My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

 Lalalalala... Widdewidde wie sie mir gefaellt... Oh well... Finally all my understandings from the last weeks coming into being. I now can experience what I have understood over the last weeks. Only thing is, I have to come to terms with my long old friend bare minimum and zero effort policy that I've struggled with for so many years in guys. But hey here it is again. Our zero effort convenience policy. I only stand up to my words when it's comfortable for me. Not when it's actually about you. I told you I have other things to do. Why do I care how you feel? Why do I care what you need in that moment? I am here for myself and what I wanna do. I guess the convenience part was a real breakthrough for me. Luckily I've been doing the work over the last weeks and have gotten my percspective confirmed from the inside herself as well. Most likely I just had to see it myself with my own eyes to make sure my reality check was the real deal. And so that's what I did.  His op...

 Finally it's all coming out. Last night I was still fighting with all my emotions by myself. A subtle not so subtle curtain of fear, uncertainty and loneliness hanging over me, covering my heart. Shielding it. A shadow. A shadow from the past, from all that had happened that night - confusing, unclear, undissolved in what it meant. What it means now and for our time together. Past hurt arising inside of me. Past hurt expanding across my heart mixed with something good from now. If it can be good. Something beautiful that had happened. A connection. A connection entangled with emotions I haven't felt in a while and ought not to be lived freely now. That wasn't the heaviness. I don't need them to be lived. I needed them to be real. I needed the night to have been real. Admittedly. Not just for myself. I needed to hear it. From him. I needed to hear that I wasn't a place holder. That it wasn't 'the alcohol'.  I needed recognition of the realness of the thi...

HER - Sia Flames O ne foot in front of the other, babe One breath leads to another, yeah Just keep moving, oh Look within for the strength today Listen out for the voice to say Just keep moving, oh Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, but don't stop moving Go, go, go Figure it out, figure it out, you can do this So my love, keep on running You gotta get through the day, yeah There my love, keep on running Gotta keep those tears at bay, oh Oh, my love, don't stop burning Gotta send them up in flames In flames Don't stop, tomorrow's another day Don't stop, tomorrow you'll feel no pain Just keep moving, oh Don't stop the past'll trip you up You know, right now's gotta be enough Just keep moving This used to move me to tears. Today I take a bath in it like in all her songs. So close to myself. Whisperer A million voices screamed in my head And I felt sure that I would give in So why couldn't I now? Why couldn't I now? Your voice was louder Bu...