We don’t die with Money we die with Memories

Everything we do in the moment is coming back to us later in life. Good. And bad.

Tiny Tharu picking me up, carrying me from the tent across our chill place. This day was still happy. 

A coconut a day keeps the doctor away. 

No men allowed. Female energy connecting. Finally so much needed after this night that brought out the trouble side of manhood. Drunken nights turning into confused mornings throughout the day. Another female power joining as the beautiful new energy before. Good vibes fighting the pain of the night, recovery. The four of us, supporting our healing, sharing our sorrow and notunderstanding. Trusting our hearts, sometimes not an easy undertaking. 

Making our perpetrators equalize, not in blame but in healing our souls. Working through it together. The differences, the misunderstanding in empathy and mean well. Connecting to more. More of us. At the same time trouble moving. The connected one. Just walking into our safe space bringing back the energies. Confronting us with the reality in our safe space. Conversations mix. We all hold up our shields. Together we’ll move through this night too. Trying to spread our positivity not to go into the pain again. 

The snake lightening up the jungle again, moving through the dark night, sitting around the fire. The three of us. The airpack. Different constellation, same synchronicity. Fireflies hanging in the trees combining with the stars. 

We get into the flow of deep conversation when she approaches me. „Lina can I interrupt?“ Laughing she’s holding her finger up like a child in school, asking me, the teacher. I get up, she’s hugging me. „You inspire me. Thank you for all you said to me. I learned a lot. I feel so different. I know now why I met you.“ 

Back into deep flow conversation, reading my mind, diving into the universe. More insights. The student becomes the teacher. Love  spreading. They left. Different plans. Reuniting later. We made it a happy place in our struggles. In our pain. Seeing one another. Appreciation. Connecting, interacting in our humanity, our hearts, who we truly are. 

I’m hurt. Of course I am. No matter how well I’m handling the situation. The pain is there. It’s real. Feeling close to someone. In a different way. It wasn’t the same. It took only a few hours and all intimacy, all closeness was evaporating into nothingness. Distance. A memory. I still see you. I still wanna be near you. I still can’t make sense so quickly of how you moved out. How you became a boy again. Full of fear. Full of pain. Moving away from me. Laughing. I hug you. I hold you. I understand you. But you don’t understand me. Our intertwined worlds separating without a warning. My heart still being my heart. Hurt and grateful at the same time. 

Going on another trip again with someone who cares. Someone who came here for me. I’m still hurt. Happily. In the colors of the lights. But you don’t care about me tonight. You left me. I want to cry the tears I feel like crying. The tears I’ve seen in my sisters today but they won’t come out. Yet. The pain is still there. The love is too. Everlasting. „I love you“ you say this morning. I still cannot read you after all these days. I do not know what this means to you. I do not know what you ever wanted from me. I do not know what my heart is feeling and it is not part of my journey. 

I stay in this night for maybe a bit too long than what is good for my heart. To the point of exhaustion and destruction. The last days leave their marks behind. Subtle but noticeable. Slowly drained. My patience challenged, my learnings immense. 

The night carrying this heaviness into the morning, opening my eyes. Too little sleep for days. Too much destruction in joy. 

Tiny Tharu coming to my tent, interrupting my exchange with my miracle savior, bringing coffee, pushing his universe on me. „You’re wrong. You understand nothing. You’re drunk all the time. You don’t know what happened. Nothing is true what you say. My feelings changed. You stupid.“

His reality, always truth in his world. No shame for pain. No feeling for hurt. Lost in his own stability of truth. Tears run down my face. I’ve held my head up high so well.  Until the last moment the crown on my head stopping the night. I’ve fought my battle so strong, the crown still on my head, as the queen I am. I did well. I did my best. Stronger, calmer, clearer than ever before. I lived my truth and accepted his in pain I gave him love and freedom for his reality, joining him in happiness, keeping my pain in my own process while my womanhood protected me. Shielded me. Saved me. I remembered my friend’s last words: “I don’t let you go into the world without you understanding the true queen you are. Letting men abuse you.”

In the right moment the angel came flying. „Come with me on my journey. We will go sit in silence. We will heal.“ I need healing. I need calm. I need cure. My heart. A break. A change. 

Toxic masculinity has disturbed our sisterhood. It’s built us. Brought us together, bringing our female strength into its true, most powerful nature. 

With our heads held high, we walk out. Grown, strengthened. In our full connection. 

11:11 the pack leaves the camp. Hunting. Hungry. Connected. Let’s all pack the pack. 

He just played the same game with her. In front of my eyes. Crashing me. Using the same words for her. We’re leaving tomorrow, he leaves out no chance. No tears left behind. My biggest lesson. Love and pain so close. Lucky womens circle, we’re sitting here. „You wanna have a Yoga class together?“ We’re so excited. One for sunset, one for sunrise. One to calm us, one to energize us. Unity is in spirit. 

A spider on the wall. It’s huge. We move together. India.