Wave of the Aftermath

"You're part of me now" You say. I open my eyes, reading this first thing in the morning. I've heard these words before. It's the words that heal the deepest wounds in my heart. All the pain that I've suffered, still am over the past weeks, months, years, having my love abused, misunderstood, pushed away, broken, suffocated. 

"I think I'm falling for you Lina. I'm falling in love with you. I have the feeling I would do anything for you. I need to take care of you. I have hugged no one in three years. I have not felt this for anyone. I can trust you." 

Only have I met you a few days ago, stuck in the deepest mountains of Tusheti where the universe made us the biggedt gift - getting to know one another. You came for hiking the night the big rain arrived destroyed our way back into civilization. "I think the reason I came was only to meet you. I understand that now. I can see the color of your soul. It changed to purple. It makes me happy." Healing. The Universe is unlimited, such a master, sending me a pure soul like yours, giving me everything that has been taken from me over the past weeks by someone else who broke that purity of mine. Who took my trust, almost breaking it, when the Universe sent me you the same day my other soul savers had just left to remind me. To keep trusting. Each moment since I was left. Behind was I sent more angels to catch me right before I was to hit the ground. Giving me back my trust, mirroring my love. Hugging me, kissing me, seeing me, in the attempt of the Universe to make me understand that sometimes we don't get the love we deserve from the person we want it from but from other places and people that we least expect. It's everywhere and while I try to let go of that first one I wanted to love so badly I understand more and more that over these past weeks so many loves were sent to me that I could barely grasp it, peaking in the now with having you in my life. 

How I deserve it when I felt I needed it from that someone. That one. It's for me to understand now that it's in everyone and everything and it's been given to me at all times to soothe my pain, heal my wounds, let go of that one toxic string that I wanted to love so much with all my heart when only this one didn't want my love, rejecting it over and over again, covered, hidden in excuses of fear and pain, pushing me away into a dark hole of disconnection. I didn't meet him to only love him but to understand that this love is in each and everyone of us and is there for me to access at any time anywhere when you share it generously. My learning. My path. Understanding love through that one, not being lived through him but everyone else I meet. Reconnecting to my heart thinking it was him when maybe it was there to spread it out to everyone, mirroring. Making it grow, expand realizing its potential in this world. The one thing that we're all here for. Living love, spreading it through the entire Universe. Wasn't this my personal mission? My legend? Was he my stepping stone for this understanding that's so much bigger than me? 

Tears rolling down my face while writing these lines. Tears of truth. Tears of knowing when I receive your message:

"I would prefer talking to convey myself to you more deeply, but writing can be useful in the future. Please, don't create a wall so invisible and indestructible, where you convince yourself everybody is a mirror of yourself.. the way this.. "truth" was created is from the greatest pain, and it actually makes sense, it makes you feel relieved from time to time and justifies everything in the end. But it may be misleading. If you don't feel pain after month or years, accepting and giving everything this way.. in the end you are actually doing the same thing as me. With time it just makes more sense proving itself correct, it feels right. But this is the easy way, logical, the least painful one.

To know love you need to know pain, if you want to heal from pain.. please accept it the same way you accepted love. As you said, you need to trust again.. please don't mask it by trusting yourself through others. It may look the same but it's not.

It's easy putting yourself in the center. I am doing it and it's awesome, it make sense! That's what I feel for you. It is not a universal truth but just my view so far. I am starting to get why you're having changing colors.. I would say it is okay. There is nothing wrong with that, it is okay. As I read from the posts, you're not alone. So in your way now, please know that when walking forward, now you have an additional shoulder you can lean on.. " 

Reading this my heart. No words I have left for describing a connection made so big that the limitation of human words are nowhere close to express this. Only our feelings will understand what this means in the big picture of life.

Going into the day all on a sudden one of my boys stands in front of me. In transit I bring him to the Metro, goodbyes are starting again. Wandering around my other boys appear on the other side of the street. It seems the Universe doesn't have the plan to separate us as long as we are in the same place. It won't end the flow. I go meet you. 

The crown of goodness, the crown of selflessness, the crown of unconditional giving. You sit with me for hours drinking, talking, asking all the right questions to my heart, healing it. "You're too pure Lina. You're just too pure. Please don't forget. Just don't forget what he did to you. I love you. Already. I will be there for you for whatever you need. I want you to have time on your own. When you feel like it I am always here, a few steps from you. Thank you for being you Lina." 

Again. Again. Again. 

"Thank you for being you Lina. You're part of me now. You're only human. I will ask you a few times a day if you're ok because I want to know that you're well." 

These sentences coming back repeatedly over and over again from all you beautiful souls I meet. You as the wholy ONE combining them all. Now. Here. When times become so difficult for me, my heart torn, you look at me, we just met, you tell me you love me. You give me, what I have given to someone else draining me, like you know my soul. I want to repay you, just I cannot now. You say I already did. You care. You care so deeply, you see me. You understand me. You see my need, my longing. You want to replenish me.

Hours passing me, finally all of us together again. One by one. Our last night as a whole group. Even my big brother is joining now. One by one also this night has to end, finally going different ways. Hugging each other. Who is still going to be there tomorrow? Is this our last goodbye? 

"Thank you for writing your blog." He says and gives me a kiss on the cheek, hugging me tightly. He never read it. I feel appreciated, again. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. All we are so different did unforseen circumstances bring us together, caring for one another when in another life we would have not even crossed paths or looked at one another finding a way now to respect each other and in free will share our time together. 

The next one is leaving, you sent a picture, you went in the morning to say bye to him again, as in the last days you went three times through the city to get one of us, finding them to join, to not get lost. Today it was me. Not to walk five minutes on my own, always by my side. Never have I seen someone so caring, so selfless, always looking out for the other ones. Letting me know you're around the corner to catch me again once I fall or only need someone to hold my hand. 

"What can I say after reading your post for the fifth time? I just want to give you all of me, and hug you nostop for at least an hour, making you feel me even more. You already do know what I mean but even more. No need to reply to me the same way, it's not a commercial trade, I just wanna wrap my arms around you and never let go..But you have to keep going forward, so I can offer you my hand, always there to be grabbed when you want/need to, like a 7/11 it's always open. What is so pure and beautiful is that many people tell the same thing, many people tell you that they love you and you're special etc. And anybody would get used to it but not you. You appreciate it like it's the first time every time. I dare to say the ones that don't love you are not understandable."

My world has become so much bigger thanks to all, each and everyone of "my boys". Especially you. You know that. I will forever be grateful and not be a stranger, not for you. 

Thank you my dear rescue Team!