You are part of me and I am part of you

Emptiness. Confusion. Still lost. Lost in my pain, my transformation. Not being able to process yet. Working through. Blocking myself floating around in the universe like a lost little soul blown away by the wind, trying to change my surrounding to a more comfortable one, getting stuck in the unbearable heat of the big cities of Turkey, feeling more lost being at CS places which distance me myself even more from my inner being, bouncing into situations that require elaborated intercultural communication skills, giving my all, myself when really I am already drained and the only thing I need is a friend. A good friend who loves me, who's catching me, who is there for me comforting me in my being, supporting the progress in the process, giving me sympathy to find my way back to myself. Being ex­posed to this unavoidable blistering heat day and night, pushing me to move on, find a cool spot to become clean, clear like pristine water, my inner pain pushing me forward in need of a fresh surrounding to find my inner peace again. Find balance, healing, feel myself again. Going to bits and pieces of my encounter with you after some time that broke my heart, yet it did the opposite. Making me understand much later that you had brought out a longing inside of me that's been deeply burried, remaining unseen, in the dark for long uncovered by our encounter. The longing for love, the fundamental desire of being loved,  which was all the reason why I was hurt so much. Not being given the love that I was craving. From you. It cut me open. At the same time all my own confusion about my own heart and soul, our connection that seemed to come and go like the wind, blocked me from healing, from finding clarity as to why things turned out the way they did. Making it more difficult finding no reasons to dislike you or judge over what you did or how you behaved because I understand. We were honest with each other as far as we knew, you did the best you could and so did l. Trying to find the spot of my confusion where I lost myself and clarity of my emotions, blaming myself for it. Being so intensly drawn to you physically, also emotionally but not mentally, causing me a wild mix of feelings that were too diffuse for me to control or disentangle for that matter catching me by surprise. Feeling such a strong physical attraction to someone, as I haven't felt in a very long time, feeling my body's needs for the first time in what feels like an eternity being mirrored directly in a real living human being, a man from flesh and blood, who could fulfill this part of my desire but not the desire of my heart being loved caused me deep confusion. My heart still scattered when remembering the last moment I saw you, tears rolling from my eyes every time dripping on me pure like a child missing their home, when you came to my bed to say good bye, crawling into my arms lying with me, just for a few minutes for the last time, my heart in complete surrender to you. My body yearning to become one with yours again, melting into you from the longing of the past days feeling the urge to be near you to feel your soft skin again, your strong arms around me, your warmth, your heart, making me feel safe again just for that split moment. When I knew it was tran­sient. Fleeting. It would be gone just a few breaths later and I would have to walk alone again. Not alone in my heart, yet alone on a different level. Feeling so much endless unconditional indescribable love from all everyone I know, so much though my heart was bursting, becoming overwhelmed each day by more love and understanding, support and care, shared emotions of the same kind, becoming all one, so much more than I have ever felt for my­self and others, one piece of my heart missing your touch. Your heart, your arms around my body. You said my hugs were healing for you. Medicine. Maybe I didn't understand then because I was ready to let you go. Only when I took my own distance, feeling yours in response as my own mirror did I connect to the feeling. 

Having drained my all energy to a point I wasn't able to give any more, to even take care of my­self, my heart, my soul or my mind, did I realize that also your embrace was a cure for me. My emotional cure for all the hurt I had gone through, for all my light that have been stolen from me, for all my energy that has been taken from me, you gave me some healing energy that I wasn't aware of I needed as I could not see that I was drained. As I would not admit, would not understand or see how much I had given away. Freely. From my heart but not to return again. At least for a few moments you were able to show me, to serve me, to care for me, mirror my being, giving me back a little of what I've been giving out. And so I tried to cling onto it, preserve it, have more of that light that was never a reality. I knew. I turned around. That Saturday night.

I knew. And I could feel my own pain. Distancing myself wanting nothing more than to be with you. A difficult dance on a thin line that has caused my heart confusions and my body pain to an extend of becoming phy­sically so sick that I needed to step back, step down, fighting for my own existence.  Doing nothing but staying alone. When everyone around me had seen this coming before me, when the deepest and loudest voices of love, pointed me my direction begging me to take a break, to care for myself, to not give nothing to Noone else I had to let it come to my own personal breaking point. Here, now slowly recovering, trying to understand my confusion, to under­stand why I'm feeling so lost in this amazingly beautiful world at times and to accept it for what it is. For everybody is feeling the same way at times. I still hear Dona's last words ringing in my ear like the divine message from an angel of enlightenment.

"Before you came here I thought I had lost myself. I thought maybe I would have to die every day. But then you came into my life. I don't know what I did but the Universe sent me YOU." I understood one thing. She is me, I am her, I am you, as you are me. We are all the same. A mirror of who we are deep

inside, coming out into reality as our own best reflection. Tragic at times, painful but always on our path for growth to becoming our own most shining version of self.

Sometimes I would be dreaming of you. Slowly you faded away. In time I understand you weren't breaking my heart, you were healing it. The pain was my own knowing deep inside that this was only a moment in time that was not to last. Not here, not now. Being given a taste of what healing energy feels like, of feeling a physical connection so strongly that it surprised me myself - I still will not let go that picture of you standing in front of me just having crawled through the window, the sweat dripping from your naked body returning from your run stretching your divine beauty of a body right in front of me, smooth like you've just jumped out of a magazine ad the picture perfect model, not able to touch you. The biggest irony of the situation causing me the deepest laughter about what we've had until today. My deepest longing of wanting to be with you but knowing I cannot.

Grateful and humbled truly for having been given this opportunity to meet you for even this short time handing me the chance to grow on a silver platter even when it means facing my deepest shame and fear, showing me what it is that I desire so much, what I've been  given to heal.

Thank You.