Only You

Why am I missing words when for days and days I am now trying to write something to you in the attempt to capture the beauty of the past days with you. All the magic I've experienced inside of me through you.. through your care, through your patient open heart that chose me for reasons my mind doesn't want to understand but apparently my heart is slowly learning to accept. 

Reasons that I falsely and unfairly denied in my arrogant attitude. Making myself believe you had no other choice than picking me the first one you spotted spending more time with you in your otherwise boring, empty life, judging you without knowing anything. Denying your freedom of choice, your whole being as if you had nothing and no one else in your life that you would have to spend time with. As a desperate act of not being alone projecting all your needs for attention and warmth on me calling it love. I couldn't have been further off the truth.

I denied myself and my beauty of who I am which you could see from day one, not feeling worthy of love unconditional for reasons not needed to be explained as noone ever did before in that free, all giving manner as you do. 

You give me your all. Your attentive self, you feeling every tiny movement inside of me serving my every need, watching out for me, caring for me like a mother when I learned to be the one doing this for others. Mirroring me without judging but loving me more deeply, thanking me for when I feel triggered as if you were only in my life to hold my hand, support me, so I can grow safely, blossom like a beautiful flower, breaking out of my cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly, providing me the safe space. Managing everything that I am tired to do or simply making me as comfortable as anyone could ever feel around someone else.

Did I arrogantly think that you're not capable of living, having to show you how life works as I have it so much with people in my life, showing responsibility for life did I overlook as once and so often that the way I perceive life, the way I think about life and living a responsible, purposeful life is not the way but only my way.

Did you tell me that you would love me to get to know you better did I realize finally that you're also a person with wants, needs, ideas, passions, dreams, points of view, a lifestyle, values and goals. That you're not only a lost leave in the wind flying behind me blindly trying to find his way after mine.

Feeling like a teacher, therapist and mother most of times in my life did I make myself jump into the same role again and again acting them out so well, being appreciated for it confusing it with being seen and loved when truly I'm only being thanked for it, appreciated, at the worst used for my skills, my being, my light but not seen for who I truly am. My all, my identity, personality in all different lights showing different sides like a kaleidoscope, sparkling in different colors. 

Quite the opposite would take place. Has it been my downfall again and again did I confuse attention for parts of me showing in the outside as my happy, sparkly me with love. Craving love and care did I stick to my roles as they've given me what I wanted. But it wasn't real. It wasn't what I needed nor what I wanted. Was I left alone many times when I showed other parts of myself. Have I been robbed for my light and then left in the darkness. It still is a difficult learning for me to understand that this is not love.

You show me what love is. Free love. Love that knows no boundaries or limitations did I wanna force you into setting boundaries for me but you refused in thanks and love showing me what true patience is. Your love and trust knows no limits.

It drove me mad, angry in my aggressions, my pain, my self-denial. You weren't allowed to love me without conditions. Thinking you've just lost your direction in life completely using me as your guide trying to get it back, when all you have been doing is giving. In any way I could ever imagine. In my mind only a mad person could ever give so freely without wanting anything in return. Now I see only the purest person could ever do that. 

Asking myself how I would deserve this your unconditional catering to me triggered all everything I am inside. Still does at times. My feeling of unworthiness, of not being enough, of having to achieve something to be loved. Of having to be strong, Happy, lucky, good looking, caring, well behaved, doesn't allow me to be loved in that kind compassionate way that you love me as I cannot yet find the same compassion for myself at all times. 

Have you been doing the opposite from day one, thanking me for when I was screaming, hugging me when I was insulting you, encouraging me when I was crying telling me to scream louder, letting it all out. I shall never be ashamed of who I am or what I feel, you would love me even more then, creating a safe world around me to make me understand that you will love me with my all even more every day when I express myself in any way I could possibly think of. 

I find no words for how you embrace all of me. Did I find it so embarrassing how you cherish me, thinking you would make yourself inferior to me when you emphasized over and over that you consciously choose to be with me, only me, cater to me, be there for me with every cell of your body. That it's not blind  adoration out of idiocy, admiring my features and skills but quite the opposite.

Am I so lucky to slowly discover who you are, letting me into your life, sharing your most personal secrets with me, giving me your most precious gadgets, your holy items to use. Coaching yourself, sharing their insights with me when all this even comes back to me. 

Finally I'm step by step moving closer to you, getting to see only tiny pieces of you, receiving a little glimpse of who you are finding myself giggling about weird movie scenes, getting zoomed in, zone out losing track of time showing one another our favorite songs entangling each other's tastes. Letting you pick me up from the floor lifting me up in the air hugging me tightly after waking up, feeling like a soft angel. Enjoying being treated like a princess when you enter your flat bags full of any flavor coffee, chocolates, cookies, going out the most fancy patisserie to get me cake. With you I learn that it is ok to lie on the couch for days, watching movies with your account, ordering endless food with your card, listening to music with your headphones, singing out loudly, having you encouraging me being louder, leaving the room. You teach me to be kind, to be free, to be me in one of the purest forms I've ever known. Letting me be at each moment, never walking away. "You're not alone if you don't want to be." You don't get tired of repeating to me over and over again. As well as reassuring me that you care for me, that I will have access to all and everything, that whatever happens you will be there. I start believing it. I don't know what to say but I start feeling truth.