My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

 [31.05.2021] Berat. Happy Birthday to myself. Sitting in "Eni" Res­taurant. A glass of fresh sparkling wine, moussaka, Dolmar, Fergese and roasted bread in front of me, my stomach almost overly full, the plates as well. The usual. The view on the Incredible rocks of Berat, the old houses climbing up hill, a carriage with an old couple and a child, pulled by a donkey moving by the bridge, the sun shining, temperatures rising, it's 2:30 pm. Afternoon. Albania.  I love this place. So charming, nature, the kindhearted people, as I write "people" the enormously friendly waiter comes up to me asking me about my background, telling me that he is doing social work and gender equality work in Tirana. I Love this place. I don't believe in things or situations happening that some may call "coincidence". Every moment  I'm here I can feel the energy, the field of limitless infor­mation conspiring for me and everyone being on this planet. I have to believe ...

I hope you can heal. I hope you can break through yourself constructed identity built up through pain by your past experiences, culture, society, traditions, your parents and past relationships. Loving someone is not easy. For me love doesn't mean loving the happy smile, the beautiful face or the well shaped body. It does not mean when I shine my brightest light of love to the world outside and you receive it that you are in love with me. It is the other way around. You see my love, you feel my love, you take it because you need it. That light seems beautiful for every­one who sees it but has nothing to do with respecting a person for who she is inside with all her charac­ter, her flaws, history, culture, mindset, habits and feelings no matter what.  It is quite the opposite of love to leave me behind when I do not function anymore the way you want me to, when I speak my heart, my mind because you hurt me by taking physical control over me more than once and don't want to hear ...

I betrayed myself.  "I love you" you said the third Day after we met for the first time. "Do you want to be a couple?" you ask the third time we see each other. "No." I automatically reply out of instinct, feeling caged, not seen, not understood, hearing your inner child again asking for Love and care. Only hours later you would drop me out your car and leave, taking off without a word of good bye, without looking me into my eyes that hadn't even dried from the tears I cried only minutes before when I went to wash my face, turning around, you were gone.  My eyes seeing new friendly faces, new souls catching me, supporting the cause that's closest to my heart, connecting going hand in hand with my beloved friends, carrying me towards the end of the day in comfort. Listening to me, understanding me, embracing my heart, guiding me through the night until my body touches the soft sheets of my bed, fully dressed I fall into darkness in the deepest exhau...

Waking up the next morning to the brightest of sunshine, viewing the mountain range in all colors the highest peaks still carrying the last snow from the past cold days into the summer, I make my way on the road again walking trying to find milk for my morning coffee. Hopping into a car dropping me off at the first tiny shop, I enter look at the owner, she's smiling, I smile we know each other. Happy to meet again after I have been in there on the road on Sunday buying all kinds of snacks. When despite all her efforts I wasn't able to get milk, leaving her with a disappointed face of not having the chance to get me what I had come for, I made my way to the neighboring shop again trying my luck  explaining  with hands and feet  what I wanted until the curious looking woman goes to the back and gets me a quarter of a bottle of her private milk, puts a glass of fresh walnuts in syrup on the counter, and points me that it's from the region. I take it, pay and walk back in the...

 First day alone on my way to the camp from Aroma hotel I start walking up the main road of this area of Përmet. Only minutes after taking off with ally belongings, feeling like in one of the latest travel documentaries on Netflix, Cars passing by honking, people waving, cars stopping, nodding, saying hi, smiling, as man across the street gets off his bike, stopping,smiling at me asking for my nationality, laughing like a child learning that I'm German, happy, he joins me walking for 20 minutes, his wife calling, handing me the phone encouraging to say something, telling me about his 3 children in his broken German, so grateful, telling me his story, wishing me the best of luck, living the life of a queen in love and happiness before he gets back on his bike pursuing his day.  Hitting the road in the peaceful sceneric mountain range, green hills, sun burning down on me on the long asphalt road wishing for an ice cream, and water, a shop showing just seconds afterwards, the sel...

Moving from the new arrival, new surrounding of an unexplored space to the next in another wonderful country,  yet undiscovered,  arriving at this welcoming beautiful oasis in the jungle of an exciting city, having a safe space, inspiration, friends, a place to share, a place of exchange, a place without judgement, a place of learnings and growth, taking me in with open arms, people caring for me with open hearts, taking me yet on another journey of my longing, carrying me, bringing light, taking me where I belong when time of separation grows into its full potential letting me continue my journey through life with your overly warm soul, filling my life with unconditional love and care as a gift of God.  Dipping into the thermal springs while dawn is arising behind the majestic mountains bringing us closer astonished by the Rocky bridges, sceneries of splashing  water   slowly moving towards the end of the day connecting our souls in trust synchronizing, buildin...

Crying on his arm like a baby- feeling safe, seen, cared for going in loops up the green mountains, bringing back memories of the love of my life with  my love from the same place next to me entering my life only 24 hours before reconnecting touching my heart, taking me  on the road of Love the journey, the way starting off with three beautiful open empathic souls that would show themselves to me only days before taking me in love to the trip in gratitude bringing  a new Soul, opening me up, bringing us into the light inside and out, into the Sun enjoying the freshest vegetables, the tastiest Potatoes, refreshing drinks looking at the water of life, the Adria coast crystal clear turquoise, life in movement, moving towards it, in it, with it, washing away all doubts, all worries, all thoughts about the future connecting in the here and now through his eyes granting me access to his soul, his heart, my soul,  my heart, our heart, the heart of the  Universe, soothi...