A day in March

 Waking up completely rested feels like such a gift after going to bed super tired the night before. Being healthy, awake, breathing, having the sun shining into my room with its golden light brightening also up my universe in these first hours of the day. Having beautiful people who won't give up on me ,trying to she me how I am worthy, how much they love me without me having to do or be anything else than I already am.

When I arrived at work yesterday [12:30pm - Lunch Time] one of my colleagues was standing in the sun seeing me a wide smile moving through her face. She would approach me in surprise of seeing me, asking when I was leaving and if we still got the chance to say good bye. She stated that it really made her sad seeing me leave, that she would complain to our boss that we couldn't have a good bye drink. Just a few minutes later 2 other colleagues joined in expressing their sorrow me leaving, offering me their places wherever I would be in the world, telling me they can't wait that I will come visit. We were standing there in the sun and I could feel my heart moving from the looks in their eyes. It was honest sadness of me leaving just like other colleagues had expressed towards me before as well. So many times I just brush off these open demonstrations of feelings, of love, of appreciation, of gratitude for me turning them from me by taking them not truly seriously inside, degrading them, telling myself  "ah it's just my colleagues. They have to say that". Or "no he is just saying this because he has to." ......... Writing this, it comes more and more into my heart how I am not only degrading the love that people show towards me giving me, but most of all degrading myself without noticing every time. Again and again. I judge. Everyone who will show me true affection without expecting anything else of me but my being me I put below because I cannot accept that I am being loved, that I mean so much to them. Just like this. It doesn't even go inside my system, it just goes in and I let it out again without having it let touch my heart.

I just go back into my safe space where I am protected. But I don't see this and so don't other people. I became such a perfect angel actress that I even started believing myself, putting the smile up my face, playing things over, laughing instead of crying, swallowing down my feelings instead of throwing them up. I do have those very functional strategies for a good reason because it used to be exactly the other way around and God knows that did not serve me at all. It would not do me any good and I had to go through the longest most difficult times of suffering to transform it into this beautiful smile of mine, this shining aura. That's the reason why my mind is not really eager to give up and let got of that beautiful transformed me, this happy, stable, in control, confident shining self. But...This is life exactly and only that. Transformation. Like a butterfly. From one cocoon into the next to become a butterfly again. 

So time has come to get into the next stage of transformation. The process is a spiraling journey that never ends. It's the evolution of our own personal being. Just as we go to sleep every night we will go back to sleep after we had an awakening. If we believe once we have an awakening that's it we have finished our process there is nothing more to learn we have misunderstood life. Life is a never ending process of waking up and going back to sleep. Some days we have bigger awakenings, some days we have smaller ones. But we cannot forget that parts of us are always sleeping. The parts we haven't discovered yet. 

Patterns we have established for ourselves in the past have served us for a reason to protect us from pain that we have learned before. I decided it doesn't matter what I have been through in the past, it doesn't matter what kind of stories I'm telling myself to be true. Time has come to be in the NOW, let go of the past. 

The more we tell ourselves the stories of the past the more we stabilize the picture, the identity we have of ourselves and therefore get into our true being of energy in motion, moving around, changing at all times. We are the blue sky. A blank sheet of paper. By putting up all these images, pictures, feelings, thoughts about ourselves, who we think we are, by telling us each and every day the stories from our past we cover up our true being like covering up a white board with sticky notes until we can't see anything anymore but the information, the false identification we have build for ourselves. We make it impossible for ourselves to see who we really are free moving energy of light that is moving through the universe, growing at all times. We take away our own nature of letting it be what it is. Love. Looking to reconnect, to interact, to come together again, to become whole, to become one.

Our stories separate us from each other. Our stories separate us from ourselves. Believing that my pain is love I have only just recently started to learn, see and feel what a mistake I have been making for so long and I still will. Because I have build myself such functional stories that they have become very hard for me to break through. But now that I have gotten a glimpse of what could be I am ready to tear down these wall papers that I have hung up as my desired or false identity. I am ready to uncover. I am ready to be loved. I am ready to love myself because of the way I am. And I am ready to let others love me as well because I deeply believe that is the biggest purpose I am here for. We are all here for. To heal. Together. Embracing our love.