Alone in the Corner

 

Returning to the hostel in anticipation of our last night together, I find the hostel quiet, empty, no one around. I go to look if he’s already woken up. I wanted to give him a hug. It doesn’t happen. It’s awkward. I’ve seen it coming. They’ve been out. I feel like this is gonna be one of these nights that I was looking forward to so much when everybody else was just following their own plan. A blend of hangover, exhaustion and indifference is hanging in the air. In the pathetic attempt to keep my mood up, I keep going back and forth, buying cigarettes and alcohol in the shop, go from room to room, book a flight, think about what else to do in the hope that soon everyone will come together and be super excited to spend the night together.

It doesn't happen. Not only isn't the crowd coming together but I feel a subliminal tension between me and the person I was admiring so much the last days. I can feel each minute how the feeling of being alone, left, lost is creeping inside my bones. He doesn't seem to pay attention to me at all as if nothing had happened. Self fulfilling prophecy as I'd explained it to him before. It's becoming the bitter truth every single time I will repeat my mistake and expose myself, become fragile and share intimacy with someone who is nowhere ready for it or reflected about what it could do on the other side. Words are not enough, not to be understood by the ones who are not ready to hear them. The same hurt every time of having given something away to someone who wasn't able to appreciate me giving a part of myself to them. My most sacred part. And not only that but also feeling used, knowing I once again have crossed my own boundaries that I swore to myself since the last time, for all these past weeks to not repeat that same pattern again.

But there I caused the same situation again and with it the price I have to pay that I only know too well. The loneliness that comes with betraying myself every time. Not that this night doesn't have beautiful moments. It does, it has funny moments, it has deep conversations but I am alone in this. My skin is thin. I don't like the energy. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like I could cut through the air with a knife, this is how thick it is. I don't want to feel that way. I want to deny it. I want this to be a good night. A happy night, having a bliss one last time all together. I drink. And drink. And drink. Until it is 1am. Tears are rising up my eyes because I start to understand that I cannot force it. It is not me. I feel alone, I sit outside. I smoke. He is sitting quietly next to me, writing in his language, asking me if I am ok. How I feel. ALONE. He looks at me... I just wrote that in my book. I can feel it so strongly in you right now. 

It helps. It's not the truth that nobody cares, it only is my reality. And maybe it’s what I needed to let go. He offers to have a night walk. I say I have to go to sleep. I walk up the stairs, tears still in my eyes. My two roomies are already in bed. I'm surprised. I sit down on my mattress, cupping my face with my hands. He's looking at me from across the room. Hey are you ok? Do you need a hug? At this point I cannot react as I just feel heavy in my chest. Slowly he comes walking towards me, sitting down next to me on the mattress while I’m trying to gather myself. Do you wanna talk? He's asking. It’s ok you can cry. I appreciate it. I lean on him. We are talking for some minutes. His jokes have hurt me too. It's also not his fault. Today everything and everyone was hurting me. And so I hit my mattress. My sleep is restless. My dreams are vivid. Too vivid. Too close to my feelings. I wake up way too early for the heaviness of the night before. My heart is scratched.

This day will bring healing. For me, myself and I. Self-care-Sunday. It's that time again. I'm showering, cleaning myself, making myself look pretty for that Sunday that will only belong to me and my well-being. My friend is packing. He's leaving. Leaving leaving. Our common next destination for the end of the year India. India all around. Once the call was out, we're all moving along together. It was the right choice. We're singing, getting ready the same. Walking out of the hostel together, I walk him to the station for one last goodbye hug. He’s asking me if I feel better. Sympathy. For one last good look at the beauty around us. We had good moments together. Now it's time for me to go on alone.

I start walking. My schedule: Making myself feel good today. No matter the costs. Thai Food, trip planning -insights I’ve needed- Banksy exhibition, ice cream caramel coffee shake. My guarantee for healing. Always doing the trick. The day to spend. Finding everything I needed to find. In the right place, at the right time. 

I ask him to have a chat with me, to reveal my shame and blame. To say what I wasn't able to express when he crossed my boundaries. He doesn't get back to me. Not after two hours, not after three, not until. Not at all. Apparently he has no interest in knowing what I had to say which is exactly why cycle continues with the next and next and next woman. This circle that I wish nothing more but to interrupt. Break through. Yet I made myself part of it by not being brave enough to speak in the moment when it was needed. After all we are both human. Imperfect, learning and growing.

Preparing myself to leave the city for a short trip, back to the Black Sea, back to my other friendship base - finally booking the ticket, getting all gears needed. The universe is kind, sending things my way. The day of spending. Having enjoyed the most of another summer day at the end of October in the 25 degrees sun, I return fulfilled to the hostel, collecting my things, arranging my bags, ready to go. My focus shifted. To me. On me. To be happy.

Once I get down, my Turkish friend is offering me wine. From last night , he remembers my tears. I have a glass with my German friend. Another short conversation in the dark. It's only 7. It feels like midnight. Going back up to my safe space, I run into him. These young boys. He's greeting me with a smile. Completely oblivious to what may have been inside me all this time. He's going to eat. I feel like I have nothing to say to him anymore. Maybe he doesn't need to hear what I have to say. After all it hasn't been important enough for him to get back to me. He offers to talk later. I'm gone. I'm not on other people's schedules anymore. I can't be. It's too easy to get hurt. The universe has been trying to transmit the message all along but I wasn't listening closely enough. I'm ready now to listen. I'm tired again. A good tired. For myself. Things are moving again for me. Forward. In a different yet known direction. The sea. One last time to say bye to this summer that has been so giving, so generous to me. Bringing realationships in all shapes and forms, places, connections. Love and laughter, fights and tears. Lessons to learn. I've been living to the fullest and I feel nothing but gratitude for it. Time to move on.

And so once you decide to focus on yourself it’s all Lina again. Lina is the soul of our hostel. Oh hey Lina. Do you want wine? We’re gonna get you from the rooftop. I better get some rest. Not this time.