My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

  The waves seem to have crashed against the shore, becoming smaller... In these short pauses tiny waves of bitterness or anger arise in me. It’s been taking up my whole focus. Burned out for love, my urgent longing for BElonging answered in glimpses of moments. Not in really but in my heart. From the other side I just look like a side attraction beside that someone that really matters. Your thoughts about me disappear when I’m not around while mine are still floating around in free space desperately wanting to be answered, searching for connection. Notions, thoughts, feelings, perspective, emotions that want to be shared all around. From me. One sided. But you're not alone. You can't feel my urge. It's not the same. Unless I can separate myself, find some distance, some freedom, detach from all that wants to be through me and can't be. Shouldn't be.  In some ways it wants to grow so deeply, it wants to come out. And then it wwants to be put on hold. As it should. A...

Hopefully it's personal. There it reappears. My personal life topic . Personal personal. What can hurt me most is impersonal. If that night had nothing to do with me it would hurt the most. If it wasn't about me that would break me the most. Like it has before. Innumerable times. Not that it is separable anyways. You. Me. Personal reasons, personal for the other side due to their characteristics, their incapabilities, their personality lived through me without a reference connecting to me.  People keep saying it's nothing personal as if this was freeing as if this was making things better when for me this is worst interpretation possible. The worst feeling of them all. If this had nothing to do with me. If this would have happened with anyone, if this was not about me then why would I even care. If someone just lives their identity through me... Like I've experienced it throughout all my life. In so many different facets. To me this is a burden, an insult, an abuse, a w...

 The beginning of summer. It's hot. It's been like this for days now. The blistering unexpected heat of the high summer. Today is the day. A few reminders have been sent my way the past few days. Reminders of what I've been through. Two years ago exactly today. My biggest heartbreak. Or one of them anyway. One that stuck with me. His kindness, his love, his care. His attentiveness, sensitivity and strength. His dedication. His dedication to care for me in the most beautiful way possible, a way that I have never known of, before he disappeared into the endless time and space of the universe. Leaving me behind at the beginning of summer. Today. Two years ago. In the place I love and miss so much. Today I'm looking at the mountains. I'm sitting on the balcony. Our balcony. Already tipsy of a few glasses of wine. Like there like here. We come back. I almost reach my low of energy, my eyes desperately wanting to shut with every minute that passes more. But I can't go...