiac signs? No problem I will give you money so you can come back. I will also go in a few days, I also left my backpack on the houseboat.“

The ability to be alone is the ability to love. It may seem paradoxic, but it's not. It's an existential truth: only those people who can be alone can love, share, go to another person's deepest center without holding the other, without depending on others, without reducing the other and not addicting to the other.

-Osho-

The flow is there. Apparently my energy that I’ve left in this country throughout the last weeks has just transformed into human shape to come back to me. See me, understand me. My sweet love writing me: „you should really write a book Lina. I miss you so much. I can help you print.“ I laugh my ass off. „It’s good to see someone smile. I felt so stressed not seeing anyone laughing in this country. No smiling.“ I’m happy to meet him. „My pleasure. After all this time, since I came here, I have not seen a tourist.“ he says. Everything he says feels like completing the circle, understanding my struggle, taking it from me with empathy. The only thing I needed. Understanding. „You’re too nice Lina. I feel so sorry for you. Really it’s so bad what they do to you. It’s not right. You need to say no to them“. He’s protecting me. Protecting me for who I am.  „Do you want a chai?“ he cares. All that I needed. 

„You know what Leonardo Di Caprio? He says if you can go alone to a restaurant, everything is possible.“ he’s smiling. 

I say: „For me the real challenge is to go alone to a bar or party that’s what I always wanted but never did“. 

„This is unbelievable, really you think like me. It’s incredible you know ten days ago I read my horoscope and it said I would meet someone who I would click with instantly. I can’t believe it. And I thought to myself it’s not possibly, there are no tourists here. No one. I was alone all the time before I met you.“ Shanti Shanti. Rain tonight. We’re synchronizing the universe together. 

He takes me to another guest house. More people, the universe responding again. “Deja vu” he says. “Isn’t it crazy?!” I’m getting more tired, we walk back, I sit on the stairs, he texts me. “You go to sleep?” I go up to him. 

My sweet is calling. He’s asking about my day. If I had dinner. I tell him about the person who just when I was about to spend time alone, popped up in front of me, bringing me food. “Oh so the Universe has given to you again what you needed. Finally you have a friend from the West. Your Kashmiri husband left you alone? Don’t forget to write your book.” He finishes. I laugh I look at my new friend who was sent to understand me. He used the same words. It’s time for rest. The day has been longer than expected. 

“Good morning. How did you sleep? You want a coffee?” I look out of the window. It’s my new friend from the west. I buy some fruits, I make coffee, the sun is bright. It’s already a good day. 

I do yoga. He’s filming me, making it reel. “Where are you Lina?” I come out the shower. “Do you want to come to the park and the river with me?” I smile at him, showing him my swimsuit, I’m ready. At every stand he stops buying nuts, fruit and snacks. I’m being treated. One after another people come to take pictures with us. Deja vu. “They come because of you” he says. I talk to the sun. The clouds open right above me to make the sun shine right down on me. Same setting, different person. This feels easier. “I make you shakshuka tonight”. This offer I won’t reject. 

An hour later. The rain came. He’s going to the markets to buy us food. Twenty minutes later we find ourselves in the kitchen making fancy instant noodles with mushrooms, peas and spices, topped up with fresh cheese from the mountains frying in the pan. The host helping us out with his skills. Our own paneer. As I wanted to ask my want to be husband to leave me some of his before leaving there again my new friend brings everything I was wishing for including dinner and breakfast items, vegetables, porridge for the morning. Ella Ella. He’s smiling. 

“It’s very lucky to meet you” he says. The thunder rumbling while we’re drinking our milk chai that he ordered for us like all the chocolates. “When do you wanna have dinner?” I’m being taken care of. Also my mountain husband and sweet friend worry about my well-being. The life of Pablo. I start laughing. The Universe has its own sense of humor. 

He didn’t lie. He’s an amazing cook. The dinner tastes delicious. We’re returning to the same topic of Indian men. He repeats a few statements about me being stupid or that my friends have me under control, not trusting my words or believing that I know what I’m doing. It hurts. He insults who I am when he doesn’t know me. He judges my openness, my heart and approach towards people. A mirror. He has no trust. So I should not trust. “I’m stupid” he says. All day he worried about leaving his backpack. He’s serious. I feel tense, him projecting his distrust in people onto me as it has been all these weeks before. Whyyy? Why him too? He knows better. He knows men. I don’t. No one means truly what they say to me. No one truly cares about me. It’s insulting for me and all I am. My intuition, my reflection, my intelligence and wisdom. Degrading me in my ability of making decisions. I feel how I become defensive towards my friends, my loved ones, the people I chose to have in my life. Loyalty. Another of my values that’s being touched. It seems this has been my mission for the last weeks and it doesn’t seem to be completed yet. Freedom and Loyalty, feeling hurt. I become protective. I don’t need no one. I have myself. And that I took to a peaceful, reflective me time on the magical force of the stream stream, into the woods finding myself, breathing in the universe, laying on a high rock above the splashing powerful water protecting me in my center, the mountains surrounding me with their green meadows. I’m here, I’m save, Mother Earth is holding me. Pachamama. 

 ~ Nothing ever passes  us by until it’s taught us what we need to  learn  ~