My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

My eyes will fill with tears […] Please before u leave the hostel even if ı am sleeping wake me up okay.  I won’t. I will be back in three days. And there he will be too to pick me up from the station, without me knowing. Yet the person I would have wanted to hug so badly before going, I didn’t get the chance to. We exchange our mixed and confused feelings over the phone. That must do for now. I must admit to myself that I may have hurt him. That maybe I was selfish in some moments as well. I value him so much that our exchange of perspectives actually helps me find  my balance on the views. I feel how my fixed opinion starts shifting a bit to his side, understanding that he is just as sensitive and fragile as I am. That he may have expected and felt something different from me and no matter how much I carry value in what I was trying to convey to him, I can still see how he received mixed messages from me by interpreting them in a way that I couldn't clearly understand before...

  Returning to the hostel in anticipation of our last night together, I find the hostel quiet, empty, no one around. I go to look if he’s already woken up. I wanted to give him a hug. It doesn’t happen. It’s awkward. I’ve seen it coming. They’ve been out. I feel like this is gonna be one of these nights that I was looking forward to so much when everybody else was just following their own plan. A blend of hangover, exhaustion and indifference is hanging in the air. In the pathetic attempt to keep my mood up, I keep going back and forth, buying cigarettes and alcohol in the shop, go from room to room, book a flight, think about what else to do in the hope that soon everyone will come together and be super excited to spend the night together. It doesn't happen. Not only isn't the crowd coming together but I feel a subliminal tension between me and the person I was admiring so much the last days. I can feel each minute how the feeling of being alone, left, lost is creeping inside ...

You did the world a favor . I’m standing at the stairs trying to transfer my possessions from my temporary bed to my regular personalized bed in the dormitory. You’re famous now. Seems you told some guys this morning to shut up. I’m laughing. They woke me up, I wasn’t even present, blurting out to them to be quiet. He’s serious. My neighbor for the same sleeping arrangement, nodding, shyly, smiling at me. A rock is dropping from my heart as I was afraid to have overstepped when one of the guys raises his voice against me: you have to be polite do you know what time it is? Obviously I don’t, idiot because you just disturbed my sleep. So apparently they have gone directly to complain to the rest of the people who apparently took my side without even haven spoken to me. Four days already again. My half-hearted attempt to leave yesterday, failing miserably within only seconds when I leave the hostel fully packed, the heavy metal door closing behind me. I walk five steps, sink down on a ...

11:11. Lina I really want to meet you again and spend muuuuuuch more time with you.   I felt one thing from the start, I saw you as a person who has such a deep internal world. Such a sensitive Soul, such a loving soul in this at times tough world. I want to get to know this internal world of yours… Lina I want to have a totally different relationship […] and I know I can’t do it alone either. But we could try it together. […] despite those unpleasant things that happened to you, I feel tons of positive and warm energy that you have inside… your vibe attracts me a lot.  A mirror of what’s broken me into the tiniest little pieces two years and two months ago, coming as a reminder, a waving red flag that will have dissolved itself within only 24hours in the same waving colors when the realization that I am a human being who’s had and has a life before that short encounter he perceived as something so special in his world, it all falls apart within less than a minute, never to be...