Men, Tents and Dreadlocks

Spring breaks. Womens sharing Circle. „I wanna hold a toast“ To our travels. Being with ourselves. Being happy. Letting men come and let them go. SpringBreak, heart healing.

This morning after. After what has happened the day before not even half digested emotional changes, having my eyes open only for a second I dive right into the continuation of my story. My friend stands in front of my tent, coming to me sitting. She’s asking how I’m feeling. I don’t know. I’m drained. I’m hurt. Not much sleep. For days. Tiny Tharu comes, bringing coffee. “How did you sleep?” I tell him. He puts his not understanding face on as if I was in an imaginary world that he never had anything to do with. “I’m sorry for you Tharu” I say. He starts insulting me, throwing the same words at me, telling me that it’s all in my mind, I understand nothing, he only does good. His feelings changed. The little lost, hurt boy inside of him is coming back protecting himself, making me a delusional, blind idiot. “Nobody loves me” he had said when we were still close. In his world he did not. “You’re stupid. You understand nothing. I do everything right. You do everything wrong. I never wanted to sleep in your tent.” did he make a scene like a little child the second my friend arrived. Jealousy. “Where you go? Where does he sleep? You have sex with him you’re a liar”. I still take him in my tent trying to show him that his universe is not mine. That I’m with him, only so the next morning he would look at me: “My girlfriend is coming” I blank. It’s too much. I hit him, I laugh, I speak with him, show him my understanding, put a smile on my face, telling him that someone he loves is coming. He’s laughing. Always. In my face. One last time he puts my head in his lap. It will be the last intimate moment for us before the whole universe explodes into unpredictable pieces and soon to be past memories. 

I cry tears running down my face. It’s been too much. I feel embarrassed, hurt. Not sure if to laugh or to cry. “We should call the TV station to make a soap opera ‘trouble in jungle paradise’ this is unbelievable” I’ve seen Tharu’s look at her when we were talking. “You’re next” I say. He can’t waste time, we’re leaving the next day. All the energies going around, it becomes hard to breathe. I again realize how soft my heart is. “Who wants to go have breakfast?” An hour later the four of us walk down the hill, crossing the train recks, going to eat. Our vibe clearly becoming one. The same journey. Our subjects entangling, our feelings, hearts, our stories slowly being the same. I feel my heart. Tears dropping out of my eyes, once more running down my face. “Tharu just sent me a message if I wanted to go to the waterfall”. You hold my hand. “Let it out. It’s ok. You can feel hurt.” I don’t know if to laugh or to cry. It’s only become so ridiculous to a point where there’s no more words helpful. This culture. A different universe. Women only good for one thing. No harm seen or understood. His eyes so kind, his smile so bright. He doesn’t understand the pain. 

We sit down at our curry table. Only for us. We start eating, the mood is heavy, our auras touched but not broken, our souls overshadowed by the last two nights. 

Our latest member of the soul women circle starts speaking. “Thank you for listening” I say. She says: “Thank you for sharing. I have something to share too.” 

She starts telling her story. It was two nights ago. Similar. This man she connected so much with, abandoning her, finding someone new in front of her eyes. No shame. They still share a tent together. This spiritual guy, he has dreads. The tents. I feel like reliving old experiences of myself. I cry in empathy. My heart is hurting. All the same pain we’re going through. She finishes off by mentioning the third spiritual ego in the bundle who came to comfort her when he saw how much she’s been suffering. My heart almost cannot take more. It was him. Him who has spread part of his toxic male spiritual ego the night before leaving, supporting Tiny Tharu in his ridiculous insulting manner towards me before moving on to the jungle where all our stories started connecting. I start understanding what has happened. How we all ended up here at the same table with the same story. [My lovely friend who brought the necessary support in his impeccable timing just like a month ago, tells me he’s waiting for me at the camp]

Still tears in my eyes shakily the first of the four of us I luckily connected to when I entered the camp, starts speaking. Quietly, slowly. I know her story. I know how it will intertwine with our latest member and close the entire circle. I can barely hold my tears. She starts speaking about her spiritual journey that night with the other two of us in the jungle festival. Tears running down her face, her voice breaking. Tears like the rain that brought her spirit of a loved one. She looks at the seat to her right, their gazes cross. “For me it was him. When he comforted you, spending the time with you, I was alone. He didn’t care about me anymore.” She’s crying more, I am crying more. Because he went to comfort one broken heart, the next one broke, all meeting at the same table, intertwined, sharing our broken hearts when Tharu send my sweet Angel a message: “❤️”. The Full Moon.

