FREEDOM - Episode 2
Waking up to the familiar beautiful view, of the green palm trees for almost the last time, tired. I slept longer than usual, not enough. The last days seem to have had an impact on me.
I open my tent and can’t believe my eyes. It’s another member of the cast from paradise camp episode one. It’s the second TT breaking hearts. The one that combined my friends heart breaks.
I can’t believe what I’m seeing. He missed his flight to India. Joining the camp. Have I not had enough of this male energy the last days finally dissolving when the most beautiful women join the camp to come save me again. Having the three men around me getting to me in different ways, trying to be with me in the same space as friends. I feel crowded. They talk in their language. Laughing all the time. Sometimes approaching me, sometimes staying with themselves. Never a clear impression of what’s behind all the scenes. Sometimes caring all around you, the next minute ignoring you. Behaving as if you’ve never seen each other. Tharu holds a speech in front of tiny T that I shouldn’t touch the dishes and that he doesn’t like it. I can feel my throat closing. The energy now is clear to me. It hurts. My heart hurts but it’s becoming clearer. I needed this clarity for myself. Just having an undeniable negative vibe from him. One that took away the last hug I gave him two nights ago when I was still trying to touch his heart, to make him feel seen. Now I can only hear him say: “you understand nothing Lina. You’re wrong.” He’s right. I know nothing about that place. I remain the visitor in a foreign country that I will always be an alien in. I will be a white woman in a man’s world that I can neither connect to nor understand. I disrespect his work when trying to support him, he disrespects me as a female and human being by insulting me and my values, overstepping my boundaries because his are different. It’s hard. The complexity of the issues arising so hard to grasp, clouding the mind, my feelings. Slowly my tears are coming back. It’s good. I’m tired and I’m hurt. The journey in this place finds an organic ending with involving yet another of our characters. In hope that when my first fragile friend who opened this place of freedom and heartbreak for me, comes back today will not get hurt again by his presence as Tiny T has has hurt me.
Having the women joining the camp with this matching energy helps holding the space. We’re all tired. Same mood. Picking the cards in the morning we can’t believe how well they fit. Freedom. Both. In the place of freedom. Tiny T picks responsibility. Responsibility picks him. It’s clear. To me. Not to him.
In the space being together creating, interconnecting she keeps repeating how great the female energy is when her daughter saved me from tiny Tharu sending me rudely to another couch while she’s painting she gets me back asking me to join her. Our eyes connecting. “I don’t understand. That was rude” she says. These are the spirits I need. Joining me again now in the morning of the TTTTs energies joining in a way that helps me putting the puzzle pieces together. Finally revealing the true pain I’m carrying in my heart. Needing release. One month, a full moon connecting it. Friendships, love and heartbreak returning to each one of us in ways that we can grow to the maximum of our highest self. Handmade beautifully for our life path.
The quadruple dread Ts playing their games. Playing them well. A spiri tent full of beautiful yoga girls, open, happy, connected, kind. The Ts attack. The perfect scenario. While my heart feels like crying all the tears I haven’t cried yet, my body is laughing. Laughing at the second episode nothing short of ridicule from the first. Repeating itself. The main actors the same, the actresses on the sides changing. It’s hard to watch at the same time it’s hard to look away as well. At least I got a hug from the most beautiful one before I entered the toxic spiri cave.
Yesterday I was still singing, from my heart until he stopped me. Today I can feel the pain behind it. My heartbreak. Toxic T and tiny Tharu freeing me from my pain. Freedom. In the place that it’s named after. Freedom from attachment, freedom from pain, letting the past go. Let the present be.
And as I do so the universe starts synchronizing around me again. I can’t believe it. Coming back to the camp everyone is in the same space. The Ts battling each other again in winning over female energy but it’s too strong to be disconnected. As I overhear a conversation that is directly connected to my insight I join the conversation of these beautiful shining souls instantly connecting. She’s cherishing me. My insights, my sharing. She’s appreciating my spul, connecting, manifesting, her eyes sparkling, our passions the same. She asks TT if she could have friends coming, he looks at me, asks me if I’m leaving, I nod. The girls go to eat. I tell them to not take too long leaving me alone in the male crowd again. We’re laughing. TTF, my beautiful life saver, just having appeared in the scene is surprised. He didn’t know. We stand under the slay of the sun setting beautifully. „We need to do something before you leave“. Our eyes looking at each other in curiosity, our sights entangling. Yes we should. I hop into his Tuktuk, we’re getting beer. We both know we want this night to be special for all our own reasons. We’re laughing, talking about our lives. His heart is big, his eyes kind as I’ve seen it before. His smile honest. „You should marry Freddy. He’s a good man“ I hear Tiny Tharu. This culture is still a mystery to me. No attachment. I’m happy everyone is happy. We have our space. We move to the tent to get closer to each other. The situation perfect, the remedy for the other night when all the rest of the male presence was crowding the space cutting through our intimacy. Finally. My last night. I was wishing for nothing more. „I like your cross“. I take it off my necklace and give it to him. Now I always have you with me. We cuddle, arm in arm laying by each other’s side laughing. Eden shows up. We speak, she smiles seeing me with TTF. „It’s incredible how you manage the situation“ she says again. „I don’t understand how you could stay so calm when TT was so rude to you“. I grew. I grew over myself. My older self. The new version is much kinder, much stronger at the same. She shared her most intimate moments, I can feel my eyes tearing. We thank each other for our meeting. My heart is touched. Deeply and truly as I go into deep conversation about the srilankan male culture. Telling my new soul connection to be careful with tiny T. She says she knows. She already realized. „Thank you Lina for strengthening our sisterhood in such an elegant way. Without saying a bad word about him after everything he’s done. That shows real strength and love.“ I feel seen. Understood, appreciated for what I do, who I am, what I’ve been trying to do over all these weeks. Natural connection in our hearts, our experiences matching to a greater good. Tiny T is looking at us. I’m disturbing his move on her. Her friend smiling at me so kindly. I’m being seen. „We’re talking about culture“ I say and smile at him. I haven’t seen him smiling in the way he’s smiling at her for a long time and I had been wishing to be the one to make him smile again when he had already overstepped too many times and when I truly wasn’t the right one. I’m happy for him. I can feel how I just want his heart to be good.
All the energies moving throughout the night back and forth getting me extremely tired. A chapter is closing, my energy drained to a point. My beautiful young man laying on the couch hugging me, embracing me, kissing me, laughing. He wants to go to the tent again. I don’t. Too tired. The night was too perfect. We should keep it that way. He tries his best and I try mine to keep it that way. Everyone is going to sleep. Tiny T is turning off the lights leaving us to ourselves. Bed time. After this exciting, heartwarming, uplifting, encouraging last night of combined female energy in sisterhood, I fall dead onto my mattress. Time to leave. Long, close hugs and true heartache saying bye to the girls gives me a warm last feeling in my heart to leave this place that’s been my safe space for such a long time in good terms, carrying endless precious memories and soul connections that were meant to be for all of us to grow on our path.
Where do you go from here? Step back girl it sounds in my ears, the message is clear.
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