Transition Friend and Partner in Pain

I wanted to put this young man in the new chapter Himachal Pradesh for a new beginning of being seen and cared for. A fresh start, a clean slate. Now I want to put him back into Ladakh and I will as he turned out to be ignorant, unreflective and disrespectful towards me and my feelings as the other ones, on a deeper, more subconscious level of protecting himself and his ego. 

Looking at his serious face, rarely crossing a smile let alone a laugh I’m wondering if this is his self perception of cool, strong and mature. 

Moving alongside him for only two days whereas one we spent tied together in a car, pushed it fast forward from zero to landing in each other’s arms. Before that night he wasn’t even in my presence, I was completely preoccupied with myself, no space for more drama, more emotional abuse. Sitting in the car together for a 13 hour ride, I realized how attentive he was, working around me, always asking me if I needed something, if I was comfortable, buying water and food, sharing it all with me. He asked questions about me, trying to get to know me. Slowly my radar opened. I feel touched by this care by a stranger. I could still also catch his vibe of not resisting being near me. 

I didn’t ask questions, it was clear to me where this might be going, that he didn’t keep secret, pushing himself on me for the first time in the car when we got stuck in the snow storm trying to find a comfortable sleeping position. Hugging each other tightly was the most convenient position in that situation. I felt save, I felt protected when just a bit too sudden he kissed me. It came unexpected for me and could have waited one or two steps, especially when I wasn’t the one initiating more. More eager he would try to rub himself over me in the guest house, laying in bed together. Trying to show him with my body language that this wasn’t my most favorite or pleasurable joy, he didn’t get it until I had to speak it out loud into his face, especially having my period. I told him that is not very exciting or arising for me, a guy rubbing himself on me as the other ones in Kashmir. 

It occurs to me more and more that they may have misunderstandingly observed somewhere, thinking a woman would enjoy that kind of penetration or simply the brain switching off from arousal, unable to go back to reality check. Or maybe it remains the self absorbed, non thinking mind of them that suddenly switches on, once the chance for penetration given, finding any excuse to pull through, not hearing things they don’t want to hear, like all the weeks before. 

Sorry for making you feel vulnerable. I don’t wanna have this conversation as there won’t come any outcome as we will continue arguing. You’re a matured person with whom I enjoyed the sweet and short time. Let’s meet for coffee in some time. 

Awww that’s so sweet right? After leaving me crying in a room, denying me the chance to talk. No let’s not ask her for coffee. Let’s tell her to have it. As he’s been telling me all the rest, how to behave and how not to. Sounds familiar? Ummm…Coffee? Maybe one day when he cracks his ego, playing a mind game with him for the sake of protecting his heart from being broken, once he would let feelings in for the price of hurting and disrespecting other people‘s feelings and opinions, their story, background and everything they are. Playing the power card, taking away my right to speak, express myself or my feelings in a situation to be solved. Knowing nothing about me or my experiences (except for the Kashmiri putting himself in a row with them), anything about my life, finding the arrogance to „know“ what I think and therefore avoiding a discussion in respect on eye level like grown ups, to understand the other person, me, care about what I think or feel and maybe find himself confronted with a mistake or difference in perception changing his own preset mind from „you’re overreacting“ (to what? Why? How?) to „I’m sorry. I think I did not even try to find the empathy to step onto your side and see how this may have felt for you, rubbing myself against your ass without asking you in consent because I was horny. And then insult you of being drunk and overreacting because my ego was hurt and I didn’t want to admit that this is not a respectful behavior towards a woman“. Instead: „are you going to be mad all night? I think you’re high“. More brushing off his responsibility as a man, as a person, as a social, caring human being, making himself untouchable and protected from pain by projecting it on me. Classic. Projection of his state of mind trying to make it mine. „There was no reason for you to flip out“. The all knowing judge keeps coming at me. I’m calm. I was calm. 

