My Spiritual Ego - Morning pages einer Erwachenden

It's the first early morning hours. The surrounding breathtaking. The most beautiful mountains of the Greater Caucasus surrounding me, laying in paradise garden, viewing the incredible green mountains topped with the towers of Svaneti like a fairy tale, the sun slowly rising up higher to its fullest potential,  a cup of coffee in front of me, fresh Georgian bread, cheese and homemade jam next to me.  "Would you like breakfast tomorrow?" She asks me once I had put down my bags. "No." I automatically reply since I have just enough cash left to pay my room for the two nights wishing to even extend my stay. I ask her again for the exact price per night and tell her that I didn't bring enough money from Mestia for all the days up in the mountains. I feel bad. I can already feel her kindness, she's smiling at me.  Slowly the sun is moving towards me, warming my face. I feel home. Again tears quietly rising from my eyes. This beauty of Life. I can't put it ...

 And so I watch them walking out the metal gate leaving this beautiful garden the mountains in the back with the view on the old towers hearing the white noise of Ushguli river. Tears rise up my eyes. My heart. Saying bye still hurts. I Love them.Their soul, their open, kind, interes­ted minds, embracing me the first night we met, not even two days before. Inviting me for a beer the  most happy smile in his face, he keeps asking me all kinds of questions about who I am, and what I do with my life. "I am so happy I got to meet and talk to you" He says, my heart is smiling, moved, touched in a way that seems I have been missing. Only the next morning right before taking off to another day of hiking he hands me a Golden Coin and says: "There is something I want to give you. It's the Slovakian national hero. It shall bring you Luck for your journey." I hugged him, more like falling into his arms so touched by this random ges­ture caring so deeply from his heart and ...

Having taken on the topic of my last attempt of opening my heart and have had it broken again brought me yet thankfully a new angle on my wild turmoil, introducing the different levels of human connection, projection and how all the entanglement was causing me emotional confusion I wasn't able to dissolve until now. Luckily now understanding that just because we do find connection with a person on one or two levels does not necessarily mean we truly connect as a whole deeply in our souls as this is the deepest and last level of spirituality. Setting apart the four levels of physique, emotion, mental state and spirituality helped me to find clarity over most of my "failed" past relationships going up into flames and understanding why I have stepped into similar patterns with very different people over and over again. As I haven't been aware of the multilayered channels through which we can connect with each and every person I was many times struck in total confusion by...

Emptiness. Confusion. Still lost. Lost in my pain, my transformation. Not being able to process yet. Working through. Blocking myself floating around in the universe like a lost little soul blown away by the wind, trying to change my surrounding to a more comfortable one, getting stuck in the unbearable heat of the big cities of Turkey, feeling more lost being at CS places which distance me myself even more from my inner being, bouncing into situations that require elaborated intercultural communication skills, giving my all, myself when really I am already drained and the only thing I need is a friend. A good friend who loves me, who's catching me, who is there for me comforting me in my being, supporting the progress in the process, giving me sympathy to find my way back to myself. Being ex­posed to this unavoidable blistering heat day and night, pushing me to move on, find a cool spot to become clean, clear like pristine water, my inner pain pushing me forward in need of a fresh...

 "What are you doing?" He asks I'm looking at him the pot in my hands ready to clean it. "You're the guest. You can't do this." I'm laughing.I love this. I'm at Berkan's and Özkan's parents house, the two brothers 26 and 29 years young. I had contacted Berkan on Couchsurfing and they initially invited me already when I had arrived in Istanbul being very sick a few days before. Supplying me with medication, checking up on me, taking care of everything for me. Organizing the proper medication (lucky me Özkan is a nurse and did a very professional long distance diagnosis via Whats App after days of not being able to eat, nausea, fatigue, weakness, blood circulation problems, headaches, not holding anything inside, simply feeling out of order like someone unplugged me, existing becoming challenging every day), Berkan coming all the long way of 90 minutes to my hostel, trying to organize me a Sim card that's not overpriced, a metro card an...