Declaration of Sincere Love

 He doesn't care about my past. He doesn't care about anything I have to say in opposition to him.  He will create a big show according to his appearance.  Since the day we have met. Only the intensity and honesty has increased dramatically over time. He would come walking up the street in his Bavarian Berlin Paris Nigerian Model attitude. Tall, dark and handsome a sparkling glitter mask on his face, fake lashes stuck to his eyes, his blonde wig flitting in the wind. His  High Heels clicking on the paving stone, his Gucci Bag hanging from his arm. He is wearing a furry coat making a big entrance without entering anything. As his appearance he will create a big entertaining show as he has learned in the business.

And so he goes on and on like a Mantra singer or if you want to put it in a more annoying way like a broken disc changing between the exhaustingly annoyed and frustrated coach friend, waving his finger in my face, pulling me up the couch to teach me how to stand tall like a queen moving into telling me how extraordinarily wonderful of a persona I am and in that matter how grateful he is and how proud of himself that he has gotten to know me, overpouring me with his sincerest of Love. 

"You know I love you more than anything. I want you to go in love, with love. You have a family that loves you so much. You need to let go. You have it all. You are perfect, you are the most beautiful and wonderful person I've met. Just you need to let it go. Ah bitch you get me so frustrated. How long are you still going to tell me the same thing? You need time. I've been knowing you now for 4 months and bitch still you keep doing the same thing [throwing himself on the floor rolling his eyes, playing dead]. You're making yourself so small, lowering yourself. You just don't see yourself. You have it all, you are perfect, you are almost as perfect as I am. You think you are not welcome, you think you are not loved. Always you try to make it right for everyone. Once I enter your apartment you start serving me drinks. Bitch I feel home at your place. I don't do that shit when you are at my place because I know who I am. I love you Baby. Unconditionally. You know I will make you forget that. I am your genie. I will not let you go. I will not let you leave before you are shining like the queen you are. Pick up your chin, stand straight, walk like the bright light you are. [tearing me off the couch up on my feet kissing me, flipping up my chin again and again with his index finger]. Bitch stop playing. You are always so scared of being loved but you know baby you are so wonderful. You are gorgeous like God himself made you, flawless and I will make you realize this before you go because you are my friend and I love you so much, I will not leave you, I will always make sure you are ok, that someone has an eye on you, nobody can abuse you again, no matter where you go in the world or where you are trying to hide. I am loyal, I will be your friend, I will pick you up from the streets. Just let go of your past, I want to see you happy, shining. You are an artist baby. You have it in you with this extraordinary body, and your face. Oh god. I wish you could see what I see. Bitch you know I am so proud of myself that I was brave enough to start speaking to you. I don't know why but there was something about you that I knew I needed to get to know you. You know I just thought I need to get to know that bitch. Look at her hair it is so ugly I need to fix her. And now you are really annoying me. No matter where I go and what I do I just think about you and your family. Since I got to know you I have changed so much, you know I learned so much from you. I started getting rid of all my Gucci, Prada, Chanel, Louis V. because you know I know I am a drama queen and I have just bought all these expensive things, all the clothes, the diamonds, the sun glasses, my bags because I want to cover up my pain. But you inspired me to live more minimalistic, I am so so grateful that I had the courage to speak to you. I am so happy that I can be part of your life. But you know you fucked  up my vacation. I was sitting in the jacuzzi eating my lobster, drinking champagne when you bitch just came to my mind. And I just thought oh Lina. I need to see her. She is so wonderful she cannot go without having talked to her family. Stand up, tell them how she feels. Don't make the same mistake I did. You have your family that loves you more than anything. Don't leave like this running away from yourself.  You need to let go of your unworthy picture of yourself that you don't deserve to be loved and need to understand how amazing you are. You are an artist baby, live your potential. Fly high. Wear your crown. Walk down the catwalk with your chin high. I will not accept anything else. I don't care about any of your crappy excuses of  'oh when I was a child I used to be fat. Oh but you don't know what I have experienced when I was younger' [waving his index finger at my face]. I can read between the lines. You can analyse all you want like your dad you both think you are psychologists but you can stop with your bullshit now and just hug each other. Look, your daughter wants to snuggle up. Peter give her a kiss. And Lina look your dad loves you so much and your brother. Stop making yourself smaller than them.

It's time to let go. You have it all. You are complete. You have everything. Just let go. Stop identifying yourself with your past. It is not you. And you are being loved unconditionally. I love you because you are brilliant."

Over the past weeks I have gotten to know more about myself than I have in the past years before I would say. Or at least I can say I learned in a very different way that I could not have assumed before could be useful for me or anyone else. Just by being loud, using inappropriate language behaving like he is a superficial stereotype of gay hairdresser model. It took me a few times to let go of my scepticism and my judgement to take him seriously while he made sure of his loyalty from day one, being there calling me his friend, giving giving giving, letting not go of his picture of me making sure I will get it no matter how much work this meant for him. Not only did I start developing the highest of respect for this unique, incredibly strong soul with the biggest of hearts but I started to love him as he found a channel to my heart which I realized once tears started rolling out of my eyes, down my face yesterday on my way to work thinking about his words while he looks at me with his big brown eyes in sincerity of just wanting to save me, to make me happy to protect me like a child, like a friend full of unconditional love. Unconditional Love that I have not learned existed. Unconditional love that I don't know how to feel. And so he keeps repeating his words like a Mantra. Because he knows this is what it takes...Well I now start getting a glimpse of what it means. Being loved. Just like this.