My beloved Spiritual Ego

Sometimes this thin layer, a dusty cover of darkness or sadness is accompanying me out of nowhere. It's like the energy around me turns from sparkling gold into a light grey like the dust on an old shelve from the attic or the clouds moving through the sky right before it's starting to rain. Like today. I'm tired early these days but my body does not go to sleep. It's this in between state, like floating in space. There is time and there is space but I'm missing the connection to either. Maybe it is because I'm in this state of drastic change synching with the world’s and season of change. Maybe I feel all that. Maybe it’s the stars, maybe it’s my mind which seems kind of blank these days. No intense feelings…I thought.

… But then yesterday I get these messages from this guy I hosted at my place not knowing him before for a whole of three days. We got along very well. We shared all our time, we talked a lot, took walks, ate and drank together, exchanged our hearts and minds on all different kinds of topics and had a lot in common on different levels of perceiving the world, feeling towards relationships, our mindsets on life, ethics and morals. BUT…And this is what I seem to have started to realize through my feelings…We are in different states of our spiritual growth. And so some discrepancies would start rising up inside of me…

A few days ago he would ask me about seeing each other again. After having worked my energy off a lot of people coming into my life over and over again the past year and me resisting to learn from it, this time I finally let my intuition guide me. And it did quite a brilliant job. I could sense the subtle signals, this kind of uncomfortable feeling, something that wasn’t synchronizing inside of me, a familiar feeling, a feeling I wasn’t ready to listen to before but now could recall instantly. Still it hit me in my sensitive spot; warning me that there was something else to come that I wasn’t ready to handle.

I decided to not ghost and hide but instead will put into practice what I had to learn so harshly and so I tried to explain to him in short why I did not wanna meet again. I objected his offer telling him that I have these triggers in our communication that I know I am not ready yet to face because I am just in the phase of recognizing them myself and trying to transform them. These contradictions in thoughts, feeling, perception and behavior. These typical behaviors of protection. He would let me know that he is deleting all his messengers and dating apps and putting his phone on flight mode so I will not be able to reach him anymore but what he did in reality was texting me over a week, trying to meet up, reinstalling another dating app to meet more girls and putting his phone on flight mode right after he had asked me to meet up in the park. Strategies to protect our heart from being touched or may the Universe allow be broken when really we are only breaking ourselves by doing so acting out of fear making this hole inside of us even bigger instead of healing it.

Building up this identity of a spiritual being by using Digital Detox, Meditation, Working out, clean eating, travelling, writing diary, doing yoga, whatever it may be without connecting it in our hearts but to the outside world, is in reality not our being but an identification with being spiritual, being open, which again is a trick of the mind, the master trick of the mind, it is the SPIRITUAL EGO. There is a difference between taking care of your body by working out and once a week turning off the phone or a few hours a day and working out to be able to be admired for the muscles and strength I build and turning my phone off just when I asked a person to meet up to get attention.

Although I just got a tiny glimpse of these strategies, this form of identification with the spiritual ego, I knew very well. My master mind would use exactly that to judge and form an opinion about it. Just like he does, it is a mirror. Surely he wouldn’t see this in himself as I couldn’t either before truly believing my heart was OPEN and vulnerable when really it was just my ego telling me this to build my perfect spiritual identification. 

In all his communication he would just speak to himself stating over and over again why he wants to meet up again, how he sees things, no pressure, easy, open and so on, without once even interacting with me, referring to what I had told him, making any sort of connection. Already this tiny piece hurt me enough, not being seen because he needs to be seen. My perfect Mirror. We all just put things out there that we need to hear for ourselves, that shall strengthen our view on the world, our feelings, opinions. The picture we have of our own Universe, of ourselves, our identity. It is a very simple but powerful trick that our mind is playing on us constantly to keep us inside our self made identities away from our true being of love. Our mind will always make sure to find a way to confirm our view that we already have on the world. Due to this genius trick basically no one can touch us from the outside because are convinced that you already are there. That we are already this spiritual open being. Well there is one thing to remember. We are not our mind. And our mind doesn’t like hearing that. Once we get a glance into that truth we can start breaking open. Breaking free, coming into our spirits.

