Save your Tears for another Day

Arriving here at the very best I would have assumed having a good time with a few new encounters. Sitting here one month later in almost the same constellation realizing what has happened… Not did I only come here and have a good time but did I meet amazingly great souls   People who became friends. People that became my heart, brought me closer to myself, made me grow, became part of my journey, my life.

I look at him. The one I used to be close to. Skinny, so tiny, so raw, so fragile. A broken hearted boy. A boy from a different culture, a culture I had to learn about the hard way, not without getting hurt. Not without being  confronted with my own pain. Feeling like someone stuck a knife in my heart in some moments.

Waterfalls, my favorite, used to seduce my heart. Everywhere. No more. What to do. Lies, crossing our universes. No understanding. Again overestimating my heart’s capacity, underestimating its longing. Returning to this place. Not being seen, my biggest pain. Synchronical new ones coming to serve me, to hold the space for me. Still longing for the mother I was missing as a child. It’s still there. 

And so she leaves. “I love you” she says. I love her as well.  The woman who has become a friend in only seconds and a loved one over five days. I have tears in my eyes hugging her. Finally something is coming out. My companion in the group when I start losing my energy, she holds me. When I see my boundaries being touched. Of course I’ve been drinking too much. Been too close to feelings I yet wasn’t able to feel. Still cannot. The one who made these days so livable, so enjoyable, so full of growth and connection, going. Our  understanding organic, natural at all times.  One soul in two bodies. Everyone could see. She only told me, the first night. Already a bond so trusting, so rich so unconditional. Blind understanding, no question asked. No time needed. Seeing her leave is breaking my heart. At the same time I need a break too. 

Attached, hope that I wasn’t aware of. Lingering. Happy sad. Tears. Laughing. 

My eyes heavy. Another day has passed and I don’t feel myself. Then again I do. I swim. For an hour. I could keep going for longer but my bones hurt. My eyes are heavy when I step outside, opening to the Mountain View, the clouds moving across the jungle heavy like my eyes. I sip my cappuccino. They come approach me. As all times. “You can stay as long as you want. We will take care of you. You were swimming long time.” The part I love most about this beautiful island. The people so kind. Even in the fancy pool club trying to recover, to clean my body, my soul. Create distance to my confusion and pain. Seeing the sun rise in the early morning behind the beautiful peaks of this magical place, my heart already heavy from the morning. Trying to hold my space they step over me again, further beyond me. Always a step ahead. I can’t stop them. I step out, they step in. The Universe is trying to teach me. I’m trying to learn. Creating safe space in the time where I feel hurt, unseen, my values scratched, my boundaries crossed without asking. The dynamics having become a burden, entangling me in situations I don’t want to be part of. My kind friend bringing me chocolates, ice cream, drinks. They take it as their own gift. His heart so big, their care endless and unconditional. I want to connect, to fuel the energy while they keep interrupting and taking. Needs. Unreflected. Overstepping. My heart still in humbleness in all the respect they serve us with, holding their own space, cherishing ours, serving our happiness, without need of return, unconditional. 

My love leaving. The one that’s been my friend, support and soulmate for the last days. Understanding in every way, all the time, a divine connection from the heart from day one. A companion and true angel. There with me. 

Music is playing. Sri Lanka is waking up. I receive a picture from four years ago. A different world. My love. Where’s my family? I’m tired. I don’t know my place but I hold on to my heart in the confusion looking into all these kind eyes giving me back a little bit of my energy that I’ve seen to be giving out the last days. Recharging. “Keep your heart safe.” She reminds me. I need it.

The last days here are breaking. Realization is not coming yet. Moving. Unbelievable right now. Too beautiful the time. Too much the feeling of home. Welcomed everywhere. Where to go. What to do. Goosebumps on my skin. I’m cold. Maybe it’s my body reacting. I’m tired. 

I leave the place, stumbling down the street. A Tuktuk honking next to me. I turn. “Jump in” he says. It’s his friend, we spoke yesterday. “You saved my life” I say to him, looking into his beautiful face. My type again. He brings me to the camp. They’re friends. “I see you later.” I wish. I laugh at the boys and go to eat. They know me. I go back down the street, the world is mine again. I run into another familiar face. We talk. I tell him he knows where to find me.

Well fed I return. They’re packing. I’m happy. I will spend my last days here. I will heal. I will connect. I will be. Me. My best self. My all I have to give.