808 and heartbreak.

I betrayed myself. 

"I love you" you said the third Day after we met for the first time. "Do you want to be a couple?" you ask the third time we see each other. "No." I automatically reply out of instinct, feeling caged, not seen, not understood, hearing your inner child again asking for Love and care. Only hours later you would drop me out your car and leave, taking off without a word of good bye, without looking me into my eyes that hadn't even dried from the tears I cried only minutes before when I went to wash my face, turning around, you were gone. 

My eyes seeing new friendly faces, new souls catching me, supporting the cause that's closest to my heart, connecting going hand in hand with my beloved friends, carrying me towards the end of the day in comfort. Listening to me, understanding me, embracing my heart, guiding me through the night until my body touches the soft sheets of my bed, fully dressed I fall into darkness in the deepest exhaustion. 

I betrayed myself ignoring my instincts once again in the attempt to listen to your heart in need of love and care. Giving my loving energy in exchange for the words my child wanted to hear. "I can learn so much from you. I was waiting for you. I knew you would come into my life to teach me" you said.

My heart knows these words for I have heard them too many times knowing they are dangerous. I would ignore the signs only to hear the same words after you leave without looking back. I asked you if this is how you understood love. You said "I think it's not safe for me to be around you. And I can't give a good bye hug after you screaming at me. It was good but it started to turn into something ugly."



I think about unconditional Love, Respect, acceptance, embracing the times, the situations also when it becomes difficult, especially when the pain is coming out, especially when love is needed the most to heal, understand and grow but you ran away. Left me when I did not func­tion the way you wanted me to anymore. You did not want to hear me speak, you did not want to listen to my heart, you did not want to see my tears, I wasn't allowed to yell at you when my child started crying because it wasn't heard. You were my mirror.  I got disappointed once again.

Who was that person who disappoin­ted me in the same manner that I knew so well?

It was myself. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I Love you - Thank you. 



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