Six Days of Summer

My eyes will fill with tears […] Please before u leave the hostel even if ı am sleeping wake me up okay. I won’t. I will be back in three days. And there he will be too to pick me up from the station, without me knowing. Yet the person I would have wanted to hug so badly before going, I didn’t get the chance to. We exchange our mixed and confused feelings over the phone. That must do for now. I must admit to myself that I may have hurt him. That maybe I was selfish in some moments as well. I value him so much that our exchange of perspectives actually helps me find  my balance on the views. I feel how my fixed opinion starts shifting a bit to his side, understanding that he is just as sensitive and fragile as I am. That he may have expected and felt something different from me and no matter how much I carry value in what I was trying to convey to him, I can still see how he received mixed messages from me by interpreting them in a way that I couldn't clearly understand before. 

It makes me sick to think that I have hurt him. Someone as wonderful, as sensitive, as open hearted, caring and soft as him. I couldn't see his vulnerability before, only understanding now that I may have made him feel also rejected, unwanted or let alone used. I don’t like it. Yet it makes me even more sure that I’ve not been wrong about him, his sincerity, his sympathy, his openness and extraordinarily high capacity of emotional, sympathetic communication. I will miss him. I already do. I hate when I cannot at least give a last goodbye hug but it may have been for the best as I’m looking forward to a swim in the Black Sea, seeing my other friends again. Not yet aware what effect it will have that I have dissolved and shifted my perspective and found common ground to come together. I should pay you commission for this he texts me the night before, referring to our mutual friend, coming together here in the city of angels. I forgot how many lovely souls are evolving around this place. 

I'm hurrying to get to the Karvi as I cannot wait to  experience what this place will hold for me this time, understanding later that it has also carried on my connections and learnings from the last weeks, disentangling through the time and people. Arriving at the hostel, I run into my friend who came with the train before and a new one who came on the same train as me. We go to the beach. One swim before the sun is setting in the freshness of the autumn sea, enjoying the summer like temperature.

The night is young, my stomach sending me quickly back to the hostel to eat and to spend time with them. The soul of the hostel. I don’t know our situation when I sit down across him for a while. When I ask if he wants a hug, he’s shyly nodding, I move around the table and hug him. We’re remaining in this position of holding each other for quite some time. I'm so happy he doesn't seek distance like the last days have made me feel distant to the ones I loved. I feel at home and close to him as ever while the emotional exchange of the past days has already faded into the background.

Slowly more are accumulating around the table, other familiar faces joining. One of the Turkish squad, the evolution shaking my hand asking me how the last weeks went. I feel welcomed by him, sincerely this time, wondering what our connection was the last time. The hilarious moment when he sees the face of the ray of light for the first time and leaves me in confusion. When I remember I start laughing about it, seeing now that he's part of the group, respectfully behaving like a friend. I forgot all these tiny details that have made my life so endlessly colorful over the last weeks. This will become the focus, humorously discussed throughout the night. That story many weeks ago, when he looks at me challenging me to recognize him when I clearly cannot. Hey Lina do you remember me from Tinder? I still don’t understand how we got here, I only know I feel happy here as if I was with family. My family that I chose. 

Drinks, laughter and people rise equally throughout the night. I’m once again astonished of how flawless the flow, how an early night becomes a late one once again despite my tiredness. This gathering of likeminded homeless, jobless, happy people with the same wish of enjoying life as best as possible. I want to enjoy more of the vibe with old and new friends and I want to enjoy more time with him. We do. I wanna be near him, I wanna see the sadness in his eyes move for the spark that creating once he looks into my eyes. It's for you. Maybe it’s selfish. We have time alone. This time it's different. It's like all the things I tried to convey to him the last times, that I struggled with that I felt unseen, unheard and ignored, that same topic that has caused conflicting feelings over the last days, all on a sudden with my understanding for the other side, found hearing. And not only that but my wishes start to be realized. The way I wanted to feel, the way I wanted to be held, to be looked at to be felt is being lived right here and now. Something seems to have dissolved. You guys are cute. She even says  the last day, she that tough woman from the same train, hardly admitting to any emotions. Just like my friend who notices our mood the minute she enters. 