And here I am doing it in the attempt not to let this mind game hurt me, writing it down being confronted with my own path of spiritual growth. This is all the reason why I knew I wasn’t ready for this communication with him because I am still in the same spiral, trying to come into my heart while still hanging in some old attention seeking patterns.

Naturally this move of rejecting his offer turned into the mirror of my soul again as it reliably does each time. It would naturally bring out the feelings and thoughts, perceptions that I’ve been struggling with for the past weeks, that I have just started to see, recognize, understand and accept trying to transform them. Inherently the Universe sends me this person reminding me of all my previous encounters, in the same pattern trying to challenge me in what I have learned. Trying to test if I did the same thing over and over again or find in spite of my pain and fear a way out of the situation and move on not playing along with “The Game of the Spiritual Ego”. It is the Game of the Master Mind. Hard to recognize or even break through.

I feel in the deepest gratitude being given this opportunity by the Universe, this gift, this chance to learn in shape of a familiar persona coming into my life. A test for my heart if I could transform my shadow into light. If I can start overcoming my pain of not being seen, not being heard, not being recognized, not getting the attention that I’m craving for and transform it into Love instead. Love for myself, for him without stepping with him into the Ego Game and play along until my energy is drained asking myself in the end how it got that far without noticing that my intuition had shown me from the beginning all I needed to know. And so I try this time.

Once you release your fear of loss, you become
empowered in your decision making

EDIT: 27/02/2021:

As my HD-Definition is Triple Split so did my Spiritual Ego Tripletrick me as my favourite best mirror in the world revealed to me right after I had finished writing this text and was so connected to my own conviction - but still blindly in pain as my friendly loving Mirror Vera revealed to me effortlessly. The exact thing I was describing has happened to me. I was in pain, not wanting to see or even believe that there was this guy who liked me, asking me to meet up again because he liked me...(Not as I in my presumptuous state of mind assumed that he was just bored and had too much time on his hands like I cannot believe someone would actually spend time with me out of free will AND because He actually really liked me). Not once, not twice but three times regardless of what way I was trying to turn him down. Not even taking any note on it, inviting me to dinner at last. 

Finishing this piece of writing his invitation had felt like the biggest insult after all that I had been trying to tell him. Only minutes later listening to all these words of wisdom from my mirror who knows me so well inside and out, most of all my blind spots of pain and hurt, I completely withdrew myself from my ego, stepped outside of it, sent this persistent man a text back asking to have a drink at night. Although he had already made different plans for this Friday night because I had ignored his invitation he rearranged his night, to come over and see me, bringing prosecco, being with me, listening to me, my feelings and thoughts, reconnect to what he had felt we already had started off with from the beginning. As soon as he entered my place, he started smiling, saying how happy he was to see me, kiss me on my face, sit down and empathically like I never played little hurt Rumpelstiltskin ask about my being, my heart, my days. It was amazingly effortless, natural, no asking about my behaviour, no blaming, just being. Being happy, in love. He came in love. To me. After I had rejected him more than once without him knowing why. He said he just really wanted to see me again. He cancelled another date, he only wanted to reconnect with me. I can say nothing more than this meeting felt wonderfully comfortable, easy, natural, open, honest and meant to be. I feel the deepest gratitude for having stepped out of my pain, to open up again and for this wonderful soul being understanding without needing to know. Being accepting of who I am without knowing why.

The most Gratitude I feel after all towards my most favourite mirror of my heart, in pain and in happiness. My in SHOCK FRIENDSHIP Partner in crime VERA. We fell in Love, at least I know I did, from the first moment I saw her last summer. She sees my heart, she knows my soul and she is brave enough to face my fear and pain while standing by my side when I am going through it. Thank you Vera for being....exactly who you are.

~ I LOVE YOU VERA BECAUSE YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. ~