I remember how he told me about his ego. Why he doesn’t like drinking, in the attempt to project parts of his behavior on me or people in general. I didn’t take it. Apparently his ego hard to control for him, he just follows the strong self absorbed voice, instead of reflecting on his behavior, look at his words and actions, confront himself with the pain he’s causing. Not looking for a way to act in love, opening up his heart to finally break through the protection and openly and mature connect to people. It must be lonely. Very lonely. Things he’s said about himself slowly come back to me in pieces. „I don’t easily connect to people“. Yesterday asking me if I’m very emotional and reactive. Now I had it put into reality for me, in front of my eyes. Projection again. He’s been talking about himself as we all do. An imprisoned mind, trying to do everything not to get exposed, hurt. Survival. Protection. He must have been hurt. I had asked him if he was hurt before. I got the answer now manifested in my tears, making his pain mine, as I do it with my lovely broken hearts who are not ready to heal yet. 

Well what choice do we have? Protecting our heart, closing our eyes for our own and others people‘s feelings, going on ignoring it but no not only ignoring it, denying that it is there. A life in denial of our feelings and behavior. Running. Making our heart blind for our own pain, our shadows, not recognizing it, keeping it in the dark too afraid to look at it and therefore unable to heal it. How to deal with something we deny exists? 

To open up, find the courage to go through our hurt, dissolve it, share it in trust. Take over responsibility for our words and actions. Hold our inner child in our arms and care for it when it’s screaming loudly. Did especially boys learn not to cry, show emotions, be vulnerable to truly connect to people and instead turn into males, spreading their fear of love and being hurt in the form of toxic masculinity towards women, believing this would protect their heart. In denial of the heart. Only this really is protecting our mind, our ego, our self perception, our self made identity of how we like to see ourselves, not of who we truly are when we show these ugly sides of us. The mind may be tricked. On the surface, superficially our ego will tell us „good job, you protected yourself“ but our heart knows. Unless you have a heart of stone, will you have to care that you leave a girl crying herself into sleep, insulting her, projecting your own inability to love on her, taking the power over her, silence her, tell her you know it all and have no interest in her side, walk away and leave her crying some more, sitting on her bags. 

Only will our heart be able to bare such a scene caused by ourselves if we build a very high wall around it, that the other person is not capable of tearing down. 

I wish for all this not  to have happened. I wished for it to just dissolve, such a tiny unnecessary situation, easily to be cleared up by a simple apology: sorry for making this move on you. I didn’t think about that you could find it inappropriate. I just find you really attractive and would like to sleep with you. Easy. Simple. Honest. Win win. Isn’t this what I wanted too? Why would I choose with my free will to be there when he needs to force himself on me? No drama, no big deal. Nothing would have happened and we could have had a good night together in mutual respect and understanding. No one hurt. But the communication wasn’t on eye level. He needed the control. Control like the others. The illusion of control. The mind control that truly makes it all go out of control as we don’t listen to our heart and connect in respect and love. 

Having written that the next denial is waiting: I never had any intentions of getting physical with you in general. I liked you as a person and enjoyed the time. You said I came on you like an animal like really? That’s how you wanna talk and expect me to have a conversation.

Ah so he didn’t even want to have sex. Too bad for me. In general. Like really? Haha. That’s how I wanna talk? Hmm. Let me think. Yes. I would have loved to talk but apparently I wasn’t allowed. Misunderstanding. I was the one wanting to be physical, pushing myself on him. But unfortunately he didn’t want to have sex with me. What to do. I guess I was just high. :) 

Since you’ve asked me for it so many times now I didn’t want to deny it to you anymore. My psychoanalysis for you. For free. You’re welcome. 

Meanwhile packing up my backpack I make my way to the new hostel. Fresh start. This time it’s a yes. A clear yes. As I walk up the hill, entering the farm, the view becomes more and more beautiful. Apple and pear trees growing all around, a big garden, a colorful house, sitting and chilling areas, the farm hostel. Entering my room, a girl is sleeping beautifully on the bed across me. I see her, I get the vibes. I admire her sleep at 12pm when everyone is bright awake, buzzing around her. I wonder when she went to bed, sleeping so peacefully. We’ll be friends. 