The next day I don’t feel much more awake. Actually more the opposite even after a night in the cozy bed in the private room. My antidote yoga, expanding into a triathlon. Lina you can do yoga in here I’ll be naked. Of course Evolution again. I take the unoccupied room and follow my happy routine. Triathlon morning to not totally sink into my tiredness. Exchanging my leggings for shorts I go out of the hostel when I finish the yoga, moving towards the beach, walking, running, singing. I soak in the late days of summer and early autumn, the air warm, the sun on and off shining on me. Finding a quiet spot I take off my shorts and slide into the cooling water. It’s fresher than the night before. I swash around the water, drying myself, lying on the warm rocks before I make my way back, my head held high, singing like a princess. 

Slowly feeling the exhaustion creeping under my skin. A shower, grocery shopping, I finally manage to make an experimental lentil Dhal with veggies in three pots. When I finally finish it’s far after three and my love has disappeared without a doubt getting the sleep he couldn’t get before. 

Turning around ready to eat, I see her, just arriving I didn’t eat since the morning time, I’m so hungry, I need to get something to eat. An introduction that we both won’t forget for the future is holding another miraculous encounter. I wave her over, usher her into the kitchen and present her my freshly cooked food. I’m vegetarian she says. I smile. She can’t believe her luck and I cannot believe mine. And so I find myself sitting with a new friend, sharing my meal that was meant to be shared in the first place. She’s part of the family, as she’s returned like me. Only an hour later we’re sitting in my favorite cake shop that she's invited me to, enjoying what seems to be our mutual pleasure without feeling guilty. A cappuccino and a large piece of cake. Redemption. Needless to say our conversation flows in the same vibe as our similar backgrounds, stories and experiences that move us. 

Knowing that this night would better be a quiet one, I am still too happy about my company to be sensible enough at this point to care enough to get some good rest. And so another drinking session starts that will make me go to sleep no earlier than the night before. An inconvenient guest is waking me up at 8am. Another failure for sleep that keeps moving throughout the days. I say bye to my new Suisse friend, giving her some last insight on what she'd shared with me the night before. Only minutes later I say bye to my latest youngest friend who left me speechless about his curious, open nature, yet so soft, so sensitive and awake, so similar to our mutual friend from the last days.

In exchange for them to go, my favorite girl is coming over. What a timing. I was hoping to see her again. Excitedly I tell him, cuddling him, kissing his face. Is everyone your friend? I’m looking at his screen for the bookings. I laugh. Whenever I'm in the bubbles, it indeed seems like it. She’s coming. And bringing… the world. Time. The past, the present, her presence and the future as a present. As a present. If I had only known in that moment how true these words were as she would start into a new year of her life the next day without me knowing. Yet this I will only understand when I've already left the city behind me.

As soon as she arrives, we get deeply involved, exchanging our stories that have broken our hearts and made us become who we are fully completely emotionally involved in what is and who we are, wanting to live life in every color of the spectrum. Bonding, creating a place that we want to not only exist in but thrive in, expand, explore, connect to more, to us and all the beauty of life. 

While we create an energy of sympathy and compassion it is spreading farther beyond than we could imagine. My eyes start widening when I read the messages that have come through in the last two hours. Love. Love. Love. From people who have left, from people I met, in a way I would have not imagined before. People she's met too. People that she's called back to me. Picking up our vibe, another young, sparkly soul is honoring us with his sincere, loving presence. From my beloved city that I used to live in. Connecting other pieces of the story. Asking for our advice, now sharing his heartbreak, asking our advice. When I finish speaking, all three look at me in awe, their eyes wide open, when the first one comments.. Oh wow Lina that was wise. That was so wise. I feel like I’ve moved something. This coming from her is a compliment. A huge one. He is nodding his head in agreement, just like my sweet, sitting next to me. He immediately gets up. I need to take a walk and think about this. I haven't thought about this before. This is a totally new perspective.