The high frequency of love, heartbreak and emotions in the deepest empathy going around the table, almost unbearable. We take our hands and hold the toast, to our healing, letting go and looking after ourselves, connecting our female power. 

My heart is pounding as we’re leaving. I feel held, understood, loved, disappointed, hurt, heartbroken and relieved at the same time. It’s hard to breathe. We’re all shaken up. I grab a beer. I put his necklace back next to him. Another one. I smoke as I have the last week when I was with him. I tell my friend all everything. Everybody drained but connected so deeply to one another. 

Yoga. We wanted release. All the other strange and unbelievable things that have happened all the last days to each one of us in different ways, letting them come, letting them go. New people arrive. It’s time for my cards. Everyone picking their fortune. 

Tharu who had picked his card one day before, throwing it on the bar, laughing again, not caring, not understanding, looking at all my soul mates picking their luck, their sparkling eyes, their smiles, how touched, how grateful and astonished they are, taking his card from the counter. 

He’s been alone. Alone in his universe when we took all our powers together, connecting deeper seeing that he doesn’t belong. He shows his card to my girls. They read it. They ask him if he understands, they start explaining. I feel touched. He’s trying to become part of our energy, feeling he’s abandoned himself. He doesn’t understand but he’s trying, keeping himself safe. 

Together we’re diving into our reconnecting yoga session. Everyone. Only not Tharu. He’s documenting it, putting inscents around us, lightening the fire. 

I feel emotional. I grab another beer, light a cigarette and sit alone. Everyone exchanging, sharing contacts. It’s been too much. 

I take my friend by the hand we go eat and getting a drink. Slowly my eyes are getting heavy. I need to leave, end this energetic day. Sleep deprived for days, torn back and forth. 

We go down the stairs , I say bye to that guy I met only a few days ago. He tells me he will be in Kandy the next days. Smooth operator. Not again. We step outside One Love. Our friends waving at us laughing. At the tattoo studio. “Come, get a piercing”. Exhausted I laugh. I’m in the zone. A piercing it is. Blue like the water. We laugh, it’s Tharu’s friend. We finally leave what has once again become a late night and overwhelming journey of an emotional roller coaster. I need to rest. He hugs me tightly, doesn’t wanna let me go, thanking me for our time together, our time travel into our past. I go to bed. Expecting the next to come to me smoother. Softer. 

When I open my eyes my friend is waving at me. I get out of the tent, drink my coffee. I take the necklace back on. OM. I step on the map. Goodbye session. Leaving this place behind. I step off the mat. The girls have prepared all fruits for breakfast. We eat. My friend is coming. Slowly we get our things together. Time is passing. One more thing. Another thing. We say bye. Almost. We are going finally. Long hugs in love. Leaving this chapter behind us. 

We cross the train recks, getting food. Still processing, we run into our other friends, hop on the bus and finally move on. It feels good. Freeing. As I’m sitting here new vibes, more people. Ella again. Paths crossing. It doesn’t end. 

We talk through more details of the past days, bringing out more energy flows. Tomorrow land. Really? It’s still moving. The energies so strong. It feels like more magic of the universe showing its power before we will finally move into silence clearing out our experiences. The toxicity. The pain. The differences. The burdens. Purifying our hearts. 

[EDIT:] Today sitting talking about some of the last days feelings all on a sudden a memory of the first night with Tiny Tharu comes back. A feeling I had when he first touched my hand laying between him and the other girl the night before she left. A feeling that she’s been close to her before. In a rush of clarity I sent her a message and ask her if there has been anything going on between the two of them. She confirms, tells me that she was really hurt when he made a move on me right in front of her that night. We’re exchanging the details about what he did and said to us, the same things, lying. A huge game of pain and hurt, using women’s trust and good heart for his own needs, using it, no shame, new perspective on the effects of his actions. She’s protecting him. She doesn’t blame him. The manipulation has taken its toll on her. It has worked. “He’s not a bad person” she writes. He’s not. But it’s not the point. The point is that he’s endangering our collective pain body of us women across the globe with every woman who does not set her boundaries straight, who let’s him get away in silence with the pain he’s causing, even returning to him. It’s breaking my heart. It was more harm done than even I could understand yesterday when I thought I could take no more. It feels like every moment there could come more and more and more without any control over it. My deep wish of protecting the women to come from this to happen I know it’s out of my control. I feel ashamed and helpless. I learn. I will practice awareness and remind myself that my soft heart deserves to be opened only to the ones treating it with care, love and respect. 

I will need space for this. Overwhelming manifestation power. Challenging my growth sending me the best company to be on my side with me holding my hand through this everlasting journey called life.