Settling on the resting place, writing, processing that unnecessary night, I feel deeply relaxed, at peace. Eating the leftovers from the night before a young man starts talking to me. He’s extremely kind, open and attentive. „Do you want to come have lunch?“ I will join, why not 

„can I come too? I’m ready“ I hear a voice next to us. She’s awake. Everything is running smooth as if the universe put us together when we needed one another. She’s putting her hand on my shoulder. „Any words of wisdom for me?“. 

Next thing I see she’s sitting on a rock in the sun. My true friend. She looks at me: „I’m so happy. Like overwhelmed with happiness“. Tears rise into her eyes. I feel her heart like it’s my own. 

Jumping into the waterfall, under the cold spray shower, laughing, holding each other, our sorrows taken away by the wind. All the pain we’ve been through, here held in space with our group, everyone connecting, watching out for each other. We ask questions and we listen. „Who wants to go to the waterfall?“. More and more joining, forming a bigger circle we mix perfectly the ratio of Europeans and Indians. 

How did we get here?  

Taking off to lunch, our little newly formed ThreemTeam, we walk through the forest, getting to know each other. An initial vibe of open ears and understanding takes me into a literal waterfall pouring words about the last weeks and most of all the night before. My new friends empathetic listening, asking more, expressing their compassion and understanding for my situation. I feel I’ve been sent these angels I needed so much. Support on all levels. „I broke up with my boyfriend of three years a week ago“ she says. We’re reaching the restaurant, our Indian friend is ordering. „Please tell us your story“. It feels like we’ve known each other for a long time, see and understand each other’s hearts. Eagerly and curiously asking more questions. Our journeys of healing. Our friend supports us with an insight view of Indian men‘s behavior. He’s ashamed and sorry for what I’ve been through. Katie is melting, slowly putting out more and more pieces of her last week’s heartbreak. „I’m so thankful for you“. I feel exactly the same way. After saying bye to our new friend, we walk up the road, putting rings on our fingers, giggling like teenage friends. „No rings, new wife“ she declares, referring to my Kashmir experiences. I feel completed with her, sharing her heart, asking me for advice, trusting me with my words. Getting out of the cafe, I run into him, right before leaving. I knew this had to happen. He got nothing more for me than before: „Are you still angry?“ and a handshake. 

Waking up the next morning, tears coming out of her eyes, she sits down next to me: „I’m so stupid. You were right. I should have listened to you. It was exactly right what you said. I made a fool out of myself“. I comfort her and listen to her broken heart. I feel we need each other. 

That salvation sent from above after these difficult weeks of standing up for myself, for my values, setting boundaries, praying for people who will make it easy. Who will understand without explanations, connect without judging but showing true, deep care from their heart, seeing me. Finally the universe reacted, just in the right moment, bringing, joy, community and team spirit when we all needed it the most. Friends when we needed to be heard and be listened to instead of being overheard, held small, suppressed by people’s uncontrolled controlling minds that they cannot get a hold of because they’re too scared to look at their shadows, disrespecting other people‘s voices, feelings, opinions or needs, most of all women’s. Did our young friend who was only with us for a few hours, explain to us how still Indian men cannot find the respect for women when we say no to something. Using their power to walk over them, wanting to fulfill their own needs and pleasures, hiding behind a „loving/caring“ surface because they’re unable to step out of their bubble and see how truly disrespectful their behavior is. How hurtful and degrading. Gaslighting. Making the other person question their mind without ever listening (a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories). Pushing them away, out. Only one opinion that’s credible. Their own. And so walking blindfolded through the world, forcing their uncontrollable mind on others. 

Coming together in times like this, having women from the outside getting angry at this situation for me, gives me deep support. I still struggle to strictly pull through and just go without looking back because I want to understand people‘s heart and pains when they never show a problem with walking away from me without a word. 

Time for change with new partners by my side, my lovely host bringing me tea, while I spent half the day on the toilet. Sick in bed, I feel lucky that people care for me, especially when I don’t feel well. So sweet, he’s returning asking me if I want soup, bringing a glass with warm medicine water. „To keep you hydrated“. I’m so grateful. My partner in pain unfortunately living the same title I gave us. No food for us today. Better day tomorrow.