Life is a Decision

When you look at a flower and you find it very beautiful and you go and pick it to enjoy her beauty, just soon afterwards you will see how it's dying, wilting. Why is it not beautiful anymore you ask yourself? It needed protection. You picked it and you let it die. I needed your protection. 

The past weeks my life seems to have started to go through a dramatic transformation in every way I can possibly think of. It feels like a very powerful wave moving through my days over and over again with such strong force of emotional energy, shaking everything up that has been created in the past like a tsunami crashing on the shore, an earthquake shaking up my entire existence, rearranging, selecting, collecting bringing all existence into a new order that seems to have been needed for quite some time, having felt this knot inside of me somewhere in my solar plexus, sometimes feeling sick, not knowing the reasons, just this deep notion of wanting to throw up my emotions that I couldn't even get in touch with. Numbness. Blindness. Confusion. Suppressed burdens, pains, fears, a deep fundamental feeling of shame and guilt, of feeling like a fraud. A fraud. Unseen, misunderstood, unheard, betraying myself by my own inability of listening to myself, my needs, my desires, my pain and shame. These nagging indicators so subtle that I couldn't find them, couldn't see them, could not understand who they are. Which parts of me they are, like strangers hiding in the darkest place inside of me remaining in the blind spot taking their toll on me, slowly creeping through me carried by my unawareness, nourished by my fear of bringing them into light. Too far away from the day light to see them, in kindness, with courage, in self love, caring for myself. 

My heart breaking again and again. Breaking open with the people I love the most at the time, all my long rigid pain rushing out of my heart and body. A flood of tears every day washing over my face creating a sea of dissolving pain, an ocean of healing energy, long forgotten judgement, guilt and shame fina­lly being seen, detected, accepted, treasured in gratitude. Slowly understanding who I am, who I want to be, who I wish to become. Which are the values that I want to live after. Finally getting a sense for all the pain I cause myself always coming back to one and the same reason. Making decisions against my true values and therefore myself. Betrayal on myself and who I believe to be. 

Being heartbroken by feeling unwanted in love, relationships of all kinds, romantic and friendships. Feeling misunderstood and rejected because I didn't feel when to say No. When to stop, when to go when my heart had already been shaken long be­fore, giving away my responsibility for my well being and happiness, giving my love out to the ones I love expecting the same back when only it can ever work the other way around. Not being fully charged with love but living on an empty battery I tried forcing myself to give more in deep guilt of feeling like a fraud in my fear belief if I stopped giving I will be detected. People will understand that I am not that shining light they think they see in me. 

Did I not trust myself and therefore not others to hold me when I fall? To embrace me when I feel lost and empty, to hold my hand when I 'm crying. But they did. just sometimes we cannot choose who will be holding our hand as love is free. Projecting my wish of being cared for on the person who wasn't able to give me his love instead of letting the healing love of all my beautiful friends take its course caused myself more and more pain. Having my own expec­tations, ideas, pictures of a story that wasn't reality. Struggling. Being rejected in my love asking myself what's causing all my pain. Why I couldn't see before, where I did not know enough of my heart to protect it from pain, causing myself to suffer by blaming my unawareness to the power of physical attrac­tion causing myself guilt feelings. 

Understanding that only one thing truly caused me pain which was not being ready to accept how fragile my heart is, accepting my deep and strongest desire of wanting to be loved. Putting my strong suit on for showing how I can take it all, when really I cannot. When all my heart does is giving out Love 1oo % for the person I choose. Not receiving the same back, HURT. Making the decision of opening my heart fully and completely as I do for every one once I decide I love you I had to learn that also I cannot al­ways avoid the pain as long as I shall not be enlightened and therefore am in a process of healing as everyone else is too. 

Being's entangled in everyone's healing processes realizing that when different parties are in their own struggles, not being fully charged we may as well rather step away for just a little bit to understand our own pain before we project it onto the next person we love.

Being laughed at when I was deeply in pain having it called "no drama" strategy, rejecting my heart, my pain I now know you couldn't do better at this moment my heart screaming louder, showing my sorrow to the outside, you told me to stop. You did not want any pain and so I was asked to make a decision: you or my heart. I chose you. Out of fear. Out of fear of losing your love. I didn't choose love and so I lost you right there because fear can never create love. In my heart's longing for being loved for who I am I took quite the oppo­site decision once again. Unknowingly. The outcome could only be one  and the same. You distancing yourself. Stepping away because you weren't ready and because I didn't respect my heart and so you gave it back to me. You returned it back to me before it could break more in my blind attempt, my deepest longing of being Loved fully and completely. You did me a favor. You made the decision I couldn't take. You decided for your own heart. You didn't betray yourself. 

All this shaming and blaming myself for my deep desire of wanting to be loved, wanting to be seen and heard for who I truly am was basing my decision making on fear instead of love and so it could naturally do no other but cause the opposite. 

Understanding that each and every moment in our life is a decision we make causing a chain reaction for each and every one especially the ones close to us I felt the urge to de­fine my relationships, the way I decide who I wish to have in my life, who I share my energy with and what values I base my decision making on as I understand very well for myself now that every second I breathe is a decision and each and every decision is not only a decison for something but at the same time always also a decision against some­thing else as everything in the Universe is connected and so we are not alone and isolated in whatever decision we make. It has an effect. Always. Not solely on us but on others as well.

I didn't know better. You didn't know better. So there is no space in this world for guilt. But what there is space for is to define our values again on which we base our decision making any time. And so I try. What is important to me? How do I want to live and who will my decisions have an impact on? Who is important to me?

The highest frequence we can live on is the one of being of service. But only can we be of service when we are in abundance, when we are fully charged, when we take care of our own energy and heart.

Walking on that thin line between taking care of ourselves and being of service to others is still an enormous lesson for me to learn and proactively work on every day. Finding the balance. Being in power and using it at the right time for the right people isn't always an easy task. But I learn for my life that this is essential for my well being and therefore the wellbeing of everyone else. 

As my highest value is the well being of everyone I love I need to understand that first of all I need to be in my fullest capa­city to be able to truly act from my heart and not out of fear. Only can I act out of love when I understand that energy is limited. Not in the Universe for there it is the opposite but for the amount I have, I must connect to the Universe, to the field of open love and potential and in order to be able to access that gate, to tap into that endless energy I need to heal, to know my pain, my struggles, my fears and difficulties. Getting there is the dance of life. Life itself. Neverending but always moving.