This night shall be short and quiet as he’s hanging with the boys and the rest of us moving towards our beds. Yet I get no rest. Trying to fall asleep isn’t exactly doing it. This is when he sends me a message asking if I’m still awake. I am, I go to pee, I see him through the door, he’s asking me to come with him and I do. I cross the yard and walk into the apartment. One last night together, yet rest is limited as he keeps going outside and my mind is all over the place, yet happy to have some last moments alone, together in closeness, finding an intimacy that wasn’t there before. 

The next day it’s time for a last run on the seaside. Moving along the boulevard, clouds hanging above my head. Time to go. I run into my friend, taking some walk with her before getting back. I ask Evolution for his room to do the yoga, no questions ask I still find some undissolved energy between us. But that’s just me. Rushing through my program, finishing with a warm meal and some last conversations, I call a taxi and say bye. To my friends and him. Way too fast, the car has already arrived only long enough to hug everyone for a few seconds. When I go outside, he comes one last time to kiss me. Message received. I’m on my way although I would have loved some more time here. Yet this will be a return.

When I arrive back in Tbilisi late at night totally destroyed, someone from the hostel comes walking  in the middle of the dark street to pick me from the train. He tells me about her birthday, shocking me to the core, knowing that I have only left a few hours ago. Her, that I appreciate and love so much, sitting talking for the last hours without having a proper goodbye, let alone a happy birthday. 

Arranging her some cake from Tblisi asking my love to do a small birthday contribution for her, they both send me pictures only two hours later, with her happy face, totally touched, blowing out the candle, thanking me as he’s conveyed my wishes to her just like she did the same thing reverse for me the night before. And so it goes around as it has all along throughout the days and will continue throughout the following. 

11:11. Our first excursion together. The nights have been hard when I cannot find rest because my bladder won’t let me sleep, causing pain, running to the toilet, my period not making it easier. Full moon cycle. A constant pressure waking me up over and over again, shifting between shivers and sweating. 

One day of Tbilsi after I pick him up from the airport. I show him my favorite places, tell him my stories. Stories about how I run repeatedly into people who know me and sometimes luckily I will remember them too. Just like in the morning. Classic scenario . Hey Lina so good to see you. Where have you been? I have quite literally no idea who this person is. 

When we walk towards the park I tell my friend the story of running into the Argentinien two weeks ago just around the corner while my friend claims that these things never happen to him. Just as we curiously explore all the stands with the fresh foods and handicraft arts, we turn around a corner and… of course run into him. Again. We’re laughing our ass off. Telepathy. We explore, observing the vivid spectacle of the Saturday afternoon park life from a bed bench, making our way back, buying my mom one of the paintings that we were fascinated by earlier. It’s 5 and time to have our first Georgian Khinkali together. Traditionally as a group of Georgians set themselves down on a table next to us, we get invited for a glass of homemade Georgian wine, finding a filled glass in front of us the same minute. It’s enough to make us feel drunk and to rekindle my medical condition.

A little reminder from the last weeks, making me laugh, the two silly guys referring to me as they had when we once met. Trying to anyhow kill my infection, eradicating the pain, even our homemade healing drink of turmeric black pepper chacha won’t do the trick anymore. I decide to get medication as slowly it starts becoming more painful. Exhausted, I lie down in bed, shortly after nine and finally fall into long sleep. The sleep that I’ve needed for so many days. Waking up ten hours later without feeling completely drained, I am hopeful to come alive again. Slowly taking breakfast, packing our things we make our way out. After a few minutes… another one. Someone inside a cafe catches my sight. Not again, I can’t believe it. Just like our first meeting five days ago it seems like I came at the right time, to the right place for what she was waiting for. I enter the cafe, hug her laughingly. We can’t believe it. Figuring out after two minutes of small talk that she’s on the same way as us but wasn’t sure how to manage. Seems like our energies have found each other yet another time when needed. It’s that time again that I usher us through the metro, on to the Marshrutka station, finding us the right busses. Just when we get inside, the driver takes off directly, about to fly. Fly high, up into the mountains. Here we come.